Apologize – Even When You Have Done Nothing Wrong

I don’t know about you, but I grew up thinking that an apology was a weakness.  After all, it is acknowledging a … well … a … MISTAKE.  Ouch.  Who wants to make a mistake in the first place?  And if you do, do you really want to publicly announce that you screwed up?

And what about a situation in which you truly don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong?  Often in life, you can have a disagreement with someone that results in hurt feelings – even if from your own perspective you are totally in the right.

An example I’ve shared before comes to mind. Almost forty years ago I studied psychology with a psychiatrist, Paul Ware, in a week-long retreat.  At week’s end Paul spent an hour with me discussing any personal questions I might have.

With a few minutes to go, Paul asked, “Anything else?”

“We only have four minutes left,” I said.

“You can accomplish a lot in four minutes,” he replied.

“Okay.  I have a fifteen-year-old son who hasn’t spoken to me in nine months.  What do you suggest?”

“Apologize.”

“But I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Do you want to have a relationship with your son or not?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then go home and apologize.”

With difficulty, I followed Paul’s advice.  As a result, the fog between my son and me lifted and we have enjoyed an excellent relationship ever since.

Paul’s advice could be some of the best I’ve ever received. If you value a relationship with someone, being right and winning an argument should never take priority over sustaining your relationship. A sincere apology, given without any excuses, diffuses the situation and can reestablish the peace. Ultimately – isn’t your commitment to making things right with someone you care about more important than being right?

During the past forty years I have followed Paul’s advice in other parts of my life.  When a mistake is made in my business, I often acknowledge my own culpability, rather than immediately blaming someone else.  And to quote a song from Mary Poppins, “Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.”

Perhaps you remember the hilarious scene in the movie “A Fish Called Wanda,” in which Kevin Kline tries to apologize with, “I’m s…s…s…sor…ry.”  Good try, Kevin.

Apologizing is seldom easy.  But it is always welcome, especially when you think you haven’t done anything wrong.

Alan