Kids Will Be Grownups

I have nine children. Three are from my first marriage, two stepsons from my second marriage, and three daughters from my third marriage. (My final marriage, as Daveen would say.) For those few of you who check the numbers like I do, I add one foster child who graduated with honors from Tufts University.

They range in age from 26 to 51. Each has graduated from college. They have earned twelve graduate degrees among them. And every single one was once seven years old, as well as sixteen years old — just like you and me (unless you’re now younger than sixteen – but even so, there is already an adult blossoming inside of you).

I mention all of this not to brag, though I am extremely proud of each of my children, but to point out that every one was once an adult in waiting. I never spanked a single child. I never “grounded” a child. What I did was to consistently expect responsible behavior.

For example, when one of my three young daughters acted in an immature way I simply said, “You’re not being civilized. Please go to your room until you can be civilized. I don’t care if you’re in there for ten seconds or ten years. That is entirely up to you.”

That’s it. True, when one daughter was three or four she did not realize that my suggestion was a command. That’s why parents are larger than young children. I carried her to her room. Once one of them emerged and still wasn’t civil. I said, “Oh, goodness. I’m afraid you missed this time. Please go back to your room until you can be civilized.” She did, and, when she reappeared, she was.

How long were they in their rooms? I didn’t keep track because it wasn’t important. I aimed for an outcome of self-regulation, whether it took ten minutes (probably the average) or an hour. I should also add that I have a few other rules. One is no hitting – use your words. Another is no TV in your bedroom. They watched TV in the family room.

As a parent you are a very large part of the equation. To have terrific adult children you have to treat them as being responsible from a very young age.

When my daughter Sara, now 35, was 2-1/2 I held a BBQ at my home. The four year old daughter of a cousin sat next to me, but soon decided she preferred to sit with her mother at another table. I said, “Okay. Here is your plate. Carry it to your mother over there.”

The four year old was doing fine until her mother noticed, shot to her feet, raced over and seized the plate.

“She can’t do that,” the mother screamed at both of us.

“She looked like she was doing fine. My 2-1/2 year old daughter can carry her plate from one table to another.”

Do children drop and break dishes? Of course, just like you and me. How are your children going to learn adult behavior unless they observe and imitate your own? In case you haven’t noticed, your children are watching you all of the time.

Many parents seem to believe they are supposed to administer “punishments.” Have you ever wondered why, if punishments worked so well, they have to be repeated again and again? In my experience nurturing is necessary, not penances.

Our children become responsible adults in an environment of consistent modeling and guidance.

Yes, it’s that easy. And that productive. And a whole lot of fun.

Alan