A Relationship Is like a Three-Legged Race

by Alan C. Fox 4 Comments

LoveCompatibility-PeopleToolsLoveI recently met Natasha, a petite fifty-year-old woman, who told me the following story.

“When I was seven or eight years old,” she said,” I ran extremely fast.  I often won races, but I was mostly interested in the three-legged race where I ran with a partner and one of my legs was tied to hers.”

“I did that when I was a kid,” I said.  “It can sure slow you down.”

“That depends on whether or not you have the right partner.”

“I was pretty slow,” I said, “so I always picked the fastest boy to run with me.”

“I’ll bet you didn’t do too well.”

“Actually, you’re right.  I didn’t.  How did you guess?”

“Because,” she said, “you chose the wrong partner.  If you’re slow you don’t want to be tied to the fastest runner.  You want to run with a partner who has a stride most compatible with your own.  I’m small, so it wouldn’t have worked for me to team up with the tallest girl in my class.”

“So did you usually win?” I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

Natasha smiled.  “Every time,” she said.

After our meeting I began to think about relationships. We always look for a partner who meets certain criteria – tall, short, older, younger, with children, without children.  We have our conditions, and that’s a good thing.  For example, I’m not comfortable learning a foreign language, so I wouldn’t consider a woman who didn’t speak English.

But our standards for a relationship often fail to include a few essential values.  My friend Kevin, for example, wanted a woman who was thin and who would join him in activities, even if she didn’t like to do them.  In this way, he thought, she “proved” her love by doing things just to please him.  Although he had many relationships, not surprisingly, none of them seemed to “stick.”  He didn’t include what, to me, is the most important requirement of all – that his partner care deeply for him.

Years ago Stacie asked me if she should marry Tom.

“He’s really cute, a good companion, great with my kids, but he’s not an intellectual.”

“Is sex good,” I asked?

“Terrific,” she said.

“Then marry him.  Companionship and being good with your kids are a lot more important than discussing Sartre or Camus at the dinner table.  You can always find intellectual stimulation by taking a class or talking with your friends.”

For me the one essential I cannot do without is compatibility.  Do you like going to bed at nine pm?  Watching TV 3-legged-race-peopletoolslove(and what shows)?  Seeing movies together?  Going dancing.  Eating meals at home or going out every night?  Taking vacations together – at the beach or hiking the Appalachian Trail?  Do you spend money carefully?  Do you enjoy laughing at my jokes?  Repeatedly.

Every couple is going to be different in many respects.  Often an introvert does well married to an extrovert who will blaze the trail in social settings.  You certainly don’t have to be the same, but to enter into a relationship which will endure you do need to be compatible in many areas which are important to each of you.

As for Natasha, for many years, she’s been happily married to a six foot six inch professional basketball star, proving that, in the three-legged race of relationships, compatibility counts. And Natasha still laughs at all of his jokes.

Alan

Comments ( 4 )

  1. Sharon Koch
    Alan has the gift of being a great story-teller, which is the best way to teach others. Always delighted to read his wisdom.
    • Alan C. Fox
      Always appreciate you, Sharon. Thank you for being part of this author journey of mine. - Alan
  2. Kay Spencer
    Clever writing, but I disagree . . . One of humanities worst qualities is our need to win at any cost. If your entire objective is to win, I can see changing running partners when you find a better match, but in all fairness, no real race allows you to change partner’s mid-race when you have started and committed to another team mate. If, and only if your original running mate knows from the beginning of your partnership that you will always be looking for a better match, and when you find a better partner you are up front with your original team mate in the exchange, I might be able see this as ethical. But … if the new partner steps in and takes all the attention and glory of the original team mate, I see nothing ethical, actually it's borderline despicable. A person’s character is not seen when he chalks up his wins, but how he handles himself and others while getting to the win. As a professional dancer I see people swapping partners all the time. A team can work years on developing their style and fame, both putting equally into the partnership. As in every duo one is more in the limelight than the other and begins to believe their own hype. When all the real grunt work has been done, a newer, “more fitting” partner comes along and it’s out with the old and in with the new. The new model reaps all the benefits that the original partner worked so hard for, but since one partner took more of the limelight, the other partner was easily replaced. In the game of life it is not finding a "better fit" (or a clone of one’s self) that displays a winner. A winner is someone that keeps commitments, is honest and up front, helps team mates improve, works with what they have, does not takes the easy way out, and when a wins come handles it with grace, humility and genuine appreciation for those who helped him get there. . . Anything less, I call that a coward.
    • Alan C. Fox
      KaY --Thanks for your comment. I don't think we totally disagree. My basic thought is that it's important to choose a partner who you are compatible with, not necessarily the fastest or the best. And I also believe that practice together makes a partnership work. Alan

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Yes, I would like to receive emails from Alan C. Fox. Sign me up!


By submitting this form, you are consenting to receive marketing emails from: . You can revoke your consent to receive emails at any time by using the SafeUnsubscribe® link, found at the bottom of every email. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact