Catch Yourself Being Effective
I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change is the second-longest running Off-Broadway musical in history.
No wonder. Even the title describes a situation we’ve all experienced. Our parents were perfect until we figured out that they, like other human beings, were human. Every romantic love of our lives was perfect until we realized that they didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube. Our children were perfect when they were born. That didn’t last forever.
Every one of us has a unique set of habits and preferences.
Please note I said “preferences,” not absolutes. I prefer my eggs either scrambled or over easy. Several members of my extended family are vegans and don’t eat eggs at all. There is no “right or “wrong” here – just different preferences.
To have a successful relationship with someone you have to understand, deeply, that when you like rap and they prefer classical they are not wrong. They merely have a different preference that they may or may not be able or willing to change. How would you feel if your partner insisted that for the rest of your life you could only eat his or her favorite foods, and never your own (bye bye French fry)?
Of course, I always think the demands I make on my partner are easy, loving, and would give her a better life, whereas the changes she has requested from me are overbearing, outrageous, and selfish. Ah, perspective is everything.
But when you’ve had the same argument with the same partner about the same requested changes for (fill in the amount of time), eventually you have to realize that to be effective you need to use other options. Since continuing to argue hasn’t worked and will never work, consider one of these three alternatives.
- Offer. Simply say to your partner, “Would you please be responsible for taking out the recycling? What can I do for you in return?” Your partner may respond with something that is fine with you, and the problem is solved.
- Deal Point — Leave. Your partner may answer, “I won’t be responsible for the recycling under any circumstances.” When neither of you will compromise under any circumstances then it’s a “deal point.” When you encounter a “deal point” from which no one will back down then the only effective solution is to end the relationship.
- Give Up. If it isn’t mandatory for you that your partner take out the recycling, then just let it go. You will have removed a point of friction between the two of you, leaving space in your relationship for everything you enjoy about each other.
I’m thinking that being effective in life is so important that it deserves a book of its own. At least it deserves another blog or two.
Do you agree?
Alan