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With the partial shutdown of the Federal government at least temporarily behind us, I was thinking about the comment our president made wondering why all of the Democratic members in the House of Representatives had been loyal to the Speaker of the House.  I’m not going to comment on that specific situation, but it did spark my thinking about loyalty.

To me, loyalty is putting the need of another person or group ahead of your own.

If my significant other or one of my children called me and said, “I need you to drop everything and come to see me right now,” what would I do?  Would I ask them why?  Would I tell them that I’m writing my blog and don’t want to fail to post it tomorrow morning for the first time in more than five years?  Or would I simply drop everything, walk to my car, and drive to see them?

That’s a no brainer.  I would leave immediately, as I believe they would for me.  My family is my first priority, followed by my friends.  I think that is true for most of us (if we like our family).

I remember a day, years ago, when one of my daughters was graduating from high school.  I had never missed a graduation for any of my children, but that same day Laurie, a very close friend of mine, was in the hospital hovering near death.  I decided that, if her condition didn’t improve, being with her was more important than the graduation. Fortunately, I didn’t have to make that choice.

As a franchisee of Penguin’s Frozen Yogurt I once opened more than twenty stores.  I hired a dear friend of mine, Jan, to supervise several of my stores, including one in Colorado Springs.

Jan lives near San Francisco, and I expected her to travel to the stores once every two or three weeks.  In the middle of winter in 1987, the Colorado Springs store was not doing well, and a week before Christmas our manager quit.  Ouch!

Jan called me from the Oakland airport to relay the news, and to tell me that she was on her way to Colorado Springs.  She’d decided to manage the store herself, and remained in Colorado Springs for several cold months.

That is one of the best examples of loyalty I have ever personally experienced.  Obviously, I remember it to this day.

For better or for worse, we’re all in this life together, and helping each other out, especially at a time of great need, is important.  Life is better when we share our triumphs and support each other through the tough times.

So I’m taking this opportunity to once again thank Jan, as well as everyone else who has helped me over the years.  You have made a difference.

Alan

We all know that cheating in a marriage means secretly having a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. This deception often causes the disruption or dissolution of the relationship.

But there is another, equally hazardous way to cheat, and that is to withhold or misrepresent how you really feel to your significant other.

By not fully revealing yourself you are cheating yourself and others of both trust and connection. Withholding your feelings will not only damage your intimate relationships but your relationships with anyone else as well.

Every feeling you have is just that – your feeling.  It’s not good or bad.  It’s just your feeling.

“I’m so angry I feel like . . . “

“I know I promised, but I’m awfully tired right now.”

“I love you.”

When my dad asked me if I had thrown my baseball through the garage door window, I should have said, “Yes, and I’m scared you’ll punish me.”  What I actually said was, “No I didn’t.”  You can imagine how that worked out.

We each have a set of conscious and unconscious rules we live by.  In our culture, men have been conditioned not to be scared, so we usually misrepresent fear as either sadness or anger.  We are supposed to be “hard,” so we fail to make soft statements such as “I love you” as often as we feel them. This is damaging not only to the person who is afraid to reveal his true feelings, but to those around him.

Not revealing yourself can take a toll in other ways. In my first People Tools book I shared an illustrative story about my parents’ visit to a small town in Texas.  As they arrived, my father asked my mother if she would like to go to the local museum with him.

Mom was tired from the drive, but she was the one who liked museums, while Dad seldom joined her.  So despite being tired she said, “Yes.”

Later, Dad admitted that he just wanted to offer her something he thought she would like.  Mom revealed that she had been too tired to enjoy the museum and only went because she thought it had held a special interest for him.  By keeping their feelings hidden they both did something they didn’t enjoy.

Here’s a suggestion for how to live a more connected life. Pretend you only have until midnight tonight.  Tell everyone you come into contact with today something that you would like them to know about you, maybe reveal your true feelings in a short poem.

Let’s not cheat each other of a more complete connection.

Thanks.

Alan

When I was a kid I wanted a dog.  For several years my father said, “No.”  He believed he would end up taking care of the dog, which he didn’t want to do.

But kids have nothing better to think about each day than how to persuade their parents to give them what they want.  My record on this was far from perfect – I never did get a BB gun.  But after a few years of lobbying, my brother and I successfully landed a black cocker spaniel who lived in an enclosed porch next to the kitchen.

Of course, my dad was right.  Not only did our cocker spaniel pee all over the dining room carpet, but after a few weeks Dad had to take over the feeding and walking.  When Dad eventually gave the dog away I was actually relieved – there would be no more angry reminders from him to take care of the darn dog.

I learned from this experience. None of my six children had a dog while they still lived with me, because I didn’t want to take care of it.  As adults all of them have adopted rescue dogs.

One of my daughters owned a rescue dog named Bryce who actually climbed trees.  I loved that dog.  Our entire family was devastated when Bryce, chasing a squirrel, ran into the street and was hit by a car.  She died in my daughter’s arms on her way to the pet hospital.

Eighteen months ago my wife Daveen agreed to take care of a thirteen-year-old rescue dog expected to live less than three months.  Named “Little Mama” by the family, the dog had been terribly beaten, suffered from arthritis, could barely hear, and had difficulty seeing.

Little Mama is a quiet dog.  She seldom barks, does not run to greet Daveen or anyone else, and walks as stiffly as you might expect.  But whoever predicted “less than three months” doesn’t know how good Daveen is at caretaking. Daveen is entirely devoted to Little Mama who is still with us after more than a year and a half.

Daveen walks her dog multiple times each day. She feeds Little Mama what she needs and takes her to visit several vets, including a veterinary surgeon and a doggie cardiologist.  I should mention that Little Mama is not a candidate for doggie day care, since, even with her hindrances, she tries to kill any other dog near her.

I salute Daveen, and I very much like Little Mama, who is nearing the sunset of her life.  I’m a little stiff myself, and a bit hard of hearing, so I identify with another being who is similarly plagued by the problems of aging.

I propose a toast, water of course, to Daveen and Little Mama, and to all creatures, large and small, who are caretakers or who need caretaking, especially Little Mama who faces her growing physical limitations with acceptance and good cheer.

I am reminded, and touched, by the fact that we all need someone to take care of us.

Love,

Alan