Take Responsibility for Your Performance

The other day I was hurrying along the sidewalk on my way to get a haircut when someone almost knocked me over.  After regaining my balance I turned to see the woman who had bumped into me on the ground. Her dry cleaning was strewn around her.

“Are you okay?” I asked

“Yes, I’m so sorry,” she said.  “The plastic wrapping got caught in the door as I left the cleaners and I tripped.  I hope you aren’t hurt.”

“Not at all,” I said.  “I’m glad you’re okay.”

I helped her pick up her dry cleaning.  We smiled at each other and continued on our way.

As Chick Hearn, who broadcast 3,338 consecutive basketball games for the Los Angeles Lakers, often said, “No harm, no foul.”

It is human nature to forgive an action that did not appear to be intentional.  In this case it was obvious that the woman did not mean to bump into me.  While I was startled, and almost fell, I was not offended when I realized it was an accident.  If I believed she had bumped into me on purpose, I would have reacted very differently.

We often apply this test to the actions of others.  We ask, “Was it intentional?”  If something was annoying or hurtful, and we believe the act was deliberate then we might become angry.  If we believe the action was accidental, and it was not truly hurtful, we are quick to pardon the potential offender.

In a relationship this lack of “intent” can, of course, be used as an excuse for hurtful behavior. This is especially true when something like “I didn’t mean to . . .”  is offered as a substitute for performance or for being considerate. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” is offered instead of choosing not to say something insensitive in the first place. But when someone could choose to behave differently, and yet doesn’t, their “intent” is suspect. And when it is used this way too many times it can seriously damage any relationship.

My friend Gina is fond of the, “I lost track of time” justification whenever she is late, which is often.

My friends don’t loan me books anymore.  They are right.  I never intend to lose their books, but in the past forty years I don’t remember returning a single one.

When it comes to a relationship, let’s not abuse the “Intent.” Don’t let it become a meaningless and misleading reason for failure to perform.  When abused repeatedly, it’s not only infuriating but also can end a relationship.

There will be times when you truly do not intend for something to happen. I suggest that you save the excuses for when you really are innocent of any culpability. False justifications can keep you from building your relationship on a foundation of mutual trust. Repeated excuses, after all, can get really old.

I meant to make this a better blog, but I ran out of time.

Alan