10 Tools for Building Better Relationships

Over the course of my lifetime, I’ve often found myself saying, “I wish someone would have told me that when I was 20 years old!”

After 74 years on earth, which have included a successful real estate career, a wonderful family, and a loving marriage, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve shared that wisdom with my own children and grandchildren over the years by breaking it down into simple lessons or skills.

I call these skills “People Tools.” They are simple behavioral techniques that I’ve used over the years to better understand myself and those around me, and as a result build better relationships and a happier life.

I’ve written an entire book full of People Tools (54 to be exact). Here are my top ten. I hope you will find them as thought provoking and useful as I have!

1.    Patterns Persist

Whenever I visit a buffet restaurant I eat more than I had intended. This was true when I was twenty years old and it’s still true today (I’m 74). Patterns persist. Persistent Patterns Persist Persistently.

2.    Get Past Perfect

I spent much of my life as a perfectionist, and I still appreciate perfectionism when I’m at 37,000 feet in an airplane. But the pursuit of perfection can also become a trap. It can cause us to waste time and money trying to perfect what doesn’t need to be 100% perfect.   It can cause us to be perpetually dissatisfied with ourselves and those around us, and continually fall short of our goals. It can cause us to procrastinate on a job, in fear that we won’t do it perfectly. Let’s be happy, and Get Past Perfect.

3.    Catch Them Being Good

If you want people around you to repeat a behavior you enjoy (for me it’s a dinner of sweet and sour meatballs), praise them.  Heck, praise yourself when you do something you like.  Catch Them, and You, Being Good.

4.    Belt Buckle

I meet many people every day, and have continuing relationships with even more.  I discover who each person is by paying close attention to their Belt Buckle – to what they do, rather than what they say.

5.    Sunk Cost

One of the most important lessons I learned in business school is the Sunk Cost Theory, which states that in decision making you should focus on the future and not the past. If you’ve invested 10 years in a job, but you feel underpaid and underappreciated, why not find a new one? If you’re in a long-term relationship, but you don’t see it going anywhere, maybe it’s time to move on. Ask yourself what would make you happier today and tomorrow, not what you have already invested, which is a Sunk Cost.

6.    Advertise Your Mistakes

I used to think that admitting my mistakes was a sign of weakness, and so I didn’t. I went through life assuming I was perfect while blaming everyone but myself for anything and everything that went wrong. You can imagine how well that worked. Over time, I’ve changed my tune and developed a practice of advertising, rather than hiding, my mistakes. People trust me more when I’m open about my imperfections. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes, and if we can admit that to ourselves, and others, we’ll build much stronger and more authentic relationships.

7.    Buy a Ticket

In “Buy a Ticket” a thunderous voice responds to Joseph’s repeated prayer to win the lottery with the recommendation, “Joseph.  Meet me half way.  Buy a ticket.”  Many of us hope that life will just open its doors for us and give us what we want, but we fail to make even a minimal effort to get it. If you want to attend the show, Buy a Ticket.

8.    Erase

If I choose to leave work early one afternoon to watch my daughter play soccer, I may fall behind at the office but I will also build a stronger family. “Erase” allows me to block any regret that I may otherwise feel over a decision once I’ve made it. Why second guess yourself? Enjoy your enjoyment.

9.    A Little Bit of Oil

The moving parts in your car require lubrication.  So does the friction in your human relationships.  When a friend is feeling sad the best “oil” I can provide is to listen and sympathize.  I don’t have to solve the problem – time will do that.  With proper lubrication a car engine will run for many miles. With proper lubrication from humor or from just plain listening, a human relationship will run smoothly for many years.

10. Socrates — Know Thyself

You have to know yourself—your likes, dislikes, abilities, disabilities, experiences, and goals—in order to select the tools most useful in your own life, just as a carpenter must choose which saw to use for a particular purpose. You are unique.  You have your own strengths and weaknesses, and need to use different strategies to accentuate your strengths and conquer your weaknesses.

If you like any or all of the above, you will definitely enjoy my book, People Tools: 54 Strategies for Building Relationships, Creating Joy, and Embracing Prosperity, which was published this January. You can order a copy of the book here.

Alan