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If I were to take my four-year-old grandson to the Los Angeles Main Library, show him a few books, and tell him that he should learn to read, how well would he succeed without further instruction and supervised practice?

You’re right.  Not well.

In our schools we teach many core subjects, including reading, arithmetic, history, and geography.  As a society, however, we seldom teach how to get along with other people in an effective and consistent way.  Instead we assume that our children will learn relationship skills automatically at home and by simply interacting with others outside of our home.

No wonder we tend to read, however imperfectly, better than we handle relationships.  If our parents scream, we learn to scream.  If our parents lie or reward lying, we tend to lie.  If our parents hit, we learn to hit. Unfortunately, we leave the teaching of effective relationships to people who very often are the least able to teach it well. Accordingly, cycles of dysfunction and violence tend to perpetuate.

There are many parents who practice love and patience.  But some do not.  In any event, I find that with a strong desire to do better in relationships, anyone can improve.

For example, when I began my business more than fifty years ago I blamed someone else for every failure.  After all, my hindsight is perfect.   But in effect I was discouraging everyone who worked with me. They were unwilling to take any chances, and often hid their mistakes from me.  This was not a good way to manage people or run a business.

I have written about a number of tools to improve relationships in my weekly blog.  One tool that I have written about before but that I can’t emphasize enough, is this:

Does what you say to others meet three tests — Is it truthful, kind, and necessary?

I can’t overstate the life changing effect of this simple three-prong test. If everyone employed it in their dealings with others all of their relationships would immediately improve for the better.  And when your relationships improve, your life follows suit.

This idea was not drummed into me at an early age, so I have to remind myself of it – often (and now I am reminding you of it as well).  I suggest you do the same, and in an effort to pass it along, please model it to your children and grandchildren.

I thank you.  My wife thanks me.

Alan

I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change is the second-longest running Off-Broadway musical in history.

No wonder.  Even the title describes a situation we’ve all experienced.  Our parents were perfect until we figured out that they, like other human beings, were human.  Every romantic love of our lives was perfect until we realized that they didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.  Our children were perfect when they were born.  That didn’t last forever.

Every one of us has a unique set of habits and preferences.

Please note I said “preferences,” not absolutes. I prefer my eggs either scrambled or over easy.  Several members of my extended family are vegans and don’t eat eggs at all.  There is no “right or “wrong” here – just different preferences.

To have a successful relationship with someone you have to understand, deeply, that when you like rap and they prefer classical they are not wrong.  They merely have a different preference that they may or may not be able or willing to change. How would you feel if your partner insisted that for the rest of your life you could only eat his or her favorite foods, and never your own (bye bye French fry)?

Of course, I always think the demands I make on my partner are easy, loving, and would give her a better life, whereas the changes she has requested from me are overbearing, outrageous, and selfish. Ah, perspective is everything.

But when you’ve had the same argument with the same partner about the same requested changes for (fill in the amount of time), eventually you have to realize that to be effective you need to use other options. Since continuing to argue hasn’t worked and will never work, consider one of these three alternatives.

1. Offer. Simply say to your partner, “Would you please be responsible for taking out the recycling?   What can I do for you in return?”  Your partner may respond with something that is fine with you, and the problem is solved.
2. Deal Point — Leave. Your partner may answer, “I won’t be responsible for the recycling under any circumstances.”  When neither of you will compromise under any circumstances then it’s a “deal point.” When you encounter a “deal point” from which no one will back down then the only effective solution is to end the relationship.
3. Give Up. If it isn’t mandatory for you that your partner take out the recycling, then just let it go.  You will have removed a point of friction between the two of you, leaving space in your relationship for everything you enjoy about each other.

I’m thinking that being effective in life is so important that it deserves a book of its own.  At least it deserves another blog or two.

Do you agree?

Alan

The most useful idea I learned in college is this:  If you have a problem you can’t solve, just put it in your subconscious and wait for an answer.

During law school I enrolled in an evening Shakespeare class taught by Professor Alan Casson. His second lecture was interrupted several times by students asking him questions.

“Please hold your questions until the end,” he said.  “I’m sure I will answer all of them during my lecture.”

I thought his statement was arrogant, and promised myself I would write down six questions to ask him at the end of class.

Alas, Professor Casson’s lecture was as good as his promise.  I had no questions.

The final exam was one long question encompassing all five Shakespeare plays we had studied.  I read the question.  I thought, “This is the best exam question I have ever read in my life.”  I read the question a second time.  My next thought was, “I have no idea how to answer this.  I don’t even know where to start.”

Fortunately, I remembered the textbook advice from my freshman Psychology class, and said to myself, “Subconscious, take over.”

Those were the days of ballpoint pens and bluebooks.  I looked down and saw my right hand moving the pen.  It was as if someone else had taken control of my hand which was doing the writing.

“That’s pretty good,” I smiled. “Did I know all that?”

It was a first for me – watching my hand write an answer to an exam question in an almost magical, stream-of-consciousness response. It must have been a great answer because I received an “A” on the exam and in the class.

For many years I have used the same technique in my business and in my writing.  When I don’t know the answer, I ask my subconscious to do the work.

I hope you enjoyed this blog.  My “subconscious” thanks you.

Alan