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Imagine you have wanted your partner or spouse to change their behavior for a long time.  And one fine day, as if by magic, they do.  For example, they finally take out the trash without being reminded.

How should you respond?

Last Friday I appeared on the “The Social,” a popular national television show in Canada. I wrote a chapter “Catch Them Being Better” in my book People Tools for Love and Relationships. On “The Social” I mentioned, as I had in my book, that to encourage repeat behavior you should thank your partner and praise him or her because everyone responds to approval.

What ensued was a fun and lively discussion.  And one of the panel members questioned me.

“Alan, it feels so much better for me to say to my husband, ‘It’s about time you took out the trash!’”

I agree.  It does feel better to express your accumulated frustration and say, “It’s about time.  Why didn’t you take out the trash without my having to remind you for years?  You know how much it means to me.  You’ve been ignoring me for a long time.”

Yes, it certainly feels better, in the moment, to release your pent up irritation and criticize your partner for not complying sooner.  But I ask you this:  Do you want to feel better right now by airing your resentment, or do you want your partner to continue taking out the trash?  That’s the choice you face – do you want to indulge yourself now, or have a better relationship tomorrow?

When you criticize or complain about your partner’s behavior he or she is likely to say, if only to himself or herself, “I finally took out the trash and now I’m getting slammed.   Well, I’m never going to take out the trash again.”

So, which is more important to you – expressing your displeasure, and discouraging the behavior you have longed for, or expressing your appreciation and encouraging a repeat performance?  I’ll take the “appreciation” option because I want my relationship to be better in the future.  I like to get what I want, and my saying, “That’s great.  I appreciate it.  Thank you.” will go much further than giving in to a natural, but thoughtless, instinct to respond, “It’s about time!”

My suggestion does take a bit of self-control, sacrificing temporary satisfaction for long term reward.  But delaying your gratification is helpful in so many aspects of your life – saving money rather than spending it right away will lead to a more fruitful financial life, and eating properly might significantly improve your health. So delayed gratification is an excellent life skill to both learn and practice.

We have all established many habits during our lifetimes.  Today is a good day to begin questioning a few of your long-held assumptions, defer a little gratification, and pay more attention to a new technique that will improve all of your relationships, and your life.

I want to give a special thank you to the lovely ladies of “The Social” for inviting me to be a guest on their show and for giving me a chance to share my thoughts with them and their audience.

Alan

I’m in Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival, where every year I like to see as many as seven performances a day (plays, musical shows, comedians). I may be a nut about this, but every so often I enjoy being absorbed in something other than business and writing for a week or ten days.

Last night I was seated in the front row for “Showstoppers,” one of my favorite improvisational groups. Each night these seven actors and three musicians create an original musical — a different show every time. I’m extremely impressed by their creativity as well as their vast knowledge of musical theater. As a group they present original songs, dialogue, and dance steps on the spot, in styles as varied as Steven Sondheim or Sound of Music (styles chosen by the audience). To succeed, each actor, as well as the musicians, has to be quick and coordinate with the others. If they come up with a good idea three seconds late, the entire project could fail and the audience might begin to walk out.

Last night their improvisation, suggested and voted on by the audience, was set in Hell and titled, by a member of the audience, Sinning in the Flames, a take-off on Singing in the Rain. The audience clapped along to several songs, and laughed throughout the performance.

In the lobby after the show I spoke with Dylan, the narrator. He told me that “Showstoppers” has been performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival for eight years, and combined with their touring schedule has performed together more than six hundred times. That’s a lot of improvisation. At the end of September the group is opening on London’s West End, England’s version of Broadway. They are more than excited.

“Showstoppers” is a perfect example of teamwork. Each member of the group has to play off the others, sing a different verse of their newly minted songs, and create dance routines which seem to have been rehearsed and practiced for weeks. Teamwork and timing are critical. The songs have to be sung and dance performed in unison throughout the one hour show.

Teamwork. That’s what life is about, whether in families, businesses, or nations. We work together for the benefit of all.

So here I am in my room at the Edinburgh Sheraton, a well located hotel with a friendly staff and great breakfast buffet (teamwork), racing to finish this blog before leaving for a highly rated comedian who starts his show in thirty-five minutes. But even his one-man show is the product of teamwork. After all, organizing and presenting the festival is an enormous team effort. Each show does need ticket takers.

And my team will take over when I finish writing this blog. Nancy and Joel will help to edit, before I revise, and Kat will add graphics and put this blog up on the Peopletoolsbook.com web site. (Lauren normally does that but she and her husband are here with us in Edinburgh, taking in the sights today.) It’s fun, and effective, for me to work with a passionate and dedicated team, especially when I’m out of the office or, in this case, out of the country.

And I’ll be back at my desk next Monday morning, implementing business improvisations with the ACF and People Tools teams. At my office we each have an important role but, unlike “Showstoppers,” we have the advantage of perfecting our act over hours or days, not just a few seconds. That is certainly a relief to me.

Alan

Today a friend asked me for some advice on how to deal with a problematic client who refused to pay a deposit on a real estate purchase. My friend made the deposit for her himself.

“Should I tell her that next time if she doesn’t make a deposit I won’t do business with her?”

I flinched because “doesn’t” and “won’t” are words that, as much as possible, I have eliminated from my vocabulary.  I advised my friend to make the same point, but in a positive way by saying, “The instant you make a deposit I will send your offer to the listing broker.”

One of the biggest and best kept secrets about how to get along well with anyone is simply this:  Communicate positively.

Who would you rather do business with?  Someone who consistently says “won’t” or someone who says “I’d be happy to”?  For me the answer is clear, and extends far beyond business.  I like to spend time with people who are positive.

Suppose you call your mother to share an article you think she’d be interested in, “Mom, I just read this great blog that I think you would enjoy.” But instead of thanking you, she says, “Why would I like that? We don’t have the same taste.”  You might feel rejected and resolve to never again suggest that your mother read anything.  Instead of feeling closer to her, as you intended, you would undoubtedly feel more distant.

But suppose your mother replies, “You always have such good suggestions.  I’d love to read the blog.  Thanks.”  That response is positive and encouraging.

My wife and I often invite my father to join us when we plan to see a movie.  Walking back to our car I generally ask him how he liked it.  Sometimes his answer is, “I really enjoyed spending the evening with you.  Thanks for asking me out.”

This reply tells me that Dad probably didn’t care for the movie, but he is communicating in a positive manner that encourages us to ask him out again.  He offers praise and thanks.  That works wonders for our relationship.

Many of us have unconsciously fallen into the “Negative” trap.  I know a woman who initially says “No” to any invitation.  Then, after talking about it, she often changes her reply to “Yes.”  But the damage has been done.  Whoever made the offer feels rejected and unhappy, even though her final answer was affirmative.

As an experiment, I suggest that you listen carefully to the words you say, and take another look when you write your next text or email.  Then change each “won’t” or “doesn’t” to “will” or “does.”  Stay away from “not.” This is not hard to do.  Oops.  I mean, this is easy to do.  But you may need to increase your awareness of how you communicate.

I have one related suggestion. When I am positive, some people think I’m just being polite, so they give me another chance to lay the “No” word on them.  They will ask, “Are you sure?”

My answer is always the same.  “Yes, I’m sure.  I may not be right, but I am sure.”

To borrow a tag line from a TV ad many years ago, “Try it.  You’ll like it.”

So will everyone you come into contact with, and your popularity will soar.

I’m positive.

Alan