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When I was growing up we had one telephone in our home. My brother and I were instructed always to answer it after the second ring.  One afternoon the telephone rang at an inconvenient time.  My mother said, “You don’t have to answer it.”

“But Mom . . . “

Maybe she was tired.  Maybe she knew who was calling and didn’t want to talk to them.  For whatever reason, Mom said, “Alan, you don’t always have to answer the telephone.”

I thought about this for years, and I now realize that my Mom’s permission was a turning point in my life.  I have always been curious.  If I don’t answer the telephone I might miss an important call.

But in any relationship it’s crucial to pay attention to your partner.  Not partial attention.  Full attention. And that means that sometimes, you should not answer your phone!

Today almost everyone carries a cell phone.  My dad was honored recently at a concert at the University of Arizona.  In the middle of a cello solo Dad’s cell phone rang.  He answered it.  I heard him say, loudly, into the glow in his hand, “Not now!”

When his phone rang again I suggested that he turn it off.

The question is this:  Who is in charge of your life?  Your parents?  Your friends?  Everyone who has your telephone number?  Or you.  Do you have to answer your phone just because someone has dialed your number?

I turn off my cell phone at meals, at movies, and after nine pm.  I also turn it off when I’m in the middle of a serious conversation.

Tom, a business associate, recently shared with me the reason he is no longer married to Rhonda, his high school sweetheart.

“Alan,” he said, “she was always on the phone.  One time we were on our way to a wedding, and Rhonda got a call less than a minute after we left the house.  She was on her phone during the entire drive and for ten minutes in the parking lot after we arrived.  She finally said “Goodbye” as we were standing in front of the church, and we ended up seating ourselves in the back row just as the ceremony started.  It was embarrassing.  And this happened all of the time.  Whoever was on the other end of that telephone line was the center of Rhonda’s attention.  I felt ignored.”

I have a clear sense of priorities.  When my father, one hundred years old, calls me, I answer.  When my wife calls, I almost always answer.  If one of my children calls me during the business day I either take their call or arrange to call them back.  I refuse to elevate business to a higher priority in life than my family or close friends.

The quality of every relationship is directly related not only to the amount of time you spend spent with each other, but, more importantly, to the quality of that time.  When you are on a date I don’t think that you or your date would want your mother, or anyone else, to sit in the back seat.  When we’re together I don’t want to be relegated to the back seat of your life, while someone else has grabbed your full attention.

Give yourself a break from being plugged-in.  You do not have to be available twenty-four seven.  Take to heart the aphorism, “Good news will wait.  Bad news will find you soon enough.”  And if your phone rings, you don’t have to answer it.  My mother gave you permission.

Alan

If you are looking forward to St. Valentine’s Day, as I am, you might wonder who to thank for this most romantic of days.  Through the miracle of Google and Wikipedia I have discovered that you should send a card to Geoffrey Chaucer.

The “first recorded association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love is in Parlement of Foules (1382) by Geoffrey Chaucer.”

In those days, when spelling was a free-for-all, here is what Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

[“For this was on St. Valentine’s Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.”]

Enough history.  Fast forward to now.  The sentiments expressed in most Valentine’s Day cards tend toward insecurity.  “Will you be my Valentine?”  “Please be my Valentine.”  “I miss you, Valentine.”

I suggest that you take a more direct and confident approach.

YOU ARE MY VALENTINE

Every woman wants to hear that.  So does every man.  No guessing, no game playing, just a candid and definitive declaration.

When I was in law school, after a full year in a contracts class, the professor revealed that the real secret to crafting a binding contract was to state at the end of the written document: “And I mean it, gosh darn it.”  (I paraphrase.)

So you might add to your simple statement some inspiring words like “I love you.” A dozen red roses, or candy, would also be a nice touch.

You could even be a contrarian and recognize that a Valentine’s Day card is much more unusual, and even more appreciated, on any other day of the year.

My wife likes to start celebrating a few days early, so I’m busy for the rest of the evening.  I’ll see you at Easter, bunny.

Alan

Everyone who has traveled on a commercial airliner surely remembers the words, “In the event of a sudden loss in cabin pressure the oxygen masks will drop in front of you. Put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping your child or those around you.”

That makes sense.  How could I possibly help my eight-year-old child, or anyone else, if I am unconscious?

In a relationship each of us is a caretaker.  We read books to our children at night so they will learn stories and absorb language skills.  We console friends when they have lost a job or a relationship.  We will take an entire week off of work to assist a deteriorating parent who has encountered sudden medical needs.  We are happy to spend our own time and resources to help our partner acquire more education, or progress in his or her career.

But we are not invulnerable and, in our role as caretaker, any of us may falter if we fail to pay enough attention to our own needs first.

Taking care of your own needs first may seem counter-intuitive. It may even seem selfish, and, in fact, it is selfish.  I see nothing wrong in that, because only by taking correct and consistent care of yourself can you can continue to fully support those you love.

Robert, a friend of mine, had always helped his many friends, employees, and customers by sharing his time, advice, and money.  He was widely considered to be extremely generous, and others constantly turned to him in their time of need.  But, through no fault of his own, during the “Great Recession” which began in 2008, Robert lost half of his considerable net worth.

At lunch one day he confided in me.  “Alan, I don’t know what to do.  If my business continues to decline the way it has during the past year or two I’m going to be in violation of loan agreements with my bank, run out of money, and my entire company could be lost to bankruptcy.  But I don’t want to abandon anyone.”

“So you don’t want to appear to be selfish,” I said.

Robert corrected me.  “I don’t want to be selfish,” he said.

“You’re right.”  I sat and pondered.  “You seem to have a serious problem, and I don’t have a ready answer for you.  I’m going to have to think about this one.”

The following week I invited Robert to an early morning coffee at Starbucks.

“Is your business going any better?”

“I’m afraid not.  If anything, my order book has gone from bad to worse in just this past week.  And in ten days I will have to put a lot of new money into three separate projects.  It will take every bit of my remaining cash.”

“What if you don’t?”

“My company has been working on each of these projects for nearly two years.  If I don’t put in more money now, they will all have to be abandoned.  That’s unthinkable”

I briefly remembered Sunk Cost theory.  “Robert, I repeat.  What if you don’t?”

“Then I will have lost an investment of millions of dollars for myself and my investors, and we’ll lose a great profit opportunity in the future. Even worse, I would have to lay off ten or twelve of my best people.  Some of them have been with me for ten or fifteen years.  How will they provide for their families?”

“Robert, you have to save yourself first.”

“Alan, I want to.  Believe me, I want to.”  He seemed near tears.  “I’ve never had to let people go before.”

I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Robert, I truly sympathize.  If I had the money I would give it to you in a minute.  But these are tough times for all of us, and if you don’t take care of yourself first you may not to be in a position to take care of anyone for years to come.  It’s like what you hear as part of the safety instructions before every airplane flight.

He looked at me curiously.  Then he nodded in agreement.

“Put on your own oxygen mask first,” he said.

“Robert, you got it.  Exactly.”

We hugged when we left the coffee shop.

I’m happy to report that Robert found enough money to fund the most important, and largest, of his three projects.  One of his employees took early retirement, after admitting to Robert that she had wanted for years to travel around the world.  Other employees accepted a reduced salary in return for a share in the new venture they were working on.

Today that project is the most successful division in Robert’s business, and two more of his now former employees are traveling the world in comfort.

To paraphrase a quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln, “You can help some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you cannot help all of the people all of the time.”

You have to take proper care of yourself and, when the need arises, put on your own oxygen mask first.

Alan