Alan Fox

I know a few people who seem to think that they are seldom, if ever, responsible for anything bad that happens to them.  You probably know a few people like that as well.

These folks always believe they are a victim and see themselves as entirely blameless. If they lose a job — it’s the fault of the boss. If they miss a shot in basketball they blame a teammate’s bad pass. When they are involved in an auto accident they promptly point their finger at the other driver.

The problem with someone who believes they are a victim is that they can never make any change needed to improve their lives. And so, they doom themselves to a life of repeated loss.

When I was in law school, one of my professors said to our class, “I don’t want to knock the rich. I want to be one of them!”

That was more than fifty years ago but I have seen the wisdom in his words. Those who want to spend their time knocking others miss many opportunities they might instead create for themselves.

More than ten years ago, when I began writing this blog, I sent an email to everyone I knew, inviting them to subscribe. Most did. A few didn’t. But two formerly close friends replied with hostility.

Why?

I don’t know, but they certainly burned a bridge. Any future opportunities that might have resulted from our friendship disappeared.  I still occasionally wonder why they had become so bitter. And I can’t imagine what they thought they would gain from blaming me for their unhappiness, without even discussing it with me.

Why not try to stay on good terms with others, rather than blaming them?  Last Saturday afternoon Daveen and I enjoyed lunch with another couple we’ve known ever since I was an undergraduate at USC more than sixty years ago. Long-standing relationships like this are a treasure, but they can’t happen when one party sees themselves as the victim.

Can we each improve our lives?  Of course.  But first we need to hold ourselves accountable for our own actions. Only when we recognize our own responsibility can we learn from our missteps. Simply put, we maximize our chances of success when we take responsibility for our own lives.

Besides that, being a victim really isn’t much fun.

Alan

Today I’m celebrating – well actually, more just noticing – my birthday.

I’ve asked those who might give me a gift to please refrain. Daveen is Spring cleaning and giving our possessions away, and I think I already have everything I need.  That’s a definite change from my tenth birthday when I wanted toys and instead received a scratchy wool sweater from my parents. I wore it exactly once.

Years ago, when my children were growing up, I decided to say “yes” to any of their requests, unless I had a good reason not to.  As many of you know, over the years “yes” has permeated both my personal and business life.

Years ago I read a story in the Wall Street Journal about bureaucracy in government. While I don’t remember the full details, I recall that a married couple in India met with a government representative at the airport to get the necessary documentation to travel abroad.  Realizing this might take time, they arrived four hours early.  Three and one-half hours later they told the representative that what they needed required his immediate attention because their plane was about to depart.  His response?

“Whatever you want, that’s what I won’t give you.”

That has not been my experience. I find government employees in the US are almost always helpful, and sometimes offer excellent suggestions.  Of course, a few don’t.  But all of us prefer, and sometimes need, a “yes.”

Even if we don’t think about it consciously, we all have a bias – “yes,” “no,” or “I need more information” are typical responses. I know there are people who always start with a no, then might backtrack to yes. I find it more constructive, and more fun, to start with yes.

As my birthday gift to the world, I suggest that we all invoke the tremendous power of “yes” in our lives.  Everyone you know will be happier, and you will feel great about the “yesses” you give to them.  You will feel even better when you say “yes” more often to yourself.

Don’t you think that’s a wonderful idea?

(Fill in your answer here ___.  A hint.  It’s one word with three letters.  Second hint.  The word starts with a “Y”.)

Happy Alan’s birthday to all.

Alan

As my regular readers probably know, I believe in the adage, “Expect the best, plan for the worst.”  To that I’ll add the central idea of a song written in 1899, Keep on the Sunny Side, because I always try to find reasons to enjoy the sunny side of any situation.  If I decide to do it, I can also decide to enjoy it.

To those who would ask, “Why?”, I would reply, “Why not?  The sunny side of the street is brighter, warmer, and just more fun.”

When I was younger my wife and I frequently made plans to dine out with other couples.  On more than one Saturday afternoon I’d find myself in a sour mood – dreading the dinner engagement.  But it was, and is, more important to me to honor my commitments rather than my mood.  So, I always attended the dinner.  Lo and behold – in almost every case I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation and companionship and was in a much happier frame of mind by the end of the evening.

For years I’ve practiced the practical art of finding the positives in any situation. Right now, I’m enjoying the process of writing – first the opportunity to reflect on some aspect of my life, then the process of trying to describe it effectively. I pay attention to my word choice and even find pleasure in physically typing out the first draft on my computer keyboard. I even enjoy the editing process, trying to put the right words into the right order.  Many years ago, a writer/director friend shared a piece of writing advice with me that is often attributed to Faulkner but might have originated even earlier.  “Kill your babies,” he said.  In other words, proceed objectively and without sentiment and if a word or some part of the writing is unnecessary, be ruthless in cutting it out – even if it is your favorite part (i.e. your baby).

I think that The Sunny Side of the Street can be applied to any activity. It’s unnecessary to dwell on the negative. You can always focus on what you enjoy.  Another set of lyrics is now running through my mind, “You got to Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive; E-lim-i-nate the negative; And latch on to the affirmative; Don’t mess with Mr. in-between.

I think that songs, with their catchy melodies, say it better than I can.  You might do an internet search for either one of the songs above and take a listen. They might brighten your day!

Next week I’ll celebrate my 84^th birthday.

I’m looking forward to a great year.

Alan