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Alan C. Fox

The Business (and Pleasure) of Living Well

by Alan C. Fox 1 Comment

LivingWell-Yellow-PeopleToolsRunning your life is very much like running a business, and this blog contains ideas and stories from my own life to help you do exactly that—to live your life well.

When I was very young I knew that I was supposed to be a writer.  I’m now seventy-six, and have taken a long detour to finally become who I’m supposed to be.  Geoffrey Chaucer observed more than six hundred years ago that the craft of life takes long to learn, and Emily Dickinson added, more than four hundred years later, each day our life is lit, a little at a time.

At work, at home, or in the company of friends, we might play different roles, but our essential qualities endure.

By observing your own “belt buckle” (People Tool Number 6 in the original book People Tools) your actions will reveal who you are and if you remain open the true essence of your nature will emerge.

I began my business life as a math tutor one evening when my high school debating partner had something better to do and asked me to take his place.  I loved the money, twice the minimum wage at the time, and came to love the teaching.

Even then I realized I loved helping others and that there are three concentric circles of influence.  First, my family and friends.  We see each other often and influence each other greatly.  Second, those I mentor.  We see each other less frequently and for shorter periods of time (until we become friends).  Our influence on each other is less, but still considerable.  Third, those who know me through my writing. My influence as a writer may be diluted by time and distance, but it is focused and circulated more widely, potentially for many years.

I was delighted when a former employee, Rina, re- introduced herself to me at the end of a book signing for my first People Tools book.

“Remember me?  I was your legal secretary when I was nineteen years old.”

I did.  I recognized her smile.

“I remember,” she said, “that whenever I came in late you would tap your watch and say, ‘You’re one minute late,’ or Alan-BusinessofLivingWell-April2016‘You’re two minutes late.’”

“I did?”

“Yes.  But you also complimented me when I was on time.”

“Thank goodness.  I hope I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I wouldn’t criticize you today for being late.”

“Today I would be on time.  I was nineteen then.  You taught me a lot.  I didn’t appreciate most of it until I was older.”

We chatted.  I reflected on what Rina had shared, that she and I are both very different people from who we were forty years ago.

Today in my life I seldom feel the need to tap my watch or to blame.  I don’t criticize people for being late.  I just recognize that we each have difficulties and differences.  I now feel more compassion, including compassion for myself. This entire blog is essentially about compassion.

And my goal every week is to help you through the challenges of your life, so you can realize your full potential and climb as far as you possibly can.

Alan

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A Few Things I’ve Learned

Solitude-PeopleTools-March2016I began writing People Tools many years ago so I could share with others the behavioral insights that have helped me to achieve my goals and to live my dreams. Three books and hundreds of blog posts later, I still ask myself a question you too may occasionally ask yourself.

“How do I know which is the best tool to use in a given situation?”

The simple answer is, I don’t always know. I still have to experiment.

It has been my hope that you and every one of my readers will use people tools to live happier and more fulfilling lives; to see doors where you once saw only walls, or experience the comfort of structure where you previously may have felt vulnerable and exposed. I hope that you have benefited from my experiences – both my successes and my own mistakes.

So what have I learned over the past few years since I began writing the books and my blog?

  1. Writing books and maintaining a weekly blog is a lot of work. It’s very rewarding, but it isn’t always fun.
  2. People tools pervade my life. They help me navigate through my business and personal life with honesty and self-awareness.
  3. Human possibilities are virtually limitless. I am constantly amazed and delighted by the insight, ingenuity and resourcefulness of the people around me.
  4. Sometimes the opposite can be more effective than the customary and it takes courage, sometimes great courage, to be different. I have found that being courageous is worth it.
  5. I don’t know all the answers. I don’t even know some of the most important questions. But I continue to be willing to learn –and to be taught.

Three hermits lived together in a cave. One day a palomino horse ran by. Two years later the first hermit said, “Sure was share-Your-Story-PeopleToolsa pretty white horse.” Three years after that the second hermit said, “Twasn’t white. ‘Twas golden.” Five years passed before the third hermit chimed in.  “If you two are going to talk so much, I’m leaving.”

Though it might feel at times as if you’re isolated in your life (and isolation may indeed be an inseparable part of the human condition), rest assured that we’re all in this together. I invite you to share your experiences with me and with each other. Talk to your friends. Get in touch and let me know what has and hasn’t worked for you in your life and what helpful tools you’ve discovered along the way.

The Road we travel together in our lifetimes is fraught with unforeseen difficulties and obstacles, and at the same time filled with promise and protection. And it helps when we stay close to ourselves and each other, and openly share our stories.

Alan

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When Honesty and Kindness Collide

honesty-kindness-peopletools“Honey, do you like this dress?”

Danger!  Danger!  Rocky passage ahead!

For many reasons one of my strongest values is honesty, both in myself and others.

For many of the same reasons another of my strongest values is kindness, also in myself and others.

But what happens when these two ideals collide?

Any one of the following reactions to the question above might be entirely honest.  I wouldn’t hesitate to immediately use either one of the first two.  As for the rest, what do you think?

“That dress is gorgeous.  An absolute ten.  You’re the belle of my ball.”

“Very nice. Blue is definitely your color.”

“Hasn’t that dress been hanging in your closet for three or four years?  It might be past its prime.”

“If I were you I’d take it off.  Please.”

“It might be nice if it still fit you.”

“Ugly.  I’ve always thought you found that dress on sale at a thrift shop.”

My temptation, and I hope yours, would be to respond with kind, rather than brutal, honesty.  Often the tricky question is how to mix the two.

A simple solution is always best, and two principles come into play.  First, lead with a positive statement.  Second, soften any (honest) negative.

“Darling, I’m glad you asked.  I like the style, but that shade of cobalt isn’t my favorite.”

“Honey, you look beautiful in any dress.  But I think the red outfit suits you a little bit better.”

Or just be vulnerable.  Admit your predicament.True-kind-buddha-peopletools

“Fashion isn’t my expertise, and I don’t want to offend you in any way.  I’m an accountant. Ask me ‘What’s two plus two.’”

“As you know, I’m sometimes not very diplomatic, but I’m happy to be seen with you no matter what.”

In our society we value honesty and directness.  I suggest, however, that when you cannot locate the channel between honesty and kindness you come down on the side of nurturing your relationship.  You might recognize that the actual question behind the words, “Honey, do you like this dress,” is really, “Honey, I’m a little insecure right now.  Do you love me?”  And the clear, kind, and authentic reply to the underlying question is simply this:

“Darling, I don’t have a helpful opinion about the dress, but I want you to know that, to me you’re beautiful, I’m happy to go anywhere with you, and I’m even happier to come home with you every night.  I love you.”

Alan

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