Monthly Archives

For most of my life I have enjoyed excellent health, and I still do.  However, one morning in mid-December I woke up with what was diagnosed as carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands.  Bummer.  All of my fingers tingle and have lost some sensitivity.  This makes both typing and buttoning my shirt more difficult.  As the song goes, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.”

With this moment-to-moment reminder that my hands are working less than perfectly, I have designated the months of January, February, and March as Alan Body Appreciation Months.  I appreciate when my hands were working properly.  I fully realize, of course, that like every other human being my appreciation is likely to be transformed into “taking-for granted” once the problem is solved.

As it turns out, the issue with my hands is caused by spinal stenosis in my upper neck, where a bundle of nerves are being squeezed by growth of bone in my spinal tunnel.  The solution is neck surgery to relieve the nerves by opening the tunnel a little wider and putting in spacers.  This is one of the few times in my life that I wish I knew more than I do about the human body, but the next best thing is that my son and his wife are both doctors, and they have offered me the benefit of their advice.

I know two contemporaries who have had successful spinal surgery during the past six months, so why should mine be different? I‘m younger than they are and have a less serious problem.  I also follow the adage, “Expect the best but plan for the worst.”

So in a day or two I’ll be scheduling surgery for early next month.  Before then I’ll make sure my estate plan is entirely up to date, and I’ll write a few extra blogs to continue posting every Tuesday morning as I have for more than five years.

In a few weeks, I’ll let you know how it went.  I have no doubt that everything will work out well.

Alan

On Sunday morning I often watch talk shows.  Today one show featured a Stanford University professor who stated that human beings are hard wired to have an “Us vs. Them” mentality. When we view photos of people who look different from us, a part of our brain lights up with a “danger” warning.  Tinder, a dating app, is similarly based on someone’s reaction to a photo.  Presumably people only swipe right when they are attracted to a photo and swipe left if the person in the photo triggers a danger response.

That makes sense to me.  After all, thousands of years ago we lived in tribes of 150 people, who were possibly the only human beings we would ever know during our lifetimes.  Everyone else in the world was a stranger and, as such, potentially dangerous.

But are we doomed to a lifetime of us vs. them?  Will it always be Americans against everyone else?  Californians against the rest of the United States? USC Trojans against the world, especially UCLA?  (I have degrees from USC but I have married graduates of UCLA, and even if self-preservation was not an issue I have found them to be decent people.)

From my perspective I’m the only “me” in the world and everyone else is an alien.  They are looking out for their own interests, and I am looking out for mine.

But that said, we still need to cooperate.  In fact, cooperation may be our greatest survival skill.  How else could we create a pencil, let alone an airplane?

Just as I was able to put aside my “us vs. them” Trojan mentality when I married, I believe our individual success depends entirely upon cooperation rather than antagonism. This is especially true as we huddle together in ever expanding cities (I read an estimate today that 70% of the world’s population in 2050 will live in an urban environment).

I root for USC sports teams, but my favorite part of every game is when the members of each team shake hands afterward.  It proves that we can be competitors and friends at the same time.  Let’s remember – the competition in a sporting event is just something we created to amuse ourselves.

It may be in our nature to distrust others, especially strangers. But maybe that aspect of our psychology is the reason we have the golden rule?  (Not the one that says “He or she with the gold rules.”)

As I wrote in People Tools, “We are each human, with all that label implies.  …[You can have] the best of a life, which is, alternately and simultaneously, both ridiculous and sublime.”

In the words of Rodney King, “People, I just want to say… can we all JUST get along? Can we get along?”

I’ll bet that we can.

Alan

The devil is always in the details.

In Aesop’s fable “Belling the Cat” the mice decided that to escape the sharp claws of the cat all they needed to do was place a bell around the cat’s neck to warn them of the cat’s approach.

“But who will bell the cat?” one elder mouse asked.

It is easy to say that something should be done, but quite a different matter to do it.

In a previous blog I suggested that whatever you say to your partner-in-life should be truthful, necessary, and kind.  Today I’m focusing on “kind.”

In my first year of law school I took a Contracts class where I learned that to reach a binding agreement you need three elements.  An offer (“I’ll mow the grass for five dollars”), an acceptance (“We have a deal”), and consideration (the promise to pay something of value, in this case five dollars).

A grumbling acceptance (“I’ll agree but that’s a pretty high price”) is still legally binding.  A conditional acceptance (“You have a deal if you will also put the lawn furniture back in the garage”) requires further negotiation.

We often use conditional acceptance in our lives and in our relationships. For example, “I’ll only visit your mother with you after you have cleaned up all the junk you’ve left in your car.”

That statement sounds punitive.  You are complaining about my messy car and using something I want to get me to do something about it.  Could the same idea be expressed in a kinder way?  How about:

“I’d be delighted to visit your mother with you as soon as you wash the car.”

This starts in a positive way (“I’d be delighted”) and ends with a vision (a washed car.)

Listen to yourself when you speak.  Which of those two statements are more like your own style of conditional acceptance? Can you be kinder in asking for what you want in a relationship while also giving your partner what they want?

Consistent and creative changes can generate considerable kindness in return.

So I’ll keep writing this blog, and I appreciate your reading it.

Thanks.

Alan