Alan Fox

I’m speaking metaphorically here.  It is said that we have “thick skin” if we allow insults to roll off our back, and we have “thin skin” if we become unduly upset.

This is a personal matter.

Recently, a business associate of mine complained that he was offended by several emails from my office.  I asked him to forward them to me.  When I read the emails, I found nothing even remotely offensive. I receive similar emails every day and have no problem with them.

So who is right?  We both are.  Sensitivity is personal.

I have found that as I’ve become more experienced in business my skin has become thicker.  I’ve been active in commercial real estate for more than fifty years.  I no longer take it personally when the vacancy percentage of the properties we manage is higher than I would like it to be, because it is always higher than I would like.  It’s the marketplace.  No one is “out to get me.”

I also do not take it personally when tenants (almost always those who are late in paying their rent) insult me or my company.  I’ve understood for many years that their goal is to pay their rent late, or not at all, and my job is to collect all rents on time and in full.  Thick skin serves me well in business.

But when I take that same skin home at the end of the day, thin skin is better.  When my wife shares with me problems from her own day, I’ve learned to listen patiently.  I resist the temptation to offer suggestions.  My experience is that she appreciates my advice more when she specifically asks for it.  In other words, I leave my “boss” hat in the office where it belongs.

A friend of mine operates an online business.  Several years ago he was extremely upset when he and his business were lambasted on the internet for not being “politically correct.”  I talked him off the ledge and reassured him that he had, in fact, done nothing wrong.

In many situations, thick skin can help you to be happier.  You don’t have to care what everyone thinks about you, especially internet trolls and other bullies.

Thin skin can also help you to be happier. By becoming more sensitive to those you love, you can enjoy better relationships. This includes becoming more sensitive to yourself and your own needs.

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I hope you will allow these words to help you.

Alan

I hope you have a special oasis in your life or, even better, more than one.

I’m not talking about “a fertile or green area in a desert or wasteland, made so by the presence of water.”   What I’m talking about is “a situation or place free from any surrounding unpleasantness. A refuge.”

What is your oasis, your refuge?

One woman told me, “I like to wash the dishes and do the laundry because that’s one area of my life where I’m in control.”  That statement surprised me, probably because I would rather shop for groceries than wash the dishes, and I don’t even know how to do the laundry.  But it does highlight the fact that every refuge is uniquely personal.

Perhaps surprisingly, I find that sitting at my desk in my office is a reliable oasis – especially in the evening or on the weekend when no one else is there.  I love to write, read the news, or watch sporting events on TV.

Another important refuge for me is my bedroom in the evening where I can spend time with my wife or read a book in peace.  I also enjoy seeing a well-written and well-acted movie or play.

Visiting with friends and family, especially during the holidays, is something else I really enjoy.

I invite you to think about what your personal oasis looks like. Is there a special time and place? Who is the person or people you need to be with to create your oasis?

Do you highly value “alone” time?  A particular part of your workday?  Mentoring others?  Visiting your grandchildren?

You don’t have to ride a camel over the sand dunes to reach your personal oasis.  You just have to know what and who you like, and make it happen.

Alan

When I was young I wanted to know everyone’s secrets.  Back then I didn’t understand the underlying implications.

As I grew older I recognized that what I really wanted was for people to trust me enough to make me their confidante. And over the years I discovered, by trial and error, the three important People Tools I needed in order to achieve my goal. These are the three D’s: divulge, display, and discretion.

First, divulge.  I needed to share secrets of my own.  Most people don’t like being observed by others through a one-way mirror.  If I want to know how you met your life partner, I might start by telling you how I met my wife.  Divulge.  Obviously, many secrets are far more personal.  But with someone I trust, I’m willing to go first. If I don’t trust you then it’s not relevant, since we will never share a friendship.

Second, display.  I absolutely must display support when you reveal a secret to me.  After all, why did you tell me in the first place?  Most likely it’s so we will connect and feel closer.  When you confess to me that you occasionally devour a half a gallon of ice cream for dinner you want my support, not a lecture.

Third, discretion.  I must keep your secret a secret.  If in ten minutes I disclose your fears on Facebook you’re not going to share anything important with me again.  Years ago I met a woman at a party who later became a close friend. In our first conversation I asked how much money she earned in a year.

“I wouldn’t even tell my mother that,” she said.

“I won’t tell your mother either.”

She told me.

I never told her mother.  Or anyone else.

I originally intended to talk only about secrets in this blog.  But I realize what I’m writing about is trust, which is the cornerstone of every deep relationship.  The most important element in a friendship is to develop a trust that can only flourish when we each feel safe in sharing our deepest hopes, fears, and dreams.  We then receive from each other both support and discretion.

I’ll open myself to you, and hope you will respond in kind.

Alan