Mindreading – If You Loved Me I Wouldn’t Have to Ask

I used to believe that if I had to ask you for something then even if you gave me what I asked for it was worthless. If you really cared for me you would gladly give me whatever I needed without my having to go to the trouble of actually asking.

Just how logical is this idea? Let’s give it a try. Take a few seconds, close your eyes, and then tell me what I want right now.

All right. Time’s up. Did you figure it out? If you didn’t read my mind correctly should I conclude that you don’t really care about me?

Of course not. But am I alone in this mindreading belief?

Unfortunately, a lot of us have this expectation that when we are close to someone, they should be able to read our minds and give us what we want without our asking for it. Even if we know that is not realistic, we do it anyway. And because people can’t read each other’s minds it has a negative effect on relationships.

I have a solution. Why not help those around us out. Let’s ask for what we want directly? Wouldn’t we all be happier?

At my office everyone I work with performs extremely well, especially when I set clear expectations.  And at home I don’t mind asking for what I want. It significantly increases the chances that I will get it.

Then there is the flip side.  People sometimes want me to be a mind reader, and that works about as well as you might expect. One time my mother gave me two shirts for my birthday.  The next time I saw her I was wearing one of the shirts.

“What’s the matter,” she said.  “Don’t you like the other shirt?”

At an annual review in my office I always ask my employees to tell me what new salary they expect, and why.  I prefer to start there, rather than guessing, and being uncertain for the following year if they are really pleased, or really disappointed.

In contract law there is a concept of a “meeting of the minds.”  You agree to build a house for me.  I agree to pay you a fixed amount of money.  If I expect a furnished palace of ten thousand square feet, and you expect to provide a small wooden shack in my back yard, there would be no “meeting of the minds” and there could be no enforceable contract because the material details of our agreement are vastly different. There is a good reason for this and it is obvious when you think about it. That is why a good contract will have explicit specifications.

The bottom line is, if you want something, ask for it and be specific. No more mind reading. Don’t expect others to know what it is you are thinking. That sets everyone up for failure. For happier, more successful relationships, open your mind and give this idea a try.

And I’d really love it if you let me know how it works. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Alan