Chocolate Ice Cream and Parallel Paths

One of the more important lessons I’ve learned in life is that we all walk unique but parallel paths. Each of us is truly one of a kind. We have different preferences, worldviews, and tastes.  I’ve even heard of some people who dislike chocolate ice cream.  Now that is really strange.

And even if you and I speak the same language, we certainly will have different vocabularies and emotional associations.  When I think of New York City I think of seeing plays on Broadway.  You might associate New York City with 9/11, or the New York Mets, or high rents.

To paraphrase Zelda Fitzgerald, we each cling to our own innards.  And I say we must realize this, and walk in the other person’s moccasins in order to have the best possible relationship with them.

It is important to my friend Gina that she knows in advance when someone will arrive at her home.  She doesn’t like to be surprised.  I always call her in advance.  Her husband, Kevin, doesn’t care who shows up or when, but he doesn’t like to be abandoned.  So Kevin needs to know when someone is leaving his home.  I make it a point to always say “goodbye” to Kevin.  Neither Gina nor Kevin is “right” or “wrong” here. There is just a huge difference in how they think about visitors to their home.

There is an amusing, and not uncommon, scene in the movie Annie Hall. Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown on opposite sides of a split screen while each one is in a separate therapy session. The two therapists ask their clients how often they make love.

“Hardly ever,” says Woody Allen. “Maybe three times a week.” “Constantly,” says Diane Keaton. “At least three times a week.” Again there is no “right” or “wrong” here, just a different reaction to the same facts.

I prefer communicating in writing, which is why I receive and answer more than two hundred e-mails on most business days. My friend Gary is verbal—he talks on his cell phone constantly and always has to recharge his cell phone in the afternoon.

A friend of mine, Hugo, married Lauren, and they moved into their present home twenty years ago. She put all of her possessions in closets and drawers within three days. Hugo still has many of his possessions in boxes — in the garage.

Finally, we all have different fears. I am terrified of high places such as cliffs, but I have never been afraid of money. Years ago the idea struck me that many people climb mountains and are not in the least afraid of high places, while others have such great fear around money that they won’t even talk about it. I then realized that all of my fears are personal to me, just as your fears are personal to you.  Few of our fears are universal.

Although you inevitably bring your own experience and understanding to every human interaction, you can’t automatically assume that I am exactly like you. Sooner or later each of us has to learn to recognize, respect, and, hopefully, enjoy our differences. Our relationships with our partners, our children, and our friends are more satisfying and successful when we do. I raised my children differently than the way my grandchildren are being raised.  I do not interfere.

Though we all live on the same planet, we can never walk completely in each other’s footsteps, even if we are family. We follow Parallel, not Identical, Paths.

Chocolate ice cream, anyone?

Alan