Alan Fox

ADDICTION is defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, such as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

MONEY, is defined as any circulating medium of exchange, including coins, paper money, and demand deposits.

Last month I flew to Monterey, California for a seminar held at a beautiful conference center on the Pacific Ocean.  Unfortunately, both my wallet and my cash remained in the pocket of my jacket in Los Angeles.  So there I was at the front desk of Asilomar, checking in for the weekend, with no money and no credit card.

Fortunately, my daughter Jill was with me.  She kindly loaned me one of her credit cards.

Even though I had previously paid in full for the conference, I felt limited.  I used Jill’s card to register, but I did not feel comfortable charging anything to my room. I felt psychologically naked (though perhaps no one else noticed).  That feeling was exacerbated on Sunday when I used an App on my iPhone to arrange for a ride back to the airport.  The credit card I had on file for Lyft was denied.  A few months earlier that card had been replaced after a fraudulent charge.

I reluctantly entered Jill’s credit card number into my Lyft account, and my driver soon appeared.

There I was, three hundred miles from home, with no cash or my own credit cards.  I felt unsettled, angry, and scared.

Back in Los Angles when I found my wallet exactly where I had left it I felt reassured, reenergized, and relieved.

This was a minor experience but it left a major impact.  I began to think about the role of money in our lives and, frankly, I conclude that most of us, including me, are addicted to money because “…its cessation causes severe trauma.”

Let’s refocus.  Years ago I had a “smiley face” printed on each check for my personal bank account.  Several people asked me, “Why the smiley face?  After all, you’re spending money.”

My answer was, “Because I’d rather have whatever I’m buying than the money.  So spending money is a happy experience for me.”

How easy it is to forget that money has very little value in and of itself.  You might be able to fry an egg on a campfire fueled by dollar bills, but if you eat a dollar bill you won’t receive much nutrition.  And one day all of your money – every cent of it – will belong to someone else.  This is not a guess.  It’s a certainty.

So let’s take a deep breath, use the beautiful alchemy of transforming money into something we will enjoy a lot more, and remember that numbers on a bank statement are a means to an end, and certainly not and end in itself.

Alan

I recently read a beautiful note written by my friend Trudy. When I receive something I appreciate from a friend, they can only know my delight when I tell them. So I immediately emailed Trudy to tell her I was touched.  She then shared a memory I found quite helpful.

“Alan, I’ve always listened to your advice and appreciate your perspective…

This is a page I scanned for you…”

It was from a 2015 edition of Rattle in which I interviewed the poet Jan Heller Levi.

Trudy wrote, “…loving what you said at the end [of the interview] & wondering if it has to do with how well you’re doing during a difficult time.”

As many of you know I recently experienced a personal loss.

The part of the interview Trudy so thoughtfully shared was a timely reminder of the important role that grief serves in our lives.

Here is the excerpt:

“FOX:  One of your poems you’re writing about Lao Tzu:

what do we see

what can we see without seeing

what have we been given

‘      what has been taken away

what are the questions underneath our questions

how do we make our griefs our tools.”

How do we make our griefs our tools?

LEVI:  Well, I guess we have to.  The conventional way of thinking about our griefs is that they hold us back, that they’re a weight that we carry that holds us back from doing our work in the world—but there is no life without grief.  And it’s an animating force.  It’s what we need to use, because we need to use all of ourselves.  That’s a big part of ourselves.”

So how am I connecting through my grief? This morning my dad, his caregiver, my daughter, her husband and I enjoyed a Sunday brunch together at The Smoke House in Toluca Lake. Their Sunday brunch has been a family favorite for years, but I enjoyed myself today more than I ever have before.

Why?

Because we all shared a rewarding conversation. We were all open and vulnerable.  Everyone participated and we learned more about each other than we had before.

Why?

Because, being suddenly single, I was willing to begin by taking a risk. I ignored my potential embarrassment and shared that I had joined a dating service.  I was relieved when my daughter and her husband, both in their early thirties, said that everyone does that nowadays.

We had a wonderful time getting to know each other better, and it was fun.  My dad asked my daughter and her husband about their experiences in separate graduate school programs.  He shared memories of his own childhood which I had never heard before.

When I disclose my important feelings, when I ask a question and really listen to the answer, when I spend meaningful time with friends and family, I satisfy an emotional hunger that food can never fill.  In fact, our conversation was so nourishing I finished only one plate of food from the buffet.  That was a first!

In a few months we have our next Smoke House Sunday Brunch on the calendar – to celebrate my dad’s 104^th birthday.  I look forward to another conversation, as meaningful as it was today.

Alan

We’ve all heard it said, “Money can’t buy happiness.”  But I’ve also heard it said that, “Money is way ahead of whatever is in second place.”

I’ve been in business for more than fifty years. Had you asked me during my first ten years, “what is the goal of your business?” I would have answered, “profit.” Back then my goal was profit, pure and simple.

Over the next forty years, however, my views have gradually changed.  I’ve met many people who have focused their lives on the pursuit of profit, and they are not happy.

I’d like to ask each of them the question, “How much is enough?” But I think their answer would probably be, “More.”  I respectfully disagree.

Recently the CEO of a company with more than six trillion dollars under management wrote a letter to the top executive of all of the companies in which they had invested, advising them that they would be evaluated not just on their profits, but also on their contribution to their communities. He made it clear that those companies would do well (in terms of profits) if they were also doing good (helping their communities).

I would take that a bit farther.

I think it’s also a very good business idea to take care of your employees.  After all, they are the folks who show up every day and handle your business.  Without them you would be kaput   If employees feel treated badly, at best they will be less productive and at worst they will quit.  Most businesses seriously underestimate the cost of finding, hiring, and training replacements.

This is why I try to show appreciation by buying lunch, giving bonuses from time to time, and offering “personal” days off.

But even if you don’t own your own business, I still believe that you can enhance your life by taking care of yourself and those around you. Spend more time with your families, take a bit more vacation every year, enjoy sitting down to dinner with your children or loved ones most days, and spend much of your weekends with them engaging in shared activities that bring happiness into your lives. These activities ultimately matter more than profit.

I would write more, but one of my sons has asked for more of my time, and I’m off to have lunch with him.

Alan