Alan C. Fox

The party is over and most of our guests have gone.  Frank Sinatra is singing in the next room where Sprite is laughing with her sisters.  I am happy.

The food, the flowers, the cake have vanished.  Empty tables and chairs wait to be retrieved by the rental company. In the morning Sprite and I will fly to Hawaii.

Earlier, at the ceremony, Sprite was so touched by the smiling faces of all of our friends and family assembled to wish us well that she had asked for a Kleenex before she walked into the garden.

The words offered by our friend Jack were humorous, hopeful, and struck a chord of harmony in everyone present.

At Sprite’s invitation, I had pre-recorded our favorite song, “My Romance,” and to everyone’s surprise (including my own) I sang it to her at the ceremony.

While the morning had been gray and drizzly, the sun came out just as we were saying our vows. When Jack asked me I said, “Absolutely,” I felt the usual groom’s reply wasn’t definite enough, although I added “I do,” to be sure. Sprite liked my “Absolutely,” and used it herself, and also “I do.”  That’s how we are together.

The guests are what make a party great, and great this party was.  A wedding is the perfect place for smiles, hugs, and shared remembrances, for these are the glue which brings and binds us together.

Later we will all share our photos.  But each of us has already carried away our love, our hopes, and our memories. Those we will carry in our hearts forever.

Alan

Chapter three in my book People Tools for Business is entitled, “Advertise Your Mistakes.”

On the internationally televised Miss Universe program a little more than a year ago Steve Harvey made a mistake – a big one.  He misread the notes handed to him and named the wrong contestant as the winner.

The new “Miss Universe” was overjoyed. She was crowned, consoled the runner up, and the audience cheered.  Steve Harvey left the stage.  A minute later he returned, motioned to the audience to stop their applause, and admitted to everyone that he had made a mistake.  The runner up was actually the winner.

Oops. Huge mistake.  Millions of viewers were watching. Maybe Steve was tempted, as many of us might have been, to run out of the auditorium and disappear.  But, to his credit, he returned and ‘fessed’ up.

Steve, the consummate comedian, even took his mistake one step further.  He sent out Christmas Cards with a photo of him holding his hands up with a “V”.  His greeting was, “Happy Easter.”

Last week I made a mistake.  In my blog entitled, “Give a Reason,” I referred to a study I had read years ago. I wrote, “The study concluded that you have more success achieving your goals with people if you give them a reason for what you are doing.”

It turns out that my statement was wrong.  Fortunately, one of my readers is a respected researcher in the field and he contacted me about my error.  He wrote:

Thought I might pass along that the real message to Ellen Langer’s photocopy study to which you refer is not that giving a valid reason leads to greater compliance—but rather that using the trigger word “because” does so.  Saying “Can I use the copy machine BECAUSE I need to make some copies” (a vacuous reason provided after the trigger word) actually leads to as many people letting the requester cut ahead as when the reason is meaningful (“BECAUSE I’m in a hurry”) but having no trigger word (“Can I use the copy machine. I have five copies.”) led to only around half complying.

I’m advertising the mistake I made in last week’s blog for the following reasons.

1. I’m practicing what I preach.
2. I want to provide accurate information to you, not misinformation.
3. I’m alerting all of us not to believe everything we read.
4. I’m reminding myself and you to recognize our limitations and be careful in passing along information that we believe to be accurate without verifying.

Beyond this, it’s important for each of us to recognize who we really are – our strengths, our weaknesses, our special insights, and our blind spots.  That’s the only way we can fully live our unique lives.

And we all need to trust each other.  Admitting (or, even better, advertising) our mistakes is essential to establishing and maintaining trust.

Alan

I think of myself as an independent person and I don’t like anyone to question my actions. This is one of the reasons I began my own business fifty years ago. If I leave the office at 4:00 pm, I don’t want to explain myself or have someone ask, “Where are you going?” or “Why are you leaving early?”

But sometimes I carry my need for independence to an extreme and this can be self-defeating.  With experience, I’ve come to realize that it can often be a mistake not to explain myself.

I read a study years ago, but only recently appreciated that it applies to me.

The study concluded that you have more success achieving your goals with people if you give them a reason for what you are doing. If you want to cut in line to use the copy machine and say to others in front of you, “I need to use the copy machine,” you will succeed less than half of the time.  But, if you simply add a reason, even a reason like, “I’m in a hurry,” people will let you cut in line more than eighty percent of the time

To me, that’s strange.  “I’m in a hurry” doesn’t add anything.  Of course you’re in a hurry, it’s self-evident.  That’s why you asked in the first place.  But as someone who has gone through life only occasionally giving an explanation for my actions, I think the study is right. So, whenever I can, I now provide an explanation. I suggest you consider doing the same — it isn’t very difficult and can definitely help others to cooperate.

Think about it.  If I write, “I’m finished writing this blog” without a reason you might feel unsatisfied or deserted.  If I simply add, “I’m tired,” or “my feet hurt,” you would more likely think, “Okay.”

I’m finished writing this blog now because I’m hungry and dinner is ready.

Alan