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Let me tell you a story. Before starting a week-long vacation, two parents gave each of their two young sons twenty dollars to spend.  The younger son, David, spent all of his money the first day.  The next day he wanted to buy a toy, and asked his mom for more money.  His mom said “no.”

“But Mom, Aaron still has all of his money.  Why can’t I have some of his?”

His mom was sympathetic.  “Aaron, why don’t you give your little brother ten dollars.  He’s run out of money, and you still have your twenty dollars.”

There are two problems here.  First, the Mom was being inconsistent by saying “No” and then “Yes.”  Her quick contradiction invited both sons, as well as everyone else in her life, to continue asking for the same thing over and over, under the now-proven belief that she may have a change of mind.  This is an assumption that many of us invite throughout our lives. We all know we cannot transmute lead into gold, but with people who are inconsistent we know we might successfully convert refusal into acceptance.  And this can be true for Dads just as well as Moms.

But there is a second, far more serious consequence that results from Mom’s asking Aaron to share the money he has saved.  She is, in essence, telling her older son that his decision to save money may lead to his losing it by having to share with his less thrifty younger brother. Aaron’s act of saving actually results in his losing, and not retaining, his stockpile.

Whenever we divorce consequences from an action we are encouraging irresponsible action.

Take politicians.  Please.  They are in charge of spending money.  Not their own money.  Your money.  But spending your money does not drain their personal bank accounts.  To the contrary.  They raid the public treasury.  And if an office holder spends public funds to favor one group of voters, they will, in gratitude, be more likely to fill the politician’s coffers with donations, or vote for him or her in the next election.  Politicians often spend our money, to our disadvantage, in order to benefit themselves.

The same is true of corporations.  Before the recent “Great Recession,” for example, many banks took high financial risks, and earned a temporary and illusory profit.  They promptly rewarded their CEO’s and other high-ranking officers with elevated salaries and obscene bonuses.  A few years later, when the banks were penalized by regulators and forced to pay hundreds of millions of dollars in fines, who footed the bill?  Not the same officers, I assure you, but the shareholders.

I suggest that we change our behavior, and consistently marry actions to consequences.  When a child spends his or her money, it should be considered gone and should not be replaced.  Beneficial behavior, like saving money, should be rewarded with praise, not a parental request to “share.”

Years ago one of my young children, age eleven, was accustomed to throwing up in the middle of the night, with Mom cleaning up the mess.  One night, when we were both awakened by a mewling child, I decided to respond myself.

In the child’s bedroom I said, “Clean it up yourself.”

“I can’t.  I don’t know how.”

“Then learn.  Or sleep in it.  When you make a mess you have to clean it up yourself.  I won’t do it for you.”

I think this was a beneficial lesson.  Our son did clean up his own vomit, and never woke me or my wife in the middle of the night again.  I would say this is a win-win solution.

When they are married to each other, actions will be more thoughtful, and consequences will remain where they belong – with the person responsible for the action.

Alan

As a child, I adopted many chiseled-in-granite ideas about how an adult should live. That wisdom included:

1. A couple should marry in their early twenties and spend every night together for the rest of their lives.

2. A good father plays baseball with his sons and takes his children to picnics in the park.

3. A woman stays home and cooks. A man handles the money.

4. If you’re going to college, you have to start immediately after high school and continue your education without interruption until you finish.

5. If you ever accumulate a large amount of money it will eventually disappear.

6. When you praise people they lose all incentive to perform well.

7. Other people are out to get you.

8. Length of life is more important than quality of life.

9. Work is unpleasant and should be avoided as much as possible.

10. If you are too smart, other people will dislike you.

Where did I learn these rules? From my family, as well as my schools, teachers, and other children. In short, from the cultural stereotypes of my childhood.

My early beliefs were not entirely wrong. Quite the contrary. Many fathers play baseball with their sons and enjoy taking their children to the park for a picnic. Many women cook, and many men handle money. Some couples marry in their early twenties and live reasonably happily together ever after.

But living solely by stereotype can be treacherous because it often masks your own personal needs. One size does not fit all.

Those ten particular rules didn’t work for me as an adult and I don’t believe them anymore. Specifically:

1. I first married when I was twenty-one. Now, for more than thirty years, I have enjoyed my third marriage. I also admit that I enjoy an occasional overnight business trip alone.

2. I have two adult sons who are doing well in the world but I don’t recall playing baseball with them. I do remember picnics in the park.

3. My wife seldom cooks. We each handle money well.

4. Many years after completing my basic college education I returned to earn additional degrees.  My wife started college when she was twenty-four and graduated when she was twenty-nine.

5. As a lawyer I discovered that many people die leaving a large estate. Their wealth did not vanish before they did.

6. Praise motivates and criticism discourages.

7. Most people, including teachers, doctors, and friends, are actually out to do me good.

8. While the length of life is more easily measured, the quality of life is more important.

9. Work can be fun and fulfilling.

10. People used to dislike me not because I was smart but because I was obnoxious and sarcastic.

Gradually, over the years, I have discarded many of those “truths” I grew up with. I put them in my mental and emotional wastebasket, because they didn’t work for me anymore.

Many stereotypes of “how to be” exist largely in our own heads.  Some beliefs work for us but many do not. We grow. We change. The world changes. What satisfies me may not satisfy you and vice versa. This is why I use the People Tool of the Wastebasket to throw out those ideas or values that do not work for me today, which is the only day I have.

Whatever your beliefs, act on what your judgment tells you is appropriate today. Discard those “truths” that may have been helpful yesterday. You can always change your mind tomorrow, when circumstances may be different.

And use today to build new, more useful beliefs. Throw your obsolete, rusty tools into the Wastebasket. That’s what it’s for.

Alan