A Relationship Is like a Three-Legged Race

I recently met Natasha, a petite fifty-year-old woman, who told me the following story.

“When I was seven or eight years old,” she said,” I ran extremely fast.  I often won races, but I was mostly interested in the three-legged race where I ran with a partner and one of my legs was tied to hers.”

“I did that when I was a kid,” I said.  “It can sure slow you down.”

“That depends on whether or not you have the right partner.”

“I was pretty slow,” I said, “so I always picked the fastest boy to run with me.”

“I’ll bet you didn’t do too well.”

“Actually, you’re right.  I didn’t.  How did you guess?”

“Because,” she said, “you chose the wrong partner.  If you’re slow you don’t want to be tied to the fastest runner.  You want to run with a partner who has a stride most compatible with your own.  I’m small, so it wouldn’t have worked for me to team up with the tallest girl in my class.”

“So did you usually win?” I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

Natasha smiled.  “Every time,” she said.

After our meeting I began to think about relationships. We always look for a partner who meets certain criteria – tall, short, older, younger, with children, without children.  We have our conditions, and that’s a good thing.  For example, I’m not comfortable learning a foreign language, so I wouldn’t consider a woman who didn’t speak English.

But our standards for a relationship often fail to include a few essential values.  My friend Kevin, for example, wanted a woman who was thin and who would join him in activities, even if she didn’t like to do them.  In this way, he thought, she “proved” her love by doing things just to please him.  Although he had many relationships, not surprisingly, none of them seemed to “stick.”  He didn’t include what, to me, is the most important requirement of all – that his partner care deeply for him.

Years ago Stacie asked me if she should marry Tom.

“He’s really cute, a good companion, great with my kids, but he’s not an intellectual.”

“Is sex good,” I asked?

“Terrific,” she said.

“Then marry him.  Companionship and being good with your kids are a lot more important than discussing Sartre or Camus at the dinner table.  You can always find intellectual stimulation by taking a class or talking with your friends.”

For me the one essential I cannot do without is compatibility.  Do you like going to bed at nine pm?  Watching TV (and what shows)?  Seeing movies together?  Going dancing.  Eating meals at home or going out every night?  Taking vacations together – at the beach or hiking the Appalachian Trail?  Do you spend money carefully?  Do you enjoy laughing at my jokes?  Repeatedly.

Every couple is going to be different in many respects.  Often an introvert does well married to an extrovert who will blaze the trail in social settings.  You certainly don’t have to be the same, but to enter into a relationship which will endure you do need to be compatible in many areas which are important to each of you.

As for Natasha, for many years, she’s been happily married to a six foot six inch professional basketball star, proving that, in the three-legged race of relationships, compatibility counts. And Natasha still laughs at all of his jokes.

Alan