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A Few Things I’ve Learned

Solitude-PeopleTools-March2016I began writing People Tools many years ago so I could share with others the behavioral insights that have helped me to achieve my goals and to live my dreams. Three books and hundreds of blog posts later, I still ask myself a question you too may occasionally ask yourself.

“How do I know which is the best tool to use in a given situation?”

The simple answer is, I don’t always know. I still have to experiment.

It has been my hope that you and every one of my readers will use people tools to live happier and more fulfilling lives; to see doors where you once saw only walls, or experience the comfort of structure where you previously may have felt vulnerable and exposed. I hope that you have benefited from my experiences – both my successes and my own mistakes.

So what have I learned over the past few years since I began writing the books and my blog?

  1. Writing books and maintaining a weekly blog is a lot of work. It’s very rewarding, but it isn’t always fun.
  2. People tools pervade my life. They help me navigate through my business and personal life with honesty and self-awareness.
  3. Human possibilities are virtually limitless. I am constantly amazed and delighted by the insight, ingenuity and resourcefulness of the people around me.
  4. Sometimes the opposite can be more effective than the customary and it takes courage, sometimes great courage, to be different. I have found that being courageous is worth it.
  5. I don’t know all the answers. I don’t even know some of the most important questions. But I continue to be willing to learn –and to be taught.

Three hermits lived together in a cave. One day a palomino horse ran by. Two years later the first hermit said, “Sure was share-Your-Story-PeopleToolsa pretty white horse.” Three years after that the second hermit said, “Twasn’t white. ‘Twas golden.” Five years passed before the third hermit chimed in.  “If you two are going to talk so much, I’m leaving.”

Though it might feel at times as if you’re isolated in your life (and isolation may indeed be an inseparable part of the human condition), rest assured that we’re all in this together. I invite you to share your experiences with me and with each other. Talk to your friends. Get in touch and let me know what has and hasn’t worked for you in your life and what helpful tools you’ve discovered along the way.

The Road we travel together in our lifetimes is fraught with unforeseen difficulties and obstacles, and at the same time filled with promise and protection. And it helps when we stay close to ourselves and each other, and openly share our stories.

Alan

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When Honesty and Kindness Collide

honesty-kindness-peopletools“Honey, do you like this dress?”

Danger!  Danger!  Rocky passage ahead!

For many reasons one of my strongest values is honesty, both in myself and others.

For many of the same reasons another of my strongest values is kindness, also in myself and others.

But what happens when these two ideals collide?

Any one of the following reactions to the question above might be entirely honest.  I wouldn’t hesitate to immediately use either one of the first two.  As for the rest, what do you think?

“That dress is gorgeous.  An absolute ten.  You’re the belle of my ball.”

“Very nice. Blue is definitely your color.”

“Hasn’t that dress been hanging in your closet for three or four years?  It might be past its prime.”

“If I were you I’d take it off.  Please.”

“It might be nice if it still fit you.”

“Ugly.  I’ve always thought you found that dress on sale at a thrift shop.”

My temptation, and I hope yours, would be to respond with kind, rather than brutal, honesty.  Often the tricky question is how to mix the two.

A simple solution is always best, and two principles come into play.  First, lead with a positive statement.  Second, soften any (honest) negative.

“Darling, I’m glad you asked.  I like the style, but that shade of cobalt isn’t my favorite.”

“Honey, you look beautiful in any dress.  But I think the red outfit suits you a little bit better.”

Or just be vulnerable.  Admit your predicament.True-kind-buddha-peopletools

“Fashion isn’t my expertise, and I don’t want to offend you in any way.  I’m an accountant. Ask me ‘What’s two plus two.’”

“As you know, I’m sometimes not very diplomatic, but I’m happy to be seen with you no matter what.”

In our society we value honesty and directness.  I suggest, however, that when you cannot locate the channel between honesty and kindness you come down on the side of nurturing your relationship.  You might recognize that the actual question behind the words, “Honey, do you like this dress,” is really, “Honey, I’m a little insecure right now.  Do you love me?”  And the clear, kind, and authentic reply to the underlying question is simply this:

“Darling, I don’t have a helpful opinion about the dress, but I want you to know that, to me you’re beautiful, I’m happy to go anywhere with you, and I’m even happier to come home with you every night.  I love you.”

Alan

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My Delightful Four Day 76th Birthday Party

by Alan C. Fox 9 Comments

Alan-FunGlasses-76BdaySeveral days ago, on March 5, 2016, I celebrated my 76th birthday.  Actually, I celebrated from March 3rd through March 6th.  Why not enjoy a good thing for as many days as possible?

Since my actual birthday was on Saturday, and I was going to be out of the office on Friday, my celebration began on Thursday, March 3rd.  My office staff decorated my office with balloons and a banner, we enjoyed a lovely lunch together in our conference room, and at two-thirty in the afternoon an ice cream truck showed up. I’m still a kid at heart, but the adult in me finished most, not all, of a banana split.

On Friday I flew from Los Angeles to New York City, enjoyed a pleasant dinner in the upstairs dining room of, “21,” and saw Arthur Miller’s play The Crucible on Broadway from a great fifth row seat.  The show was still in previews, but I predict it will win several Tony awards.

IMG_1757Saturday afternoon of my birthday weekend I bought a front row seat to a performance of the musical Les Miserable.  This is my favorite light opera, and I have seen it about eight times. The first time I saw it in Los Angeles many years ago, and I sat in the last row of the orchestra.  I didn’t enjoy it much.  Years later I saw Les Miz again in London from the third row.  It was great.  The next time I saw it in London I sat in the balcony and the performance was okay.  Are you seeing a pattern? I always enjoy a theatrical experience far more when I’m sitting in one of the first five rows, and much less if I’m seated further back. That makes sense. How involved would you be in our conversation if we were fifty feet apart using megaphones?

Following the afternoon performance on Saturday, I enjoyed dinner at The Robert restaurant overlooking Central Park.  Excellent view, excellent service, excellent food.

I worked off a small part of my dinner with a brisk six block walk to see the Saturday evening performance of Fiddler on the Roof.  Outstanding dancing and the actor portraying the lead role of Tevia was even better than in the original production.  Have I mentioned that I cried throughout Les Miz, and more than a few times in Fiddler?

Are you exhausted yet?  Not me.  Sunday morning I flew to Las Vegas, hired a car for the two hour drive to Death IMG_1751Valley (below sea level) to see for myself the unusual flower bloom.  I thoroughly enjoyed my day, including several hikes to the surreal sights unique to Death Valley.

Finally a quick lunch at Panda Express, the scenic drive back to Las Vegas for a quick flight back to Los Angeles and, my favorite part of every vacation, arriving at my home where I answered a number of emails that had accumulated over the weekend.

My thoughts about my four-day 76th birthday party?  I enjoy the ride, no matter what my age.

You don’t have to wait for a special event to love every single day of your life.

Alan

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