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Everyone who has traveled on a commercial airliner surely remembers the words, “In the event of a sudden loss in cabin pressure the oxygen masks will drop in front of you. Put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping your child or those around you.”

That makes sense.  How could I possibly help my eight-year-old child, or anyone else, if I am unconscious?

In a relationship each of us is a caretaker.  We read books to our children at night so they will learn stories and absorb language skills.  We console friends when they have lost a job or a relationship.  We will take an entire week off of work to assist a deteriorating parent who has encountered sudden medical needs.  We are happy to spend our own time and resources to help our partner acquire more education, or progress in his or her career.

But we are not invulnerable and, in our role as caretaker, any of us may falter if we fail to pay enough attention to our own needs first.

Taking care of your own needs first may seem counter-intuitive. It may even seem selfish, and, in fact, it is selfish.  I see nothing wrong in that, because only by taking correct and consistent care of yourself can you can continue to fully support those you love.

Robert, a friend of mine, had always helped his many friends, employees, and customers by sharing his time, advice, and money.  He was widely considered to be extremely generous, and others constantly turned to him in their time of need.  But, through no fault of his own, during the “Great Recession” which began in 2008, Robert lost half of his considerable net worth.

At lunch one day he confided in me.  “Alan, I don’t know what to do.  If my business continues to decline the way it has during the past year or two I’m going to be in violation of loan agreements with my bank, run out of money, and my entire company could be lost to bankruptcy.  But I don’t want to abandon anyone.”

“So you don’t want to appear to be selfish,” I said.

Robert corrected me.  “I don’t want to be selfish,” he said.

“You’re right.”  I sat and pondered.  “You seem to have a serious problem, and I don’t have a ready answer for you.  I’m going to have to think about this one.”

The following week I invited Robert to an early morning coffee at Starbucks.

“Is your business going any better?”

“I’m afraid not.  If anything, my order book has gone from bad to worse in just this past week.  And in ten days I will have to put a lot of new money into three separate projects.  It will take every bit of my remaining cash.”

“What if you don’t?”

“My company has been working on each of these projects for nearly two years.  If I don’t put in more money now, they will all have to be abandoned.  That’s unthinkable”

I briefly remembered Sunk Cost theory.  “Robert, I repeat.  What if you don’t?”

“Then I will have lost an investment of millions of dollars for myself and my investors, and we’ll lose a great profit opportunity in the future. Even worse, I would have to lay off ten or twelve of my best people.  Some of them have been with me for ten or fifteen years.  How will they provide for their families?”

“Robert, you have to save yourself first.”

“Alan, I want to.  Believe me, I want to.”  He seemed near tears.  “I’ve never had to let people go before.”

I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Robert, I truly sympathize.  If I had the money I would give it to you in a minute.  But these are tough times for all of us, and if you don’t take care of yourself first you may not to be in a position to take care of anyone for years to come.  It’s like what you hear as part of the safety instructions before every airplane flight.

He looked at me curiously.  Then he nodded in agreement.

“Put on your own oxygen mask first,” he said.

“Robert, you got it.  Exactly.”

We hugged when we left the coffee shop.

I’m happy to report that Robert found enough money to fund the most important, and largest, of his three projects.  One of his employees took early retirement, after admitting to Robert that she had wanted for years to travel around the world.  Other employees accepted a reduced salary in return for a share in the new venture they were working on.

Today that project is the most successful division in Robert’s business, and two more of his now former employees are traveling the world in comfort.

To paraphrase a quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln, “You can help some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you cannot help all of the people all of the time.”

You have to take proper care of yourself and, when the need arises, put on your own oxygen mask first.

Alan

How do you respond when a friend asks you for a favor? While this situation may seem quite ordinary, your answer actually says a lot about the level of trust between the two of you.

When asked for a favor, most of us will reply, “It depends on what you want.”  After all, an immediate “Yes” seems like signing a blank check on which the other person can fill in whatever amount they like.  Despite this possibility, I decided years ago that I would always answer with a smile and say, “Sure.  I would be happy to do you a favor.”

Have I ever been sorry?  Has anyone ever asked for a loan of ten thousand dollars?  Or to borrow my new car for a two-week road trip across the country?  Or to help them rob a bank?  These things have never happened.  Not once.  I find that people who ask me for a favor always have a clear idea of what I will and will not do for them. I have never had to change my answer or turn anyone down.

By saying “Sure,” even before I know what the favor is, they know that I trust them to ask me for something reasonable.  Trust is the indispensable glue that connects us to each other. It is the same glue that holds our entire society together.

Think about it.  If I didn’t trust other drivers I would never ride in a car.  If I didn’t trust a pilot I would never board an airplane.  If I didn’t trust my bank I would keep cash under my mattress.  (This assumes that I trust the government to back up their promise that my dollar bills will be worth something.)  Every day we trust people we have never met.  So why shouldn’t I trust a friend?

But the issue goes deeper than that.  When someone asks for a favor, to me the underlying question is really this:  “Do I trust myself?”  Do I trust that I will be able to deal appropriately with a situation in which I may have to reverse myself even after previously saying “Sure”?

When we get married we each say “I do,” and we mean it.  We intend to be together for the rest of our lives.  For better or for worse.  For richer or for poorer.  But sometimes we can’t keep that commitment. Very few decisions in life are final.

Of course, there are some people who just plain lie.  They borrow money with no intention of repaying it.  They promise to meet you for lunch but cancel if a better opportunity comes along.  They accept a job, then quit two weeks later.

This is why trust grows between two people only with time and experience.  Every successful encounter creates greater confidence. This is why large companies spend billions of dollars to establish their brands. They are building trust with the consumer. We trust Apple, or MacDonald’s, or Jiff Peanut Butter based upon our previous experiences.  Or we don’t trust them.  Our personal experience, favorable or unfavorable, is what counts.

I choose to trust other people, including strangers, but I also keep in mind the words of Ronald Reagan who, when talking about a treaty with a foreign power, said, “Trust, but verify.”

I choose to be open to new people and new experiences.  I like to say, “Sure.”  I enjoy opening new doors to intimacy and adventure.  My policy has worked well for me and for those who know me.  It can also open doors for you.

So will you please do me a favor?  Next time someone asks for a favor, seize the opportunity.  Smile and say, “Sure.  I’d be happy to.”

Thanks.

Alan