Alan C. Fox

Some of us know our mission in life at an early age.  Some of us never know. But if we let ourselves really think about it most of us would realize, in our bellies or in our brains, what we’re meant to do in this life.

Sprite knew at an early age that she was sent to help others.  When she was a freshman in college she worked two or three jobs to earn the money to put herself through school.  She also found time to volunteer at the Minneapolis Crisis Nursery.

The Crisis Nursery is for parents who are in the midst of a crisis and who need to bring their young children to a temporary place of safety.

On one particular day a two-year-old boy was dropped off. He was crying.  The boy was assigned to Sprite, who was asked to help him fall asleep. Sprite was eighteen.  She had never put a toddler to sleep before.  She felt totally unprepared, but let her instincts take over.

Sprite told the little boy a story to calm him.  Then she lay down with him on a cot, held him to her chest, and gently patted his back.  Soon he was asleep.

We’ll never know where the boy came from, or what his life was like after he left the center.  We do know this small slice of his two-year-old life for the few hours while he slept in Sprite’s arms.  And we know something more.

“When he fell asleep in my arms,” Sprite told me, “I knew I had fulfilled my mission.  I had helped another human being and it was all right for me to die.”  As an adult Sprite recognizes that her thought may have been a bit melodramatic, but it was real for her at the time.

My father is almost one-hundred and two years old.  I was with him yesterday at an exhibition at the Laguna Art Museum.  “When people ask me what I do each day,” he said, jokingly, “I tell them that I loaf.”  That’s not quite true.  My dad is thinking all of the time.

Most of us are busy all of the time.  Perhaps we feel that we need to call one more friend, send one more text, or finish just one more project for the day.  Perhaps we are just fending off boredom or unconsciously holding at bay a sense of being useless or unneeded.  Perhaps we need to work two jobs.

But maybe, like my dad, we should allow ourselves the freedom to loaf a bit.  Maybe, like Sprite, we should dedicate ourselves to helping others.

When my first daughter was four she asked, “Why are we here?”

Then she answered her own question.  “I know. To use the earth.”

I’ve thought about this for years, and I have never found a better answer except, perhaps, the answer that Sprite discovered, and lives – to help others.

You might think about what you really want to accomplish in your life. What do you have a deep need to do?  What is your own internal need, rather than the role that has been thrust upon you either by circumstances or by others? I encourage you to live your destiny:  When you do, nothing will stop you.

I was in the audience when a good friend delivered his high school commencement speech.  A woman sitting near me pointed to the speaker and muttered to her companion, “Rabble rouser.  Dangerous.”

Maybe my role is to be a rabble rouser, to get you to think about your life and encourage you to live it to the fullest so that when the time inexorably comes you can say to yourself, with a full heart, “I have fulfilled my mission and now I can die.”

Peace.

Alan

Last night Sprite fell asleep in my arms snuggling against my chest.  I felt and heard her soft breath.  The awareness that accompanies awakeness had disappeared.

This morning at breakfast I was reading the newspaper. Sprite said she likes to watch me when I’m concentrating.  In those moments she sees the pure me, the innocent me, and feels loving, just as I did when she fell asleep last night.

Like all actors, we put on a show when we think others are watching us.  We clean ourselves up and poke that piece of spinach off of our front teeth.  We present the person we want others to see.

How different are you when you know others are watching?  Do you pull in your tummy or stand a little taller?  Do you check your makeup or comb your hair?  Do you put a smile or a frown on your face?  I always smile when I walk into my office because I don’t want everyone to spend the day talking about why I wasn’t in a good mood.  I used to frown when my wife was watching and I wanted her to know how upset I was with her.

Does putting on this show serve us well?

Sometimes yes.  As I’ve previously mentioned, current research says that when you put a smile on your face you feel better.  In many cases, the makeup or the clothes do make the woman, or the man.  We feel more confident, act more self-assured, and as a result our lives and relationships improve.

And sometimes no.  Everything we do – every activity, every relationship, and every moment – has a cost.  When I distance myself from my true appearance or my actual feelings I deprive you, and me, of my truth. In living a life of partial deceit, I am never fully comfortable with my real self.

So it comes down to this: when we’re not putting on a show for the rest of the world, who are we?  What is our truth?  Even if our truth is not so attractive, isn’t your life, or mine, more meaningful, satisfying and worthwhile when we are willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and our humanness, flaws and all, to shine through?

I know one thing for sure.  When I’m not putting on a show for others I’m more relaxed.  I don’t have to monitor myself or worry about their reactions. I can enjoy spending time with someone who feels connected – even when she is just watching me read the morning newspaper.

So exactly who are you when no one is looking?  Are you yourself, or a celluloid stand in?  Which do you want to be?

There is one more question you might consider:

Who are you when you are not looking at yourself?

Alan

When they work properly, electronics are great.  I love to sit at my desk, read incoming texts and emails, then file my reply in a folder. I love to stay in touch with friends and family on my iPhone.  I also like to check sports scores, the weather, and hear that friendly voice on Google Maps tell me where to go.

But I’m a fair weather friend to my electronics. When my iPhone drops a call, or when my laptop loses a document, I feel like stomping on them and demanding a full refund.  On a recent business visit to Kansas City my Google Maps application wasn’t working. I didn’t have a printed map (does anyone use those anymore?), and so I got thoroughly lost.

When my electronic gadgets don’t work the only thing I can do is ask the nearest teenager for help.  Unfortunately, In Kansas City I was with my dad who knows even less about electronics than I do.

But this blog is not really about iPhones and laptops.  It’s about human relationships.  A better title might be “Don’t Slam Your Friends Around.”  In this age of social media and constant connectivity, we often pay closer attention to our gadgets than to our friends.

I follow one basic rule:  I pay the most attention to those people who are important to me, and I don’t spend emotional energy on things, even expensive things, like electronics or cars.  Things can be repaired or replaced.  People cannot.

Exactly how do I make sure the people who matter most to me get the special attention they deserve?

1. I listen to them. Not with an iPhone clamped to one ear.  When you are talking to me you deserve my full attention.
2. I contact them regularly. I like to see my business associates almost every working day.  I spend time with my family and friends as often as is comfortable for both of us.
3. I care about whatever is important to them. If your sister is sick, I care. If you’re afraid of losing your job, I care.  If you have a life plan which excites you, I’m on board and want to help you reach your goal.

Of course, it’s important not to slam yourself around either.  When you care about yourself you can be gentle and encouraging, pat yourself on the back, and let the criticism come, if it must come at all, from somewhere else.

So maybe I should change the title of this blog after all.  Slam your computer around if you like.  But, treat the people who matter to you with as much care and attention as you can. And make sure to include yourself. As they say, keep your friends close and yourself even closer.

Alan