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How do you respond when a friend asks you for a favor? While this situation may seem quite ordinary, your answer actually says a lot about the level of trust between the two of you.

When asked for a favor, most of us will reply, “It depends on what you want.”  After all, an immediate “Yes” seems like signing a blank check on which the other person can fill in whatever amount they like.  Despite this possibility, I decided years ago that I would always answer with a smile and say, “Sure.  I would be happy to do you a favor.”

Have I ever been sorry?  Has anyone ever asked for a loan of ten thousand dollars?  Or to borrow my new car for a two-week road trip across the country?  Or to help them rob a bank?  These things have never happened.  Not once.  I find that people who ask me for a favor always have a clear idea of what I will and will not do for them. I have never had to change my answer or turn anyone down.

By saying “Sure,” even before I know what the favor is, they know that I trust them to ask me for something reasonable.  Trust is the indispensable glue that connects us to each other. It is the same glue that holds our entire society together.

Think about it.  If I didn’t trust other drivers I would never ride in a car.  If I didn’t trust a pilot I would never board an airplane.  If I didn’t trust my bank I would keep cash under my mattress.  (This assumes that I trust the government to back up their promise that my dollar bills will be worth something.)  Every day we trust people we have never met.  So why shouldn’t I trust a friend?

But the issue goes deeper than that.  When someone asks for a favor, to me the underlying question is really this:  “Do I trust myself?”  Do I trust that I will be able to deal appropriately with a situation in which I may have to reverse myself even after previously saying “Sure”?

When we get married we each say “I do,” and we mean it.  We intend to be together for the rest of our lives.  For better or for worse.  For richer or for poorer.  But sometimes we can’t keep that commitment. Very few decisions in life are final.

Of course, there are some people who just plain lie.  They borrow money with no intention of repaying it.  They promise to meet you for lunch but cancel if a better opportunity comes along.  They accept a job, then quit two weeks later.

This is why trust grows between two people only with time and experience.  Every successful encounter creates greater confidence. This is why large companies spend billions of dollars to establish their brands. They are building trust with the consumer. We trust Apple, or MacDonald’s, or Jiff Peanut Butter based upon our previous experiences.  Or we don’t trust them.  Our personal experience, favorable or unfavorable, is what counts.

I choose to trust other people, including strangers, but I also keep in mind the words of Ronald Reagan who, when talking about a treaty with a foreign power, said, “Trust, but verify.”

I choose to be open to new people and new experiences.  I like to say, “Sure.”  I enjoy opening new doors to intimacy and adventure.  My policy has worked well for me and for those who know me.  It can also open doors for you.

So will you please do me a favor?  Next time someone asks for a favor, seize the opportunity.  Smile and say, “Sure.  I’d be happy to.”

Thanks.

Alan

Talking about money is a taboo for most of us. We talk about politics, current events, the weather, even sex, but for some reason the subject of money is usually off the table, even between family members.

For example, early in my previous marriage my wife approached about her parent’s financial situation.  She said, “I think my parents need financial help.”

“Why do you think so?”  I said.

“I don’t know.  It’s a feeling.”

“How much does your dad earn?”

“I don’t know.”

“How much do your parents have in the bank?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do they have any big debts?”

“I have no idea.”

“Have you talked to them about this?”

“No.  Maybe you could.”

I did.  They did not go into detail, but said their finances were fine.

Similarly, when my friend John told me that a friend of his had accepted a new job the first thing I asked was, “What’s his salary?”  And when another friend told me that his parents had purchased a new house, I asked, “How much did they pay?”

I seldom ask those kinds of questions anymore, because my friends usually say  they don’t  know, and “wouldn’t ask someone a personal question like that.”

Fortunately for me, my father talked to me about money freely, and I was a good student.  I knew how much he earned as a studio musician ($10.00 an hour) and how many hours the union allowed him to work each week (ten).  He told me how much cash flow he earned from his two apartment buildings, and I figured out it was $1.34 an hour, twenty-four hours a day.  This was when I earned the minimum wage of $1.00 an hour.  I knew that my parents had paid $6,800 for their home, and that $100,000 would buy the best house in town.  Of course, this specific information is useless today because it is entirely out of date.  But I learned the process. I learned how to think and talk about money.

Today it is easy to find out the price of almost everything.  You don’t have to ask anyone.  You can look it up on the internet.  You can locate the prices of houses, electronic devices, or automobiles.  You can quickly discover salary ranges for your type of job in your location.  You can determine the cost of living in any city in the United States.

Information about money is readily available.  But talking about money isn’t.

I recently asked an acquaintance how much she earned at her new job.

“I wouldn’t even tell my mother that,” she said.

“I won’t tell your mother either.”

She told me.

Why did she refuse to tell me at first?  Because she was uncomfortable talking about money.  I imagine that her family never discussed that subject, just as my family never talked about sex.

Why then, after my brief attempt at humor, did she ultimately tell me?  Because she realized that I was comfortable talking about money, even if she wasn’t.

I think you will agree that, like health, money is important in your life.  We talk with our parents and doctors about health.  But many of us are reluctant to talk with anyone about money, even good friends or family.

If I told you that I was suffering physically, but I wouldn’t tell you or anyone else what was wrong, you might conclude that I wasn’t going to get much help for my  problem.

The same is true about money.  You might be uncomfortable talking about it.  You might be embarrassed or scared.  If you are, I encourage you to seek the counsel of someone who is comfortable with the subject, and practice.  It’s important to be relaxed in talking about money, if only to better ask for a raise.

Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this blog, two of my stellar employees appeared.  They politely pointed out that we have enjoyed a very good year, and gently suggested what they would appreciate as a “thank you.”  They have learned this lesson well.  We’re going to have lunch next week to talk about their request.

Alan