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One of the more important lessons I’ve learned in life is that we all walk unique but parallel paths. Each of us is truly one of a kind. We have different preferences, worldviews, and tastes.  I’ve even heard of some people who dislike chocolate ice cream.  Now that is really strange.

And even if you and I speak the same language, we certainly will have different vocabularies and emotional associations.  When I think of New York City I think of seeing plays on Broadway.  You might associate New York City with 9/11, or the New York Mets, or high rents.

To paraphrase Zelda Fitzgerald, we each cling to our own innards.  And I say we must realize this, and walk in the other person’s moccasins in order to have the best possible relationship with them.

It is important to my friend Gina that she knows in advance when someone will arrive at her home.  She doesn’t like to be surprised.  I always call her in advance.  Her husband, Kevin, doesn’t care who shows up or when, but he doesn’t like to be abandoned.  So Kevin needs to know when someone is leaving his home.  I make it a point to always say “goodbye” to Kevin.  Neither Gina nor Kevin is “right” or “wrong” here. There is just a huge difference in how they think about visitors to their home.

There is an amusing, and not uncommon, scene in the movie Annie Hall. Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown on opposite sides of a split screen while each one is in a separate therapy session. The two therapists ask their clients how often they make love.

“Hardly ever,” says Woody Allen. “Maybe three times a week.” “Constantly,” says Diane Keaton. “At least three times a week.” Again there is no “right” or “wrong” here, just a different reaction to the same facts.

I prefer communicating in writing, which is why I receive and answer more than two hundred e-mails on most business days. My friend Gary is verbal—he talks on his cell phone constantly and always has to recharge his cell phone in the afternoon.

A friend of mine, Hugo, married Lauren, and they moved into their present home twenty years ago. She put all of her possessions in closets and drawers within three days. Hugo still has many of his possessions in boxes — in the garage.

Finally, we all have different fears. I am terrified of high places such as cliffs, but I have never been afraid of money. Years ago the idea struck me that many people climb mountains and are not in the least afraid of high places, while others have such great fear around money that they won’t even talk about it. I then realized that all of my fears are personal to me, just as your fears are personal to you.  Few of our fears are universal.

Although you inevitably bring your own experience and understanding to every human interaction, you can’t automatically assume that I am exactly like you. Sooner or later each of us has to learn to recognize, respect, and, hopefully, enjoy our differences. Our relationships with our partners, our children, and our friends are more satisfying and successful when we do. I raised my children differently than the way my grandchildren are being raised.  I do not interfere.

Though we all live on the same planet, we can never walk completely in each other’s footsteps, even if we are family. We follow Parallel, not Identical, Paths.

Chocolate ice cream, anyone?

Alan

I used to believe that if I had to ask you for something then even if you gave me what I asked for it was worthless. If you really cared for me you would gladly give me whatever I needed without my having to go to the trouble of actually asking.

Just how logical is this idea? Let’s give it a try. Take a few seconds, close your eyes, and then tell me what I want right now.

All right. Time’s up. Did you figure it out? If you didn’t read my mind correctly should I conclude that you don’t really care about me?

Of course not. But am I alone in this mindreading belief?

Unfortunately, a lot of us have this expectation that when we are close to someone, they should be able to read our minds and give us what we want without our asking for it. Even if we know that is not realistic, we do it anyway. And because people can’t read each other’s minds it has a negative effect on relationships.

I have a solution. Why not help those around us out. Let’s ask for what we want directly? Wouldn’t we all be happier?

At my office everyone I work with performs extremely well, especially when I set clear expectations.  And at home I don’t mind asking for what I want. It significantly increases the chances that I will get it.

Then there is the flip side.  People sometimes want me to be a mind reader, and that works about as well as you might expect. One time my mother gave me two shirts for my birthday.  The next time I saw her I was wearing one of the shirts.

“What’s the matter,” she said.  “Don’t you like the other shirt?”

At an annual review in my office I always ask my employees to tell me what new salary they expect, and why.  I prefer to start there, rather than guessing, and being uncertain for the following year if they are really pleased, or really disappointed.

In contract law there is a concept of a “meeting of the minds.”  You agree to build a house for me.  I agree to pay you a fixed amount of money.  If I expect a furnished palace of ten thousand square feet, and you expect to provide a small wooden shack in my back yard, there would be no “meeting of the minds” and there could be no enforceable contract because the material details of our agreement are vastly different. There is a good reason for this and it is obvious when you think about it. That is why a good contract will have explicit specifications.

The bottom line is, if you want something, ask for it and be specific. No more mind reading. Don’t expect others to know what it is you are thinking. That sets everyone up for failure. For happier, more successful relationships, open your mind and give this idea a try.

And I’d really love it if you let me know how it works. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Alan

Imagine you have wanted your partner or spouse to change their behavior for a long time.  And one fine day, as if by magic, they do.  For example, they finally take out the trash without being reminded.

How should you respond?

Last Friday I appeared on the “The Social,” a popular national television show in Canada. I wrote a chapter “Catch Them Being Better” in my book People Tools for Love and Relationships. On “The Social” I mentioned, as I had in my book, that to encourage repeat behavior you should thank your partner and praise him or her because everyone responds to approval.

What ensued was a fun and lively discussion.  And one of the panel members questioned me.

“Alan, it feels so much better for me to say to my husband, ‘It’s about time you took out the trash!’”

I agree.  It does feel better to express your accumulated frustration and say, “It’s about time.  Why didn’t you take out the trash without my having to remind you for years?  You know how much it means to me.  You’ve been ignoring me for a long time.”

Yes, it certainly feels better, in the moment, to release your pent up irritation and criticize your partner for not complying sooner.  But I ask you this:  Do you want to feel better right now by airing your resentment, or do you want your partner to continue taking out the trash?  That’s the choice you face – do you want to indulge yourself now, or have a better relationship tomorrow?

When you criticize or complain about your partner’s behavior he or she is likely to say, if only to himself or herself, “I finally took out the trash and now I’m getting slammed.   Well, I’m never going to take out the trash again.”

So, which is more important to you – expressing your displeasure, and discouraging the behavior you have longed for, or expressing your appreciation and encouraging a repeat performance?  I’ll take the “appreciation” option because I want my relationship to be better in the future.  I like to get what I want, and my saying, “That’s great.  I appreciate it.  Thank you.” will go much further than giving in to a natural, but thoughtless, instinct to respond, “It’s about time!”

My suggestion does take a bit of self-control, sacrificing temporary satisfaction for long term reward.  But delaying your gratification is helpful in so many aspects of your life – saving money rather than spending it right away will lead to a more fruitful financial life, and eating properly might significantly improve your health. So delayed gratification is an excellent life skill to both learn and practice.

We have all established many habits during our lifetimes.  Today is a good day to begin questioning a few of your long-held assumptions, defer a little gratification, and pay more attention to a new technique that will improve all of your relationships, and your life.

I want to give a special thank you to the lovely ladies of “The Social” for inviting me to be a guest on their show and for giving me a chance to share my thoughts with them and their audience.

Alan