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The other day I was hurrying along the sidewalk on my way to get a haircut when someone almost knocked me over.  After regaining my balance I turned to see the woman who had bumped into me on the ground. Her dry cleaning was strewn around her.

“Are you okay?” I asked

“Yes, I’m so sorry,” she said.  “The plastic wrapping got caught in the door as I left the cleaners and I tripped.  I hope you aren’t hurt.”

“Not at all,” I said.  “I’m glad you’re okay.”

I helped her pick up her dry cleaning.  We smiled at each other and continued on our way.

As Chick Hearn, who broadcast 3,338 consecutive basketball games for the Los Angeles Lakers, often said, “No harm, no foul.”

It is human nature to forgive an action that did not appear to be intentional.  In this case it was obvious that the woman did not mean to bump into me.  While I was startled, and almost fell, I was not offended when I realized it was an accident.  If I believed she had bumped into me on purpose, I would have reacted very differently.

We often apply this test to the actions of others.  We ask, “Was it intentional?”  If something was annoying or hurtful, and we believe the act was deliberate then we might become angry.  If we believe the action was accidental, and it was not truly hurtful, we are quick to pardon the potential offender.

In a relationship this lack of “intent” can, of course, be used as an excuse for hurtful behavior. This is especially true when something like “I didn’t mean to . . .”  is offered as a substitute for performance or for being considerate. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” is offered instead of choosing not to say something insensitive in the first place. But when someone could choose to behave differently, and yet doesn’t, their “intent” is suspect. And when it is used this way too many times it can seriously damage any relationship.

My friend Gina is fond of the, “I lost track of time” justification whenever she is late, which is often.

My friends don’t loan me books anymore.  They are right.  I never intend to lose their books, but in the past forty years I don’t remember returning a single one.

When it comes to a relationship, let’s not abuse the “Intent.” Don’t let it become a meaningless and misleading reason for failure to perform.  When abused repeatedly, it’s not only infuriating but also can end a relationship.

There will be times when you truly do not intend for something to happen. I suggest that you save the excuses for when you really are innocent of any culpability. False justifications can keep you from building your relationship on a foundation of mutual trust. Repeated excuses, after all, can get really old.

I meant to make this a better blog, but I ran out of time.

Alan

One of the more important lessons I’ve learned in life is that we all walk unique but parallel paths. Each of us is truly one of a kind. We have different preferences, worldviews, and tastes.  I’ve even heard of some people who dislike chocolate ice cream.  Now that is really strange.

And even if you and I speak the same language, we certainly will have different vocabularies and emotional associations.  When I think of New York City I think of seeing plays on Broadway.  You might associate New York City with 9/11, or the New York Mets, or high rents.

To paraphrase Zelda Fitzgerald, we each cling to our own innards.  And I say we must realize this, and walk in the other person’s moccasins in order to have the best possible relationship with them.

It is important to my friend Gina that she knows in advance when someone will arrive at her home.  She doesn’t like to be surprised.  I always call her in advance.  Her husband, Kevin, doesn’t care who shows up or when, but he doesn’t like to be abandoned.  So Kevin needs to know when someone is leaving his home.  I make it a point to always say “goodbye” to Kevin.  Neither Gina nor Kevin is “right” or “wrong” here. There is just a huge difference in how they think about visitors to their home.

There is an amusing, and not uncommon, scene in the movie Annie Hall. Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown on opposite sides of a split screen while each one is in a separate therapy session. The two therapists ask their clients how often they make love.

“Hardly ever,” says Woody Allen. “Maybe three times a week.” “Constantly,” says Diane Keaton. “At least three times a week.” Again there is no “right” or “wrong” here, just a different reaction to the same facts.

I prefer communicating in writing, which is why I receive and answer more than two hundred e-mails on most business days. My friend Gary is verbal—he talks on his cell phone constantly and always has to recharge his cell phone in the afternoon.

A friend of mine, Hugo, married Lauren, and they moved into their present home twenty years ago. She put all of her possessions in closets and drawers within three days. Hugo still has many of his possessions in boxes — in the garage.

Finally, we all have different fears. I am terrified of high places such as cliffs, but I have never been afraid of money. Years ago the idea struck me that many people climb mountains and are not in the least afraid of high places, while others have such great fear around money that they won’t even talk about it. I then realized that all of my fears are personal to me, just as your fears are personal to you.  Few of our fears are universal.

Although you inevitably bring your own experience and understanding to every human interaction, you can’t automatically assume that I am exactly like you. Sooner or later each of us has to learn to recognize, respect, and, hopefully, enjoy our differences. Our relationships with our partners, our children, and our friends are more satisfying and successful when we do. I raised my children differently than the way my grandchildren are being raised.  I do not interfere.

Though we all live on the same planet, we can never walk completely in each other’s footsteps, even if we are family. We follow Parallel, not Identical, Paths.

Chocolate ice cream, anyone?

Alan

I used to believe that if I had to ask you for something then even if you gave me what I asked for it was worthless. If you really cared for me you would gladly give me whatever I needed without my having to go to the trouble of actually asking.

Just how logical is this idea? Let’s give it a try. Take a few seconds, close your eyes, and then tell me what I want right now.

All right. Time’s up. Did you figure it out? If you didn’t read my mind correctly should I conclude that you don’t really care about me?

Of course not. But am I alone in this mindreading belief?

Unfortunately, a lot of us have this expectation that when we are close to someone, they should be able to read our minds and give us what we want without our asking for it. Even if we know that is not realistic, we do it anyway. And because people can’t read each other’s minds it has a negative effect on relationships.

I have a solution. Why not help those around us out. Let’s ask for what we want directly? Wouldn’t we all be happier?

At my office everyone I work with performs extremely well, especially when I set clear expectations.  And at home I don’t mind asking for what I want. It significantly increases the chances that I will get it.

Then there is the flip side.  People sometimes want me to be a mind reader, and that works about as well as you might expect. One time my mother gave me two shirts for my birthday.  The next time I saw her I was wearing one of the shirts.

“What’s the matter,” she said.  “Don’t you like the other shirt?”

At an annual review in my office I always ask my employees to tell me what new salary they expect, and why.  I prefer to start there, rather than guessing, and being uncertain for the following year if they are really pleased, or really disappointed.

In contract law there is a concept of a “meeting of the minds.”  You agree to build a house for me.  I agree to pay you a fixed amount of money.  If I expect a furnished palace of ten thousand square feet, and you expect to provide a small wooden shack in my back yard, there would be no “meeting of the minds” and there could be no enforceable contract because the material details of our agreement are vastly different. There is a good reason for this and it is obvious when you think about it. That is why a good contract will have explicit specifications.

The bottom line is, if you want something, ask for it and be specific. No more mind reading. Don’t expect others to know what it is you are thinking. That sets everyone up for failure. For happier, more successful relationships, open your mind and give this idea a try.

And I’d really love it if you let me know how it works. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Alan