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There are two major areas in which you are unique — your memories and your preferences.  Your memories, of course, strongly influence your preferences.

For example, when I was a boy our family ate dinner at 5:30 pm on the dot.  I still like to eat dinner early.  I also like to begin meetings on time. My reasons are tied to my memories.

When I was travelling in Spain I was shocked that dinner customarily began after 10:00 pm.  When I ate dinner that late it was difficult for me to sleep.  Although it wasn’t the end of the world, it was difficult for me to go against my long standing preference.

Yet diverse preferences can cause serious arguments.

When I was growing up I learned that the best way to maintain peace was to stay clear of certain subjects, including politics, religion, and money.

Recently, my dear friend, Diane, brought her entire family to stay with us for a week.  At the first dinner no one brought up politics.  The next morning I asked Diane if her family was on the same political page as she and I.

“Oh, no,” she said.  “One of my daughters is strongly on the other side.  She’s such a wonderful daughter in every other way.  But she’s just wrong on that.  We don’t talk about politics anymore,”

I entirely understand.  But when millions of people vote for one side, and millions of people vote for the other side, how can any of us believe that one side is absolutely right and the other side is absolutely wrong?  We all feel that our opinions are important, but we have to recognize that, in the final analysis, our personal opinions reflect our personal preferences and not some immutable truth.

In fact, I’ve never met anyone who agrees with me on all of my preferences.  Are they automatically wrong?  Or am I wrong in their mind?

Whether you start dinner at 5:30 pm, or after 10:00 pm, whether you cheered for the Dodgers or the Red Sox in the recently completed World Series, or whether you simply don’t follow sports at all, it’s just a matter of your personal preference.

It’s easier for me to enjoy my life when I remember that even though my father loves raw oysters, I don’t have to eat them.  When I remember that all opinions are personal and not universal, it’s easier for me to enjoy our conversation (and to lower my blood pressure).

Do we agree?  Or, perhaps you have a different opinion?

Alan

Who do you talk to more often than anyone else?

If you’re like me, the answer is — yourself.  But when you talk to yourself you should be careful. There’s no one else to hear you, or comment, or give you advice.

My solo conversations (or internal monologues), begin as soon as I wake up in the morning.  They used to go like this.

“What time is it?  Should I go back to sleep or should I get up?  Should I work out this morning?  Oh, yes, today is Thursday.  When is my first appointment?  What’s on my schedule?  Drat!  It’s going to be a tough day.”

The final sentence in the above monologue is a really bad idea. I should not start the day by telling myself I’m not going to enjoy myself because whatever I tell myself tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  So I will restart.

“What time is it?  I’m feeling good and looking forward to every opportunity the day might bring.  It’s going to be delightful.  I’m looking forward to it.”

Every day of my life brings a new parade.  Naturally, I enjoy some of the marching bands more than others.  But I think it’s always best to take a certain page out of my father’s book.

Every night before he goes to sleep Dad gives thanks for another beautiful day.

I aim to do that every morning, as well as throughout the day.

You can talk to yourself whenever you like, without even moving your lips.  You can tell yourself whatever you choose.  No one but you will ever know, so your secret is safe.

But I’m not going to talk myself out of having a good day. I’m going to look forward to everything I do, and applaud each new experience.

I refuse to rain on my own parade.

Alan

It doesn’t matter how well a relationship begins — to keep it healthy both partners need to pay close attention to their communication along the way.  It’s like driving a car.  You need to make necessary adjustments as you go.

I recently met a therapist who gave me a great tip on how to keep a relationship successful.

She suggested that when you communicate with a loved one you should always ask yourself three questions.

1. Is what I’m about to say true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?

I thought about that for a few days.  Then I memorized her list.

Truth, of course, should be automatic.  If you or your partner regularly lie to each other, your relationship will have serious problems.  Life is too short. Each of you deserves to know the truth.

Kindness is the foundation of every nourishing relationship.  If you aren’t kind to each other, why are you together?

And if you are about to say something that might hurt your partner’s feelings, it should be absolutely necessary, even if it is both truthful and kind.

Years ago at the end of a dinner at the home of my parents’ best friends, Marion and Irving, my father demonstrated all three standards.

My father loved cheesecake.  After we finished the main course Marion said to Dad, “Fred, in your honor I have baked your favorite desert — my special cheesecake.”

She cut the first slice and handed it to him.

“What do you think?”

Dad slowly tasted the cheesecake.  He seemed to savor it.  But a strange look spread across his face.

“I like it,” he said, “but it’s personal.”

The rest of us tried a slice.  All of us liked cheesecake.  But I immediately spit it out.

“It tastes like garlic,” I said.

Our hostess was shocked.  Then she sampled the cheesecake herself.  And she spit it out.

“Fred, it does taste like garlic.  I’m so sorry.”

“Yup,” he said.  “But I like garlic.  That’s why I said it’s personal.”

None of us, except my dad, ate the cheesecake.  But we all enjoyed a good laugh about it for many years.

“I guess I accidentally put in garlic powder instead of powdered sugar.”

Marion’s face was red.

“It’s okay,” my dad said.  “This time your cheesecake is really special.”

As I said, my dad was truthful.

He was kind.  He didn’t say, “This cheesecake is awful.”

And Dad’s answer was also necessary.  Marion had asked the question, and soon the rest of us were going to discover the answer for ourselves anyway.

You might pass this idea on to those you love.  Not about garlic cheesecake, but to be sure that what you say to those you love is truthful, kind, and necessary.

And if you can make it funny as well, so much the better.

Alan