Pick Your Fear – Engulfment or Abandonment

Your friends, your children, and your partner in life are not exactly the same as you.

Many years ago I read a book which reported that people from different cultures have different preferences in how far apart to stand when having a conversation.  One may prefer to stand three feet from you, a second may favor two feet, and a third may position him or herself close enough to breathe in your face.  There is no “right” or “wrong” here, merely a difference.  You might remember this when you find yourself talking to someone, perhaps from a different country, who keeps moving closer to you while you keep moving away, or who moves away while you keep chasing them to get closer.

One of the most critical aspects in maintaining a good relationship is to discover the differences between you and your partner and to honor them.  It’s an even better idea to discuss and discover any important differences before you enter into a committed relationship.

Tom, a friend of mine, loves chocolate ice cream.  His wife Becky prefers vanilla.  Their daughter, Lisa, is allergic to milk products and doesn’t eat ice cream at all.  Tom has learned that when celebrating Becky’s birthday he should serve vanilla ice cream.  For Lisa, chocolate chip cookies are welcome.  Tom no longer assumes that everyone loves chocolate ice cream as much as he does.

A central but almost invisible difference in a relationship is how much emotional distance is preferred by each partner.  On a deep level each of us most fears either engulfment or abandonment.  At your core you will find inside yourself one, or perhaps both, of these fears.  But it may be tricky to discover which one is primary, as it can only be observed through your actions.

For example, Annie fears engulfment.  She doesn’t like unexpected visits from outsiders to her home.  When they were first married Phil didn’t realize this.  He would sometimes bring a friend home with him without any notice.  When this happened Annie was chilly to Phil, and after the friend left they would have a huge fight.  Phil felt rejected, and spent the night in the basement.  It was years before Phil realized that Annie needed notice in order to feel emotionally secure when someone other than Phil walked through the front door.

The reason it took Phil so long to understand Annie’s fear is because he is the opposite.  Phil fears abandonment.  He feels unloved and desolate if Annie leaves their home without saying “goodbye.”  In the beginning, when he couldn’t find her, he was anxious and called her cell phone.  This irritated Annie because she felt that Phil was clingy and didn’t trust her.

Fear is often irrational, and always personal.  I’m afraid to ride on a ski lift or gondola.  I hold my breath because I’m terrified the cable might break and I’ll fall to my death.  Yet many people ride ski lifts without concern.

It took many years for Annie and Phil to discover that she had a fear of engulfment and he had a fear of abandonment.  Now Phil always calls Annie to let her know when he expects to bring a guest home.  And Annie always gives Phil a hug and says “goodbye” before leaving to go shopping.

Engulfment or Abandonment?  You can live happily together with this and many other differences, but only after you each discover what is behind some of your “odd” behaviors.

Would anyone like a scoop of Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch?  I’ll take two.

Alan