Today a friend asked me for some advice on how to deal with a problematic client who refused to pay a deposit on a real estate purchase. My friend made the deposit for her himself.
“Should I tell her that next time if she doesn’t make a deposit I won’t do business with her?”
I flinched because “doesn’t” and “won’t” are words that, as much as possible, I have eliminated from my vocabulary. I advised my friend to make the same point, but in a positive way by saying, “The instant you make a deposit I will send your offer to the listing broker.”
One of the biggest and best kept secrets about how to get along well with anyone is simply this: Communicate positively.
Who would you rather do business with? Someone who consistently says “won’t” or someone who says “I’d be happy to”? For me the answer is clear, and extends far beyond business. I like to spend time with people who are positive.
Suppose you call your mother to share an article you think she’d be interested in, “Mom, I just read this great blog that I think you would enjoy.” But instead of thanking you, she says, “Why would I like that? We don’t have the same taste.” You might feel rejected and resolve to never again suggest that your mother read anything. Instead of feeling closer to her, as you intended, you would undoubtedly feel more distant.
But suppose your mother replies, “You always have such good suggestions. I’d love to read the blog. Thanks.” That response is positive and encouraging.
My wife and I often invite my father to join us when we plan to see a movie. Walking back to our car I generally ask him how he liked it. Sometimes his answer is, “I really enjoyed spending the evening with you. Thanks for asking me out.”
This reply tells me that Dad probably didn’t care for the movie, but he is communicating in a positive manner that encourages us to ask him out again. He offers praise and thanks. That works wonders for our relationship.
Many of us have unconsciously fallen into the “Negative” trap. I know a woman who initially says “No” to any invitation. Then, after talking about it, she often changes her reply to “Yes.” But the damage has been done. Whoever made the offer feels rejected and unhappy, even though her final answer was affirmative.
As an experiment, I suggest that you listen carefully to the words you say, and take another look when you write your next text or email. Then change each “won’t” or “doesn’t” to “will” or “does.” Stay away from “not.” This is not hard to do. Oops. I mean, this is easy to do. But you may need to increase your awareness of how you communicate.
I have one related suggestion. When I am positive, some people think I’m just being polite, so they give me another chance to lay the “No” word on them. They will ask, “Are you sure?”
My answer is always the same. “Yes, I’m sure. I may not be right, but I am sure.”
To borrow a tag line from a TV ad many years ago, “Try it. You’ll like it.”
So will everyone you come into contact with, and your popularity will soar.
I’m positive.
Alan
When he was young, one of my sons told me, “Dad, the secret of getting along with other people is to always be sincere. If you can fake that, you have it made.” I’m not going to comment on his statement (which was intended as a joke) other than to say that faking sincerity is not the best idea, even if you’re good at it. You might end up fooling yourself.