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 This morning I asked a close friend of mine how he enjoyed his weekend.

“Educational,” he said.

Alarm bells rang in my head.

“Okay, Larry.  What went wrong?”

“My wife and I had dinner Saturday night with Peter and his wife.  We’ve known them for a long time.  Peter is a very successful businessman.  When the waiter gave us the check, Peter suggested we split the cost.  This was despite the fact that he and his wife ordered more expensive meals, and also three glasses each of a very expensive wine.  My wife and I split one dinner, and one glass of house wine between us.”

“I’ve been in that situation many times myself,” I said. “So what did you do?”

“I was unhappy, of course.  It was clearly unfair.  But I didn’t argue because I didn’t want to make a scene. As a result, I paid a lot more than I should have, and woke up in the middle of the night kicking myself.”

I don’t blame Larry one bit.  To keep the peace, I’ve swallowed many costs in my own life.  In effect I’ve volunteered to let the takers do exactly what takers like to do –take advantage of me.

Larry wanted to avoid a conflict and, in effect, disappeared. I have done the same thing in similar situations.

I was particularly interested in Larry’s experience because last year I began to write a novel entitled, The Man Who Disappeared.  My novel features the story of a man who swallows more and more abuse from others, to the point where ultimately there is very little left for him to meet his own emotional or financial needs.

Now, I have a favor to ask.  I’d like you to share with me your own stories, or stories of other people you know who have, in effect, “disappeared.”  By “disappeared” I mean they didn’t assert themselves when they should have.  From what I’ve read in the press, Muhammed Ali was asked many times to pay someone’s rent or give them a loan, and he often did. There is no question that Muhammed Ali was generous.  There may be a question of whether he was diminished, or in part disappeared, because he allowed himself to be taken advantage of.

What is the balance?  That’s what I’m trying to figure out by writing The Man Who Disappeared, and I’d like to know your experiences on this subject.

You can contact me by email at Alan@peopletoolsbook.com

Please write.  Get it off your chest.  Don’t disappear on me.  We’re all in this life together.

Thanks.

Alan

Every time I’m asked to write a letter of recommendation my reaction is the same.

“I would be happy to.  Please give me a draft.  Put in whatever is important to you, then send me the letter to edit.”

In other words – make it easy for me.

A few weeks ago I violated my own rule.  Abbot, a friend and business associate of twenty years, asked for a letter of reference. He provided four letters written by other business people.  I thought, “This will be easy,” and immediately forwarded Abbot’s email to my assistant, asking her to write a draft.

An hour later she responded.  “Alan, I don’t know him well enough.”

Fair enough.  I quickly skimmed the four letters that Abbot had provided, then emailed him a three sentence letter.  I heard back right away.

“Alan, this won’t do.  Maybe I should draft the letter for you myself.”

I agreed. It’s what I should have asked him to do in the first place.

Stephanie, another friend of mine, flies to Orlando every year to join a colleague at Disney World.

“I don’t especially love Disney World.” Stephanie said,

“Then why to you go there so regularly?”

““Because I love my friend, and I enjoy spending time with her.  And she makes it so easy for me.  She takes care of all of the airline and hotel reservations, buys the tickets, provides for ground transportation, and plans our schedule in advance and in detail.  All I have to do is pack my suitcase and walk onto the airplane.”

If I were to ask you to “please help me out,” I might be met by your blank stare because I haven’t even told you what I want.  I’ve already made your task difficult, if not impossible.

Three or four times at a restaurant I’ve said to the waiter, “Surprise me.  Bring me something interesting.”

The response, every time, was, “What do you like?”  This is a reasonable question, but once I stood my ground.  “Surprise me.”  And I was surprised by a meal which I hated.  Now I’m more careful in what I ask for, and try to be both specific and clear.

When I talk with someone who might be interested in a commercial real estate investment I provide photos and two pages of information that is easy to understand.  I sometimes provide a rent roll of the tenants on request. I have learned to keep my presentation simple. I don’t talk about two investments at the same time because, in the past, I have always been asked, “Which one is better?”  Then when I talked about the pros and cons of each property I saw only confusion in the eyes of my prospective investor. This always resulted in no sale.

Online retailers such as Amazon make it easy for me to order from them.  I have tried to make it easy for you to subscribe, or unsubscribe, to my blog.  I’m sure that all of us have often failed to complete an order on the internet when we couldn’t complete the process quickly enough.

I want to please you.  Many people want to please you.  Make it easy for each of us to succeed.

Alan

For more than ten years the Italian restaurant next door to my office has been my “go to” place for a quick lunch with friends and clients.  No drive, no parking, good food, and the added benefit of supporting a neighbor. But a few months ago, sadly, Mezzo Mondo closed its doors and vanished.

As I left my office yesterday evening I noticed a new Japanese restaurant had taken its place.  The lights were bright, liveried valet on duty, a smiling hostess at the front door, three waiters hovering, and four white-hatted sushi chefs standing tall behind the back counter.  As my wife and I walked in the front door the entire staff applauded our entrance.  I don’t think this was because of our celebrity or good looks.

We all like to know the opinions of other customers, especially for a restaurant we’ve never tried.  That’s what Yelp is all about – user opinions.  Personally, I always hesitate before sitting down in a restaurant with no other diners.  What does everyone else know that I might have to discover for myself?  But I gave this restaurant the benefit of the doubt because I knew this was their opening day.

Our dinner was fine.  As you can imagine, the service was quick. I ordered a little more than I usually would because I somehow felt responsible for their lack of other customers. My excitement to have a new restaurant open in a convenient location was tempered by my concern about food spoiling, staff quitting, and the restaurant soon closing if their business didn’t pick up.

It’s fine to write a better book or, as they say, build a better mouse trap (or restaurant), but a great product is not enough.  You also have to get the word out.  You have to market and advertise.  It seems to me that business, like life itself, resembles a decathlon, in which to be successful, you have to be at least adequate in every event.

But just as no one is ever going to hold the world record in both the shot put and the hundred meter dash, none of us can be great at everything.  I know many people who are outstanding at their work, but can’t quite translate their ability and effort into real money.  I know others who are wonderful friends, but who haven’t yet found the love relationship they aspire to and deserve.

Your life starts, and ends, with you, and life is what happens while you’re making plans.  To help my life along I’m resolving again, even though it’s not yet New Year’s Day, to fully enjoy whatever I do, be friendly to everyone, and support friends and family in their ventures.

And if you’re in the mood for an excellent Japanese lunch or dinner, just stand in front of my office building and turn left.  You might even receive applause when you walk through the front door.

Alan