“Patterns Persist” Revisited

“Patterns Persist” is the title of Chapter 7 of my New York Times bestselling book People Tools.  It’s my favorite chapter, and is also the one that many readers find most useful, and they often share examples from their own lives.

The idea is simple. If you find yourself, or anyone else in your life, repeating a behavior, expect that pattern to continue.

When is this particular People Tool helpful?  Every day.

For example, when I was twenty-one my father said to me, “Alan, when you marry, don’t expect your wife to change.  If you go into marriage expecting her to change her core beliefs or set behaviors in any meaningful way you are setting yourself up for disappointment as time goes on and she remains the same.”

I was twenty-one, so I ignored his advice.  From my perspective my father didn’t know much then, and it wasn’t until I was almost thirty that I realized he had learned a great deal. Even so, I remembered his advice and after seven years of marriage I finally made good use of it.

By then, my wife and I had been fighting almost continuously for three years, always about the same issue.  I believe that when you’re married, or in a committed relationship, you support your partner no matter what.  Her position was that you support whoever you think is in the right, and in her mind, that wasn’t me.  I found this untenable. Imagine being asked what you did to provoke the bully on the playground to beat you up, rather than being supported?”

One night we were having the same fight for the umpteenth time and I thought, “This woman is not going to change. She is going to be exactly the same for the rest of her life.”  Then I asked myself, “Is that okay with me?”

My instant answer was, “No.”  So I packed my suitcase and left.  That was forty-eight years ago, almost to the day.  I’m delighted to report that she has been happily remarried for many years. But I hear that she still holds to the position that caused us problems so many years ago.

I’m even happier to report that in my current relationship, Daveen and I support each other unconditionally, no matter what.

I also know that when one is absolutely committed to it, established patterns can change.  It’s possible.  I no longer eat four or five slices of bread at a restaurant before anything else is even served.  As a result I’m sixty pounds lighter than I was six years ago.

What I’m working on now is exercise.  My son the doctor says that if I want to stay healthy I have to seriously exercise at least six days a week.  He tells me that when you’re seventy-nine it takes more time to get fit, and to remain fit you have to exercise every day.

I‘m sure he’s right.  So after years of being the consummate couch potato I’ll see if I can establish a new pattern – taking at least one brisk walk a day for a minimum of twenty minutes.  Maybe listening to books on tape will help.

Can this old dog learn this new trick?  In a few months we’ll both find out.  Although, if another pattern of mine persists, I’m more likely to share with you the good news only if I succeeded, rather than the bad news if I didn’t.  Maybe this is an opportunity for me to change that pattern as well.

We’ll see.

Alan