Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

 

I am more than sixty years beyond my first childhood, but today I smiled to see children playing the age-old game of hide and seek.  Everyone else hid while “it” counted to ten then called, “Here I come, ready or not!”

When “it” found and tagged another player, he or she became the next “it.”  Several children ran fast enough to touch home base before being tagged and were safe for the next round.  Finally “it” called, “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” and the players still hiding raced for home with many delighted shrieks and giggles.

I was never quick at hide and seek, so I had to be clever in hiding.  But I wasn’t clever at hiding either, so I was “it” most of the time.

One essential question when you grow up is when to hide and when to run, screaming silently with fear and delight, to the safety of home.  And it is no longer entirely a game.  When should you be self-contained, keeping thoughts and emotions to yourself, and when should you allow yourself the thrill of a mad dash for home, vulnerable and free?  The answer is tricky, because it depends on who you are and who you are with, as well as the subject matter.  There is no “one size fits all” solution, but let’s take a look at grownup hide and seek.

When I was twelve or thirteen I became obsessed with the idea of convincing a girl to love me.  I haunted the library and read more than a few books.  I finally found one sentence in one book which helped.

“If you want someone to love you, love them first.”

I decided then and there, even though I didn’t start dating for another three or four years, that I would be the first to say “I love you.”  To be safe I practiced on my mom.  She was a saint and always loved me back.  Always.

With teenage girls it wasn’t so easy, and since I was fat and geeky I didn’t have much opportunity. But in the tenth grade when I finally said “I love you” to Cathy Ferris she told me she was planning to go steady with my debate partner and my heart was crushed.

Twenty five years later I met my writing idol, Ray Bradbury, in the lobby of a theater after seeing his new play, still a work in progress. He was definitely nervous, and possibly inebriated.

“Mr. Bradbury,” I said, “I’ve loved your writing for twenty years.”  It was a little awkward, but sincere.

As we shook hands he seemed to glare at me. “Hmph.  I’ve been writing for a lot longer than twenty years.”

Instantly his image morphed into something ugly inside my heart.  I felt rejected that night and for a long time after.

A few years ago I realized my mistake.  I got the “I love you” part right, but missed the heart of it.  I was using “I love you” to get an “I love you” back.  I wasn’t giving.  I was trying to receive.

Today when I say, “I love you,” or “You’re one of my favorite authors,” I focus exclusively on what I am giving.  Isn’t that the essence of love?

So when the time is right you might give it a shot.  Tell your partner, your parents, or your kids, “I love you.”  Say to a friend, “I appreciate you.”  Or leave a reply on this blog.  Share your delight.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

 

NEXT WEEK:  “The Compliment.”  One of the best compliments I have ever received, and it was from my wife.

Alan

Comments ( 13 )

  1. Lynda
    Thought-provoking  vignettes. Thanks Allan.
    • Alan C. Fox

      Thanks, Lynda. I agree that vignettes are a nice way to make a point.

      Alan

  2. Skip Rawstron
    What a great story !!!! In my own childhood, my mother told me she loved me often and paid me many compliments.  My father didn't tell me he loved me until I was 45.  His generation was that way because their parents (his father) was. Consequently, I have told my children "I love you" every day and earned the highest compliment my father ever gave any one.  He said "Skip, you are the best father I have ever known". This blog will be one I send to more than 100 people urging them to read your blog, as I do.  It always makes my day.
    • Alan C. Fox

      Thanks, Skip.  I didn't receive many compliments from my Dad- he thought I would lose motivation, when the opposite is the case.

      Alan

  3. Julia Franco
    This is a phenomenon that becomes more apparent as I get older: only the gift given with an open heart is valuable, to both the receiver and the giver. I hope this wisdom comes to others earlier than it did to me, but I'm grateful that I've learned it, and I try to give a gift every day. Thanks for the reminder. I appreciate it.  By the way, my godfather was a friend of Ray Bradbury and I understand that 'prickly' often described Mr. Bradbury's demeanor. Too bad. But -- we have his literary legacy. 
    • Alan C. Fox

      Thanks, Julia.  I'm glad that Mr. Bradbury was not just picking on me.  And his literary legacy is one of the best, as far as I'm concerned. Alan

  4. Laurie Butler
    This is so true.  The Ray Bradbury incident was most telling.  We do seem to court those who can give us love, acknowledgement or just a winning smile.  The key seems to be to love with eyes open and communicate with back up.  
    • Alan C. Fox

      Thanks, Laurie.  I agree.  As the wife of Willy Loman said at the end of Death of a Salesman, "Attention, attention must finally be paid to such a person." Alan

  5. Marsha Hymanson
    I really enjoyed your post.  I have decided that there is far too little of verbal expressions of love in our society.  My mother always said "I love you" frequently, but I had never heard it from my father.  About 7 years ago I began to say "I love you" to my Dad during our daily phone calls.  After about 2 weeks, he asked me why I was saying that, and I explained that I believed that when people love each other, they should say it often.  After about a month of being the only one to say "I love you," my Dad started saying it to me every day during our calls.  I can't describe how good this made me feel, and hopefully it made him feel good, too.  After 7 years we are still both saying it each other daily.
  6. patti McDermott
    thank you for another brilliant, insightful post on your blog.  There's so much wisdom in understanding when we are giving to receive and when we are giving to give.  Giving love is so powerful, sometimes it's enough and makes us feel so good that we don't "need" love back.  So much difference in the two! and you put it beautifully. 
    • Alan C. Fox
      You are exactly right, Patti. Sometimes just the feeling that we get from giving is enough to satisfy us. Alan
  7. Linda
    Alan, I had the pleasure of meeting your mother and you are correct, she did "always love you".
    • Alan C. Fox
      Thanks, Linda. I loved her very much. Always. Alan

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Yes, I would like to receive emails from Alan C. Fox. Sign me up!


By submitting this form, you are consenting to receive marketing emails from: . You can revoke your consent to receive emails at any time by using the SafeUnsubscribe® link, found at the bottom of every email. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact