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I don’t think of myself as a professional entertainer.  Far from it.  I’m most comfortable talking with a friend at lunch or, at most, another couple when dining out. I’m outside my comfort zone if I’m expected to socialize with many people in one room.

I still remember a “surprise” party I threw for my girlfriend (later to become my wife) for her nineteenth birthday.  I planned the party for weeks, especially the entertainment which consisted of games with prizes.  I had cleverly structured the evening so that every one of the twelve or fourteen guests would win a valuable prize.  If that sounds to you like I was trying to “buy” friends, you are exactly right.  On the appointed night, even though I waited for an extra hour, two of the invited couples failed to arrive.  This put a crimp in my plans and a dent in my self-esteem.  The party was a success, but by the end of the evening I felt no exhilaration as I shut the front door on the heels of the final couple to leave. I only sensed relief and exhaustion.  There had been no major crisis, and that was about as good as I could have expected.

During the past fifty or more years I have hosted a number of parties for as many as three hundred guests.  I am more comfortable now, since there has never been a disaster. In fact, the vast majority of my guests seem to thoroughly enjoy themselves. I know this because I am often asked, “When’s the next party?” Even so, I still worry.

From my experience I offer five secrets on how to successfully entertain a group of many, even if you’re a natural introvert like I am.

1. Enjoy yourself during the party. Your guests are watching you, and if you have a smile on your face and interact with many people, they will follow your lead.
2. Invite a diverse group of people whom you like – no downers, please – and allow them to find each other. Other than for the head table, I never assign seating.  Guests are free to find old friends, connect with new friends, or, as I do at other peoples parties, locate a table off to the side with a single end seat for me so that my wife can be my human conversation shield.
3. Provide enough food and drink to satisfy everyone. I’ve been to a few parties where the food consisted of stale potato chips and the drink was one bottle of diet coke to be shared six ways.
4. Get out of the way and let it roll. At the midpoint of my recent 75^th birthday party, with 275 invited guests, my party planner Jeanne pushed her way through the crowd to whisper in my ear, “Alan, I’ve lost control of the party.”  And, indeed, she had.  Everyone sat down for dinner forty-five minutes late.  It was impossible to hear the piano player over the clamor of conversation.  And the magician cut his act, not his assistant, in half because everyone was having far too much fun talking and scarfing down cake and ice cream to pay attention to him.  The party was an outstanding success.
5. On a vacation with many family members or friends, I plan one event a day (usually breakfast or dinner) which everyone is expected to attend. This provides a bit of structure and the opportunity to share experiences.  Otherwise, the vacation, like a party, is a free for all.  Some guests may enjoy bungee jumping, hiking, or horseback riding.  Others may turn to golf, shopping, or reading a book while relaxing near the swimming pool.  All of them will figure out what they would enjoy most, and I don’t have to organize anything, other than for myself.

Of course, if all else fails I might pass out some of those expensive party favors saved from that “surprise” nineteenth birthday party I worried about so many years ago.

Alan

Have you ever heard of Marco Dawson? I’ll give you a hint. He’s an American, fifty-one years old. You don’t have a clue? I’ll give you one more hint. He plays professional golf.

Still drawing a blank? Me too, until noon last Sunday, when I watched Marco, on ESPN, sink a birdie putt on the final hole to win The Senior Open golf tournament in Great Britain. He beat the best two golfers on the Champions Tour (that’s a euphemism for professional golfers at least fifty years old). At the end Bernard Langer of Germany and Colin Montgomerie from Great Britain trailed Marco by a single stroke (Langer) or two (Montgomerie). That’s like two lions fighting with you for more than a mile, each trying to steal your dinner.

Even though Marco started playing professional golf in 1985 (eleven years before Tiger Woods) he had never won a single tournament before this year. Not one. In fact, he seldom qualified to play in the golf’s major tournaments at all. Throughout his career Marco played in a total of 413 tournaments on the PGA tour, and 161 tournaments on the web.com tour (whatever that is). Before his fifty-first birthday his record for winning was zero for 574. That’s a long dry spell. In fact, it was one extended career-long drought.

As you can imagine, in his television interview after the tournament, Marco asked the viewers to understand if he was trembling.

“I spent a long time practicing and playing over the years,” he said, “and I felt like it’s time to quit playing conservatively and scared. I felt that I played most of my career that way. I finally decided to simply let it loose, let go. . . It’s so much fun playing that way.”

That’s good advice for all of us, at any age, in any arena of life. “Let it loose, let go. . . It’s so much fun playing that way.”

You don’t need to have had prior success in life to succeed. Persistence and passion pay off. You can enjoy your first big day in the sun when you’re fifty-one years old, or at any age for that matter. You can “let it loose” and “let go,” delight in the very best day of your life, and you can do that today.

Thanks, Marco, for reminding us that it’s never too late to succeed. We can achieve anything when we persevere. And congratulations. You are my hero.

Alan

When he was young, one of my sons told me, “Dad, the secret of getting along with other people is to always be sincere. If you can fake that, you have it made.” I’m not going to comment on his statement (which was intended as a joke) other than to say that faking sincerity is not the best idea, even if you’re good at it. You might end up fooling yourself.

Even if you’re not running for public office, to succeed in life you need other people to like you. You need friends. And the more people like you the more successful you become. Here are a few tips:

1. Like Them First. If you want someone to like you, like them first. And let them know that you like them. Don’t leave it to chance. Don’t be proud. Don’t try to play “hard to get.” Say to them, “I really like you.”
2. Listen, Listen, Listen. The three most important factors in real estate are location, location, and location. The three most important elements in business are management, management, and management. The three most important factors in being a friend are to listen, listen, and listen. People love to be heard. Years ago a business associate of mine complained about his problems. I made suggestions, which he always rejected. We both ended up frustrated. This continued for more than a year. Finally, he said to me, “Alan. I don’t want your suggestions. I just want to complain.” Bingo! I got it. That was one of the best bits of relationship advice I have ever been given. I changed my approach. I began to listen to him without offering suggestions. Our improved relationship has lasted for more than forty years.
3. Give value. When you spend your money, you look for value. When you spend your time with someone, you also look for value. Be enthusiastic about a friend’s successes and supportive when they fail Find out what your friends like by listening to them. Provide as much of what they like as you can. If my mom had listened to me, she would not have given me a scratchy wool sweater for my birthday present four years in a row. She would have given me a game or a toy.
4. Keep your relationships balanced. Give as much as you receive, if not more. No one likes to feel taken advantage of, and an unequal relationship will not be satisfying to either of you. This advice works both ways. Don’t let yourself end up being taken advantage of either. Mutual give and take is the foundation of every good relationship.
5. Be there when it’s important. One of my daughters loved her dog Bryce. So did I. One morning Bryce was chasing a squirrel, ran into the street, and was hit by a car. Bryce died in my daughter’s arms on the way to the animal hospital. My daughter’s boyfriend at the time had previously scheduled a camping trip with other friends, and left an hour later. He was gone four days, and wasn’t there when she needed him. Shortly after, my daughter moved on.

I think I’ll modify what my son told me years ago. The secret of getting along with other people is to always be authentic. Once you have mastered that, you won’t need to fake anything.

Alan