Alan Fox

I’ve always been obsessed with the idea of efficiency.  For example, whenever I walked anywhere I always took the shortest route I could.  Maybe I was just physically lazy. But now I’ve replaced that habit.

Last year, after I had surgery on my spine, my son, an MD, strongly recommended that I walk briskly for 20 to 30 minutes every day.  “Dad,” he warned, “at your age you have to exercise a least six days a week.”  Ugh.

I felt intimidated.  For most of my life I’ve held the belief that the shortest distance between two points is simply to sit in one place.  After all, I’m going to end up where I started anyway, so why not just stay where I am, or at least combine trips, or, better yet, persuade myself that I really don’t need what I thought I did anyway.

But in deference to my son, and in the interest of good health, I reluctantly began to walk 3,000 steps a day. Before last year, I hadn’t even realized that my iPhone kept track of every step I took.  In 2018 I averaged 2,635 steps a day.  In 2019 my average was 2,229 steps even though, after my surgery, I hardly walked at all for three months.

But I’m delighted to share that in 2020 I’m up to 4,791 steps a day.  Now I make a game of it.  This month I reached a pinnacle of 7,000 steps a day.  That’s about the maximum I can regularly sustain, but I’m optimistic that I will because I feel more energetic than I have in years.

To achieve this goal I’ve developed an entirely new mindset, discarding my tendency towards “efficiency” in favor of “effectiveness.”

Tonight I was waiting for Daveen to join me for dinner. She indicated that she would be ready in five minutes.  Two years ago I would have simply sat at the table.  But instead I took the opportunity to walk three laps (about 400 steps) around my house.  Now I look for opportunities to walk, rather than opportunities to sit.  And whenever I walk somewhere, I don’t take shortcuts because that’s no longer the point. Now I deliberately take “long cuts,” since the point is to gain more exercise.

That isn’t the only change I’ve applied in my life. Years ago my goal at work was to finish every project as quickly as I could. Today I work a little slower and the result is a lot better.

I know that eventually each of us will end up in the dustbin of history. But our lives take meaning from how we live in the moment. Accordingly, it seems that the shortest path to good health is to take a little longer, and the best way to accomplish a task is to work more deliberately.

This is why I now realize that longer is often shorter.

Enjoy your long, or short, week.

Alan

For those of us who live with another human being, especially when it’s 24/7, we need to think about the issue of conflict and compromise.  I believe I have a unique view on this that most couples would find helpful.

All of us have core issues – those personal needs we will not compromise. I think of these as “deal-breakers.”   Some of my core issues are:

1. No drinking to excess.
2. No physical or emotional violence.  In other words, “fight fair.”
3. Spending a certain amount of undivided time together almost every day.

I will not compromise any of my core values. From my perspective, core issues, once identified, are easy to deal with.  If my partner disagrees with mine, or I disagree with hers, then we’re not compatible as partners.  This may be easier said than done, but it should be both said, and done.

All other issues are preferences that can be negotiated.  You might be a vegan while I’m an omnivore.  You might prefer to eat dinner at 8:00 while I favor 5:30.  You might like to talk to many people on the phone every day while I communicate by email. I see no reason why I should even attempt to coerce you into changing your preferences.  To me that would be a fool’s errand and cause unnecessary conflict.

The best way to avoid conflict is to be as flexible as you can, and to accept your partner “as is.”  That’s easy to do when the flower of love first blooms.  It’s not so easy when the petals begin to drop from the rose.

After living for 80 years, I no longer believe that there is a “right” or “wrong” way to do anything.  There are just preferences.  I may be comfortable with clutter.  You might prefer to organize and label every box, can, and bottle in the pantry. Personally, I really like everything to be physically organized. I just don’t like to do it myself.  (I have learned over the years, however, that it’s best for everyone, including me, when I throw my own clothes in the hamper at the end of the day.)

One constructive piece of advice I offer to anyone in a relationship, is to actively try, when possible, to minimize conflict.  When you realize that differences are just inclinations, and not the end of the world, you become easier to live with and disputes tend to dissipate.

It is said that compromise is when both sides are unhappy with the result.  In politics that may be the way it has to be.  Just pass the legislation, or not, and move on.  But in my life why would I want to continually make compromises that I’m unhappy with or that become the source of unhappiness for my partner?  That’s why I favor cooperation, rather than compromise.  Let’s both be as flexible as we possibly can, and share compliments rather than criticism.  I’m thinking of the title of a book I read years ago, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and It’s All Small Stuff.

I enjoy being part of a couple.  I love caring and being cared for.  But I have to do my part first, and trust my partner to reciprocate.

I hope Daveen reads this and realizes how wonderful I am.

Alan

Transitions can be difficult.

Years ago, when I was studying in the Counselor Education program at USC, I learned that when we are hit by too many changes in a short period of time our health can suffer.

Some of the most stressful changes are marriage, divorce, birth, death, a new job, and moving. Because I know about the health consequences of too much stress, I do my best to never make more than one major life change in a twelve-month period.

Of course, many events we experience in life, such as the current Pandemic, are entirely beyond our control.

Today Daveen and I visited one of our sons and his family. All of us were seated outside, ten feet apart, and there was no touching.  In fact, Daveen is the only person I’ve touched in five months.  That is different.

Today, also for the first time in five months, Daveen and I enjoyed a “take-out” lunch together under a temporary awning erected by the restaurant. There were no other diners within fifteen feet of us.  We felt lucky to find a remote table where it was safe to enjoy brunch outside and we didn’t have to eat in our car.

The coronavirus requires not only a tremendous adjustment in the way we live, but also introduces a high level of uncertainty.  When will the economy recover?  What will work look like a year from now?  Will we ever be able to hug each other freely again?  No one knows. We can only guess.

The one emotion I can maintain, however, is my optimism.

Every day I appreciate the positive ways in which my life has changed for the better.  I am eating healthier than ever. Most evenings I eat a delicious salad for dinner.  I’m walking between six and seven thousand steps a day.  I work from home much more than before, and I’m grateful to be a part of a creative and dedicated team at my office.

A recent study I read about in Science Daily demonstrates that even when people know they have only taken a placebo, it still has a powerful effect. Subjects felt better despite knowing that their treatment wasn’t real. Think about that.  Where is your life if not in your head?

Of course, there are some patterns that we don’t change.  I still write my blog Sunday evening.  Most mornings I enjoy the same breakfast.  And I still prefer not to talk on the phone.

Keep safe for another week.

Alan