Alan Fox

A habit is first a cobweb, then a cord, and finally a cable.

I’ve written about changing habits before, but, for me, one of the best examples of how someone can successfully change an existing habit is illustrated by my evolving patterns around food.

When I was growing up, my mother would begin to cook dinner when I arrived home from school.  I would keep her company, snacking for two hours on a treat I prepared for myself. In effect, I ate two dinners every afternoon.

This morning I mused about those afternoons with Mom, as I fried my single egg and placed one slice of bread into the toaster.  I remembered that when I was seven my usual breakfast was four eggs, four slices of toast, and half a package of bacon.  That’s a lot of breakfast for a seven-year-old.  No wonder my weight from the age of fifteen until about ten years ago was never below two hundred pounds, topping out at 278 in my fifties.

I don’t need to dwell on the reasons.  That fact was that I generally stuffed myself with as much food as I could possibly manage.

But today I weigh in at 190 and have maintained that weight consistently. I eat a reasonable breakfast of about two hundred calories, compared to a thousand calories when I was forming my eating habits.

So, after seventy years, how did I successfully disconnect from the cable of consumption?

Ten years ago, one of my sons mentioned a friend of his who had lost 60 pounds by working with a nutritionist.  I contacted the nutritionist, and we collaborated for more than a year. She taught me how to develop new, healthier habits around food.

For example, one of her tips for lunch was to eat just one open-faced sandwich, half at noon and the other half in mid-afternoon.  And no chips.  She consistently told me that I could eat anything I wanted – even chocolate cake.  But no more than two bites.  (Yesterday evening I filched just two of my wife’s French fries, then stopped.)

Can we change habits? Of course.  But we usually need a strong motivation, such as better health.  Advice from a professional can also be useful, as well as support from family and friends.

If you have a habit you’d like to change, I suggest you begin to weave a brand-new cobweb.

Alan

I have added them all up, and I can now reliably report that each of us makes exactly a zillion decisions, both great and small, every day.

What time shall I get out of bed?  What shall I have for breakfast?  Shall I refuel the car?  Those are some of the small decisions we might make.

Shall I accept an offer of marriage?  Should I move across the country for a new job?  Do I want to go back to school to learn a new profession?  These are a few of the larger decisions we might face in our lives.

You can easily reverse the small decisions.  I can walk out of the theater if I’m not enjoying the movie. I can pour myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast if the family has already finished the eggs.  I can leave work early if I am needed at home.  It’s not super important to get these decisions right the first time, because you can modify them easily.

It’s important, however, to get the big decisions right the first time.  A divorce is emotionally and financially draining. Moving back to where you lived before a cross-country job opportunity might be challenging – or impossible. Finding a profession that you love often involves a certain amount of luck – along with a series of well-played decisions.

So how do you deal with the difficult decisions, especially those that can be life-changing and that you need to wrestle with in your own mind?

A friend of mine once suggested a technique I find useful. I simply make a decision, but I don’t tell anyone.  I let myself experience how the decision feels.  If I’m flooded with pleasure, I proceed with that choice.  But if, after deciding, I feel like I’d have regrets, then I can change my mind.

The important factor is to decide, not dither.

Of course, another choice is simply not to decide, but that is a decision as well.

I seldom agonize before I make a decision, but occasionally I need to remind myself that my powers of prediction are limited, and I can never know for sure, even with the benefit of hindsight, if the decision I made was the best one.

In the fourth grade my teacher had a little red book on the corner of her desk with all the correct answers to the math problems.

As an adult, I can’t always be certain that I’m asking the right questions.

Alan

When I was a student at USC our major crosstown rival was UCLA. During the week before the annual UCLA-USC football game the two schools often played pranks on each other.

I remember one in particular. USC somehow managed to hijack the entire print edition of the UCLA campus newspaper, The Daily Bruin, and substitute an issue filled with fabricated articles. The lead story was a fictional interview with the UCLA Chancellor, who was quoted as saying, “I don’t know how we can possibly beat USC this year.  They’re too good.”  Also, “Our campus is so large you never meet anyone for a second time, and you’re lucky if you meet them in the first place.”

That’s exactly how I feel about Daveen – I’m lucky to have met her in the first place. And, I’m very grateful for the fortuitous turns in my life that led to such a happy outcome.  Here’s how it happened.

When I was in my twenties I decided, for the first and only time in my life, to volunteer as a judge at the California High School National Forensic League State Tournament. I judged the final round of oratory and was impressed by Glen, who won the event and qualified for the National tournament in Washington, D.C. As a gesture of support, I offered to help Glen pay for his trip.

Several months later, through Glen, I met Jim, who was working on a novel and needed to earn some money while finishing his manuscript. I hired Jim as a “secret shopper” for the apartment buildings I was managing at the time.  We have been close friends ever since.

Years later, Jim began to collect rare books, which piqued my interest, so I started to buy rare books as well.

One day at the Heritage Book Shop I noticed Daveen out of the corner of my eye.  She was their bookkeeper.  I discretely waited until both Heritage partners were out of town before I asked her to lunch.

Three and a half years later we were married.

Other than family, we meet the most important people in our lives – great teachers, close friends, or spouses – entirely by chance.  And as the UCLA Chancellor said (or didn’t say) I was lucky to have met Daveen in the first place, especially since she graduated from UCLA and I graduated from USC.

More than forty years later I still consider myself fortunate to be sharing my days and nights with her.

Alan

P.S.  UCLA retaliated for the hijacked Daily Bruin by dumping a helicopter load of cow s*** on top of the revered Tommy Trojan statue at the center of the USC campus.  I don’t recall which team won the football game that year.