We all face challenges in life. When our friends encounter rough spots we support them. Several years ago many of my friends and family helped me enormously in dealing with an unexpected personal problem.
It is possible, however, that even with the best of intentions we inadvertently become part of the problem.
When you’re living through a major life change, has anyone ever said to you, “I know you must be very upset.”
That statement, intended as sympathetic, always disturbs me, especially when I am handling the problem to my satisfaction and trying to keep it out of my mind.
This may be a subtle point, but to me it’s important. I’ll elaborate.
Why automatically assume that a friend is upset? Maybe he or she is perfectly fine with the situation. Years ago my close friend John was fired from a position he held for a decade. When I joined him for dinner that evening I greeted John with, “Congratulations!”
He looked surprised. “What do you mean, ‘Congratulations’? Alan, I just lost my job.”
“John, you’ve complained about that job for ten years. You’ve been miserable, and you’re better off without it. I guarantee that six months from now you’ll be earning a better income and you’ll be a lot happier.”
Once John recovered from my surprising greeting we enjoyed a pleasant and positive dinner. He was happier when we walked out of the restaurant, and six months later John was thrilled with his new job.
Years ago a man I worked with complained regularly while we walked to the parking lot at the end of the day. I made suggestions, but he never accepted a single one.
After a year we were both completely frustrated. Finally, he said to me, “Alan, I don’t want your suggestions. I just want to complain.”
I was shocked. How could anybody not want my suggestions? But, of course, he was right. I was giving him something he didn’t want. Today, before offering a suggestion, I ask, “Do you want advice, or do you just want to complain?”
Now, when a friend faces a crisis, I don’t butt in. I ask how they’re feeling to find out if they want to talk about it. I might start with, “Are you okay?” Their answer could range from, “I’m fine,” to “I don’t want to talk about it,” to “I’m a basket case.” I respond accordingly.
Also, in my professional life I typically face several “disasters” every day. In the afternoon, when I’m tired and in the midst of the third or fourth “disaster,” I usually just laugh. It breaks the tension, and is a lot more productive than becoming angry.
We might not have the answers. But let’s be considerate with each other. Let’s be part of the solution.
Alan
