Alan C. Fox

Years ago I saw a comedy show in Inverness, Scotland. I still remember one of the comedian’s jokes.

“I’m on a seafood diet,” he said.  “I see food, I eat it.”

All too true.

I recently read a study about candy dishes at offices.  When the candy was placed on the edge of someone’s desk they ate more than when it was placed twenty feet away.

In my twenties, when I was newly married, a friend asked me why I didn’t often buy my wife a new dress.

“It’s not the cost of the dress that concerns me.  I’m bothered by the lost income on the money for the rest of my life.  That lost income makes the dress pretty expensive,” I said.

Yesterday my son Craig sent me an article that highlighted how many Americans teeter on the edge of financial ruin.  Forty-seven percent of those interviewed said they could not come up with four hundred dollars to meet a sudden emergency. This group included many who earned more than one hundred thousand dollars a year.

What do these examples have in common — Eating food when you see it, spending money when you have it?  Both illustrate the natural human impulse to indulge a desire for instant gratification.

When a tribe killed a large animal years ago, the meat couldn’t be preserved, so everyone ate as much as they could. That desire was important for self-preservation. Today binge eating is dangerous. Most everyone has, at times, eaten too much and suffered the consequences later.  “Moments on the lips, years on the hips.”  At one time in my life I weighed two hundred and seventy eight pounds. I found it difficult to stand up after sitting on the sofa.  Many health issues are caused by binge eating.  Strike one against instant gratification.

Today we use money to obtain what we need. But our supply of money is limited. If we buy a new car today we may not have enough money for dinner next week.  In graduate school I met a teacher, Louise, who was paid at the end of each month.  During the three or four days before her next paycheck she often had nothing to eat.

In People Tools for Business, I wrote about a wise professor’s top ten rules for business.  The first rule: “Don’t run out of money.”  The tenth rule:  “Don’t run out of money.”  I personally know businessmen and women who spend more than they have on shiny new equipment, unnecessary research, or a large support staff. When they can’t pay the bills everyone suffers – their families, suppliers, and employees.  That stress can be a killer.  Strike two against instant gratification.

My solution for both problems is this:  train yourself to enjoy the process of deferred gratification.  Look forward to the quality, not the quantity, of your next meal, and put less food on your plate right now.  Half a sandwich for lunch works for me.  I can enjoy the second half for dinner.  If I don’t see it, I’m less likely to eat it.

With money, make it fun to save.  Lorry, a friend at work, used to have jars in which she would put money for a college fund, a vacation, or a new dress.  She made a game of saving, and always had enough money to meet her needs.

I know this may take time and may not be easy at first, but it’s fun to teach yourself to play the long game. As Shakespeare wrote, “Small showers last long, but sudden storms are short.”

Alan

Since the 1980’s it’s been popular to “live in the moment.”  That’s what a therapist told me I should do more than thirty years ago.

While I understand the concept, I’ve questioned the necessity of the advice.  How is it possible not to live in the moment?  “The moment” is really all we have.

The therapist was really recommending that I pay attention to the moment, and not dwell excessively on either the past or the future. It’s what we now think of as “mindfulness.” To be mindful we simply pay attention to our bodies, our thoughts, and our surroundings.

After my mother died my father dated Barbara. Over a period of seven or eight years we got together once or twice a week. I don’t remember a single time when Barbara failed to talk about her former husband. I know that he played football for The University of Southern California in the 1940’s. Though I don’t know if he died or if they separated, he was always the topic of her conversations, which became predictable and boring.

I don’t much dwell on the past. But the past is helpful to me as a guide to the future. I like to return to the restaurants I have enjoyed, and I prefer to avoid the people and places I didn’t like. My past helps me to improve my life in the present.

Athena has been my friend for more than fifty years. When she was younger she only looked forward to the future – her next date, her next vacation, her next relationship. She never seemed to value whatever she was doing at the time.  Today Athena is retired and fortunately she finally seems able to savor the moment, spending much of her time with her daughter and granddaughter.

I don’t live for the future, but I do enjoy planning for the future – what movie to see tonight, where my business might be six months or a year from now, and where in the world I might travel next. I’m clear about that process – I am living in the moment while I am planning, enjoying both the process and my anticipation of what may come.

Many experiences, such as a fine dinner, are best savored entirely in the moment.  Some experiences, such as a great vacation, I might enjoy more in memory. I can relive the best parts, such as visiting the British Camp in Antarctica that was abandoned in about 1955, and forget about the worst parts of the trip such as being cold. Other experiences are best enjoyed in anticipation. I enjoy the thought of seeing a new movie more than the actual experience because few movies live up to my high expectations. Of course, while seeing a bad movie I can also enjoy the thought of complaining about it later.

You can live in the moment and still enjoy a memory or a pleasant expectation.  All we really have is right now.

Happy Fourth of July!

Alan

World peace depends on the fears, thoughts, and actions of a whole lot of people outside of me.  My personal inner peace depends exclusively on what goes on inside my mind.

When we’re upset it’s easy for any of us to point the index finger of disdain at a spouse, politician, friend, or boss. But such mental finger-pointing provides, at best, short-term consolation.  Respite is fleeting, inner struggle endures.  The opiate of blame is brief balm.

Is there a reliable path to inner peace?  Yes, there is.  But it’s up to you, and you alone, to regain and sustain your personal inner peace.  Ay, there’s the rub.

From 2008 until two weeks ago I’ve been unhappy (no reflection on Sprite or anyone else).  I personally blamed the economy, with more than a little justification.  From 2008 through 2012 my business hemorrhaged money, investors lost a great deal of income, and I’ve never in my life received so many letters and telephone calls of complaint.  I read news stories about people losing their homes.  Many of my friends lost their jobs. I came to understand why my father would walk half a mile to avoid a twenty-five cent parking fee.  He was in his teens when the Great Depression hit and left its mark.

Ed, a long-term friend of mine, recently said, “Alan, for the past year you’ve seemed a lot happier than you used to be.”

Many other friends and family members have mentioned that I’ve seemed happier during the past twelve months, and I suppose I have – at least on the outside (stiff upper lip and all that).  But inner peace remained elusive, obscured behind my continuing inner turmoil.

Like my father, I’m always thinking.  My inner conversation has no “off” switch.  I always ask myself how I can improve [fill in the blank].

Two weeks ago, for no particular reason, I experienced an “Aha!” moment.  I said to myself:

“I’ve been pushing too hard.

“I’ve been married to my business for 50 years.  During the past twenty I remember only two days when I left my office satisfied with what I’d accomplished.  Two days in twenty years.  That sucks.  I’ve pushed myself hard regardless of my personal situation, the policies of the president, or the state of the economy.”

Though all of the above still concern me, I realize that my inner peace has nothing to do with any of that.  As they say, we can’t control what happens to us but we can control our reaction to it.

During the past two weeks I’ve been authentic.  I’ve relaxed and enjoyed conversations with friends.  I’ve been more productive at work because the boogeyman of “never enough” has left the building.  Today I’m exactly as happy as I seem.

I must also mention that for many years my father has been a gem.  He’s always upbeat, considers each day a bonus, and says “thank you” whenever I call or visit.  He uses many medications, but not the drug of blame.  Despite inevitable physical decline, Dad seems far happier than he was at the youthful age of ninety.

Today is a great day.  My inner peace no longer hides behind a cloud.  So now I’m free to focus on world peace.  Your suggestions are welcome.

Alan