No One’s Child
“Foster” is variously defined as “substitute,” “temporary,” or “short-term.” So a “foster child” is an actual human being who is a “substitute,” “temporary,” or “short-term.” The antonym is “natural,” so a foster child is also not natural.
We met N (No One’s Child) after her mother could no longer care for her. N was about ten years old and a friend of one of our daughters in school. Both were young girls, both were in the same class, both were smart and ambitious. There was one slight difference. N was temporary and our daughter was permanent.
Both girls were admitted to one of the best private schools in Los Angeles, where they studied and succeeded. N was able to attend because she was awarded a full tuition scholarship. There were other differences. Our daughter rode the school bus. N lived far from school and took public transportation which consumed more than four hours of her life each day. Our daughter had tutors. N did not. Our daughter enjoyed family vacations. When school was out N remained at her foster home.
Very few foster children attend college. How could they? State support is terminated either on the day a short term child graduates from high school or celebrates his or her eighteenth birthday. N was required to move out of her temporary home when state payments stopped. Our daughter remained in the same bedroom she had lived in since she was three. Our daughter did not have to scrounge for money each day to buy her own food. Or clothing. Or transportation.
N was lucky. She was deserving, but lucky. Her substitute mother was truly kind, and cared about N’s education. Through hard work, determination, and help from many others N got herself admitted to a fine college on the East Coast and was awarded a full tuition scholarship. When college dorms closed during the cold winter break our daughter flew home to visit friends and family and celebrate Christmas. Where could N go? Who could she visit? Where was the money for airfare?
This is where my wife, Daveen, firmly stepped in, paying N’s airfare and providing a room in our home for winter break. And spring break. And for the summer. Most of our family attended N’s cum laude college graduation.
I said “our family.” It’s easy to slip into that thought pattern. After all, N was not our natural daughter. She was short-term.
Of course, one of our daughters now lives in Colorado, the second in Washington, D.C., and the third about half an hour away. An hour if I 405 is busy, which it usually is.
N, now 27, lives with us now. She has said that she is going to stay with us until she marries, and she knows that she is welcome – even encouraged — to do exactly that.
You are not permanent. I am not permanent. Therefore our relationship cannot be permanent even though we may think it is. We will not be together forever, no matter how “natural” our relationship may be. Daveen and I love every one of our nine children — N, our three daughters, my three children by a first marriage, and my two stepsons from a second marriage. All nine children are as natural as they come, and we will celebrate Christmas Eve dinner with all of them for the rest of our lives. Or at least with as many as are available on the evening of December 24th each year.
“Foster” also means “cultivate,” “forward,” and “encourage.” In that sense I hope that each of us will “foster” each other, every day of our lives.
Alan
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