People ToolsA Blog By Alan C. Fox
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Alan C. FoxAuthor. Entrepreneur. Game-changer.
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Positive Words, Positive Thoughts for the New Year

by Alan C. Fox 4 Comments

NewYear-PeopleTools-2016-1It’s time to start thinking about an even better year in 2016.  One of my most productive habits is to think positively.  Being positive includes using positive words.

For example, I have always told my children “you get to go to school today,” rather than “you have to go to school today.” When I was practicing law if I told a client the structure they proposed for a transaction wouldn’t work, I always followed with, “and here is how you can accomplish what you want to do.”

We all make prophecies, if only to ourselves.  Those prophecies tend to be self-fulfilling.  We often say to ourselves, “I’m not good at interviews so I probably won’t get the job,” or “She’s so attractive that I don’t think she would ever go out with me.”  My success is greater when I tell myself, “I’m improving at interviews, practicing every day, and I will get the job.”  Or, “She is super attractive and other guys are probably scared to ask her out.  I have a great sense of humor and I’ll bet she would be thrilled to have dinner with me.”

When I’m talking to others I pay close attention to the words I use.  I never say, “I won’t leave to pick you up until I’m sure you’re ready to go.”  That’s negative and feels like an accusation.  Instead I say, “I’ll be happy to pick you up as soon as you’re ready.”  This is the identical message, but with a far more positive tone.  Listen to yourself when you talk.  Be sure you are delivering your content in a positive way.

In negotiating I often say, “I’ll be pleased to respond to your offer as soon as I receive your financial statements,” rather PositiveYear-PeopleToolsthan, “I won’t respond to your offer until I receive your financial statements.”  Again, the same content but delivered in an encouraging way.  I want everyone on the other side of a negotiation to warm up to me and want to do business with me. The words, “I will,” are far more effective than, “I won’t,” in getting others to root for my success.

I used to ask my friend Harry to go to football games with me, but his initial answer was always, “I don’t know.  I think I may have to work that day.”  Even though, in the end, Harry often joined me, I became tired of chasing him and waiting for an answer.  My new friend Trevor says, “Thanks for asking.  I’d be delighted to join you.”  Now I always ask Trevor first.

A few weeks from now, when you make your New Year’s resolutions, stick with “I will” rather than “I won’t.”  Tell yourself, ‘I will be positive,” rather than “I won’t be negative.”  Also, you might decide that your bias in the New Year will be to say “yes.” Shonda Rhimes wrote a book on this – Year of Yes.  It worked for her.  It will work for you.

Have a great new year.

Alan

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Grab My Attention – It’s up to You

by Alan C. Fox 2 Comments

attention-seeker-peopletoolsMy friend David has directed many plays in many theaters.  I sat next to him one day at The Whitefire Theater in Sherman Oaks, California, while he auditioned actors for his next production.  One aspiring actor after another took the stage to perform.

Shortly after the second actor began to audition, David turned to me and resumed our conversation.  I was uncomfortable because we were both ignoring the actor, but I was a guest and, as such, followed his lead.

But when David turned to talk to me during the performance by the third actor, then the fourth, I felt compelled to say something.

“David, these actors are auditioning for a job.  Shouldn’t we at least listen to them?”

“Alan,” he said, “I want actors who will hold the attention of the audience.”  David had won several acting awards earlier in his career, and presumably knew what he was talking about.  “I want an actor who carries a sense of danger, so I don’t know what he or she might do next.”

“But we’re not being very polite.”  I hate rejection and was identifying with the actors, not the director.

“If an actor doesn’t hold my attention,” he said, “they don’t belong in my play.”

When the fourth actor finished his piece David turned to dismiss him with a curt, “Thanks.  We’ll let you know.”  I was uncomfortable because it seemed to me the actor was, understandably, disappointed.  I was thankful that, although I acted in a few plays in high school, I wasn’t very good and was never tempted to become an actor.  In retrospect I would have hated the ordeal of auditioning three or four times a day, being repeatedly rejected, and even if I was selected, in a day or a month I would be back on the street, auditioning again.  Ugh!

That audition was many years ago, but I have carried with me from that day to this two ideas. One is that it is up to the actor heart-walk-peopletoolsto grab my attention. I agree with my director friend on that point.  I don’t, however, agree with his treatment of the individuals auditioning for him.

We are all on stage for each other at many different times in our lives and I believe we have an obligation to be compassionate. Even when the one auditioning (or applying for a job or trying to sell me an insurance policy) might not have grabbed my attention, I owe him or her the polite consideration of my notice for a brief moment of time. And if they don’t succeed in grabbing my attention, I can let them know as directly and kindly as possible. It might be my turn on stage next time.

So while you will still need to get my attention to get the part. I will treat you respectfully even if you don’t.  It might still be up to you to grab my attention, but it’s up to me to be kind.

Alan

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The Light Bulb Has to Want to Change

by Alan C. Fox 0 Comments

openheart-peopletools-1This morning I received a letter from an enthusiastic reader of my first book, People Tools, published in 2014.  I wrote that book, and the two that followed, to share my thoughts on how you can improve your relationships.

The letter said, in part:

“After reading the strategy ‘Socrates-Know Thyself’, Jen realized that although she had been feeling that she should accept the offer she received to go to college at Berkeley, she felt in her heart that she was meant to go to UCLA and ultimately made the decision to accept their offer instead.  She wrote to [my daughter] Erika in October saying that it was the best decision she ever made and thanked her for giving her family the book that helped change her life.

“Erika also gave a copy of People Tools to her boss, Debi, who owns and runs an upscale beauty salon. . . Debi read the book and loved it so much, particularly the ‘Catch Them Being Good’ strategy which she says she uses daily at work with her stylists and at home with her husband (who is undergoing treatment for a brain tumor) and young kids and is seeing fantastic results, that she decided to put the book in the back room of her salon for employees to read during their breaks.  Erica says that Debi’s copy of ‘People Tools” is now very dog-eared and a bit tattered because the employees have been reading it so much, they have had great discussions on the various tools, and have all benefitted from the resulting exchange of deep concepts and ideas.”

I am not sharing this letter with you so you can read a compliment from a fan of People Tools.  I am sharing it because, upon reflection, I realize that the best I can do for you, and for myself, is to share.  I cannot force anyone to buy my book, or to read it, or to find anything useful in it. As the joke says, “The light bulb has to want to change.”

No two of us have identical style, habits, or values.  We may be neat or messy.  Some of us live to eat, others eat to live.  Our highest value in life may be to accumulate wealth.  It may be to raise happy children, or to immerse ourselves in sports, or simply to be heard or to be loved.

Today my highest value, other than being healthy (if that doesn’t involve TOO much exercise), is to share my ideas and myself with others, both through writing and in person.  I want to feel that I am helpful.

IMG_1314In every relationship there are differences.  Your partner, your parents, and your friends, are not clones of you.  When you fail to get everything you want in a relationship, what is your best solution? Can you pester and nag someone into submission?  As one of my daughters says with sarcasm, “Yeah.  That’ll work.”

You can’t change someone else’s eating habits or force them to tear themselves away from their electronic devices.  I’ve been there, done that, with limited success. So what can you (we) do?

This evening I saw a performance of “Beauty and the Beast,” in which the Beast is advised at the end to speak from his heart, which he does.  Ultimately that is the best any of us can do. Tell your friends you love them.  Mentor people who are starting out, not by criticizing their ignorance, but by sharing your own accumulated experience and wisdom.  Put your fear on hold as much as you can, and speak from your heart.

You can do this.  As soon as you are ready.

Alan

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