You Can Accomplish a Lot in Four Minutes

I have learned a great deal in my life by listening to the suggestions and wisdom of others.

About thirty-five years ago I had the opportunity to study with Dr. Paul Ware, a psychiatrist in Shreveport, Louisiana.  For an entire week, together with four or five other students, I followed Paul around to his lectures, his meetings, and his visits to a psychiatric hospital.  At the end of our five days of training he allocated to each of us one hour of his time to discuss privately anything we had on our minds.

I had a lot on my mind. After talking to Paul about my marriage, my work, and everything else I could think of, I had used all but four minutes of my time with him.

“Anything else?” he asked.

“There is one thing, but it would take more than four minutes to cover, so I guess we’d better stop now.”

“Alan, you can accomplish a lot in four minutes.  What is that one thing?”

I was embarrassed, and didn’t want to open something up that we didn’t have time to finish.  But I trusted Paul, and he was an expert on adolescent behavior.

“It’s about my son.  He’s fifteen.  About six months ago he got mad at me for something.  He left my house and went back to live with his mother.  He hasn’t seen me or spoken to me since.”

“Do you want to have a relationship with him?”

“Yes.  Of course.  Absolutely.”  I was near tears.

“Go home and apologize,” Paul said.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Do you want to have a relationship with your son or not?”

“Yes.  I do.”

“Then go home and apologize.”

I sighed.  I felt certain that I was in the right and that my son was unreasonable and wrong.  I often feel this way when I am in a dispute with someone.  But in those four minutes I took my first giant step toward becoming a better, more forgiving person.

When I returned home I arranged a meeting with my son.  We spoke, he aired his grievances, and I apologized.

Not long after that he returned to live with me at my home, and we have gotten along well ever since.  That experience was the inspiration for the Apology tool in my original People Tools book. It is also the reason I am willing to apologize, even when I don’t believe I’m wrong.  Of course, I will allow that every once in a while my belief that I am right is, regrettably, wrong.

Those four minutes have made a huge difference in the past thirty-five years of my life.

What else can you do in four minutes?

You can take a shower, fall in love, or listen to a song.

You can ask someone to marry you, or say “yes.”  Or say “no.”

You can be born, get married, or die.

You can make a good first impression, get a job offer, or decide to quit something which makes you unhappy or at which you are failing.

You can read this short blog, and decide to change your life.

Alan