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Alan C. FoxAuthor. Entrepreneur. Game-changer.
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How to Be the Right Person

by Alan C. Fox 3 Comments

 

Right-Person-PeopleToolsMy childhood fairy tale was to grow up, fall in love, then get married and live happily ever after.  My parents were married for more than fifty years.  When I was young I seldom heard a harsh word between them.  Mom and Dad seemed to prove that the fairy tale was real.

Alas, for me, after ten years of marriage to my high school sweetheart Jo Anne, the “happily ever after” part was shredded by conflict.

Then I met Jill.  We lived “happily ever after” for three years.

Next I met and married Susan.  It took four years for “happily ever after” to fade into a vague memory.

After breaking up with Jo Anne and Jill I knew the problem was simple.  I had chosen the wrong person.  But when Susan and I tumbled off the precipice of divorce I began to realize that the problem was not Susan.  Or Jo Anne.  Or Jill.  The problem was me.  At that point I decided it was more important for me to be the right person than to find the right person.

This is when another of my favorite fairy tales fell apart.  I had expected to find my “one and only.”  Yet I had met not one, but three “one and only’s.”

Right-Person-PeopleTool-2Today I realize that I could be perfectly happy, or unhappy, with any one of ten thousand one and only’s.  I know this isn’t romantic, but based upon my personal experience it is true.  By putting more energy into being the right person than into finding the right person I have been married to Daveen for 35 years.

How do I seek to “be” the right person in a relationship?

  1. I have to be authentic.  I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not for the sake of winning favor. I don’t act as if I want to travel if, in reality, what I really want to do at the end of each day is fall asleep in my own bed.
  2. I recognize I am not the right person for everyone. Daveen likes me as I am.  Mostly.
  3. I need a partner who is authentic with me.  Daveen was recently at the wedding of Bob and Ellen.  Immediately after the ceremony Bob’s new “one and only (but not for very long)” said to him, “Now I never have to set foot on your damned sailboat again.”  Neither Daveen nor I want to own a sailboat.  In fact, she says that “camping out” is when the hotel does not have twenty-four hour room service.
  4. We each need to be clear about our needs and expectations.  Thirty-five years ago Daveen and I discussed our living together basics.  We verified that we shared similar values, interests, and a vision for our long-term happiness.  At night, for example, we like to go to bed at the same time.
  5. I practice the art of compromise with a smile.  I know that Daveen does not find me to be perfect.  This is not a secret.  She has told me so personally.  More than once.  I am not able to provide everything Daveen wants, and neither of us is going to gain every single thing we want from our marriage, or from our lives.  We have to compromise and be cheerful about the concessions we make.
  6. I look at the positives in our marriage through a telescope.  I look at the negatives through the other end of the telescope.
  7. We each have outside interests and friendships.  Few people do well together 24/7, even on the beach in Hawaii.

In order to give life direction and meaning, each of us needs a dream.  But to help our dream come true we must seek not only to find the right person, but also to be the right person.

Alan

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The Best Defense Is No Defense

by Alan C. Fox 0 Comments

 

hearts-PeopleToolsWhen I think of defense I think of forts in the 19th century American West, where pioneers huddled, protected from attack by walls and the U.S. army.  I think of castles in England, with drawbridges, gates, and moats.  I think of Neighborhood Watch groups, trying to spot potential intruders and keep them out of the neighborhood. Defense, by definition, is designed to keep others away or chase them off.

Years ago I read an excellent book, Do I Have to Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? written by Jordan and Margaret Paul. As it turns out, I attended elementary school with Margaret, then known as Margie.  The book suggests a skill which I highly recommend, and, at times, even use myself.

When someone at work or at home has a problem with me (which, of course, is almost never J), Margie’s book suggests that I can respond with either “an intent to learn,” or “an intent to defend.”  In other words, I can hide in my castle shooting arrows and pouring boiling oil to keep the invader out, or I can roll down the drawbridge, open up my heavy gates, and invite the trespasser in for dinner.

Which would you prefer?  Suppose you have invited me to dinner at your home, and I am an hour late, with no explanation or apology.  After a few moments of strained pleasantries, you might say, “Alan, you were an hour late.  I was concerned.”

I might play defense:

“I wasn’t late.  This is the time you invited me for.”

“You know I’m usually late.  You should have expected it.”

“The last two times I invited you to dinner at my home you were half an hour late, so I’m just getting even.”

“Since when is being late a big deal?”

“Traffic was terrible.  And I lost your phone number.  And the dog ate my cell phone.  And I ran out of gas.  And your house is hard to find.  And you didn’t tell me that it was important for me to be on time.  And I wasn’t hungry.  And my mother died this morning.”

In other words, I can tell you that I did nothing to offend you, and suggest that, somehow, you are at fault.

If I do this, will you invite me to dinner again anytime soon?  I wouldn’t. And not because of lateness, but because of defensiveness.  I wouldn’t feel that you heard me, and, more importantly, I would feel that you would probably do the same thing over again.  I would be downright angry with you.

But suppose that instead of defending myself I said, “Please say more.”

Do-Things-Kindness-PeopleTools“I spent hours preparing a special dinner, which has now been in the oven too long and is probably dry.  I also worried that you had been in an auto accident and were killed or injured.  And my husband is upset with me because his friends had to wait so long.”

“Thanks for telling me.  I have no excuse, I appreciate your invitation, and if you were an hour late, I would be concerned and feel the same way you do.  If I am ever late again I promise to call you.  My behavior is inexcusable.”

“Thanks.  Let’s sit down and enjoy dinner.”

If you value either friendships or intimacy, I suggest that the best defense is no defense at all.  I invite you to permanently demolish the walls of your fortress, swing your castle gates open, and ask strangers you may find wandering around your neighborhood how you can help them.

Alan

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Emotion Trumps Intellect (or Does it?)

by Alan C. Fox 6 Comments

 

emotion-trumps-intellect-peopletoolsEvery decision you make, whether to move to a new city or to decline bread at dinner, is based upon your emotions, your intellect, or a combination of both. My own decisions are based upon my emotions, verified by my intellect. When the decision is a close one, I reach a more satisfying result when I allow my feelings to prevail.

My father on the other hand, believes that intellect trumps emotion. And his approach has worked rather well for him.

Dad and I have enjoyed our running difference of opinion on this issue for years, and while we don’t agree, Dad’s view can be the right one for many people and in many situations.

I’m going to present both sides of our argument and let you decide.

EMOTION TRUMPS INTELLECT?

When my son Craig moved to Raleigh-Durham he asked me to help him find a home. On the first day of looking the realtor showed us seven houses. That evening Craig said, “Dad, you didn’t give me an opinion on any of the houses we saw today. Did you like any of them?”

“Craig, your job is to find a house you love. If I love it and you don’t, you shouldn’t buy it. If you love it, then I’ll give you my opinion and help you with the real estate details. Until you find a house you love, my opinion is irrelevant.”

The next day we found a house that Craig loved. I believe that when you find something, or someone you love, you should go for it immediately. So I insisted that we visit the owner that evening. Craig presented his offer, the owner negotiated, and within an hour we agreed on the terms of a sale. Emotion Trumps Intellect.

Recently, my daughter Jill saw a rescue dog she instantly loved. Jill’s family already owns two dogs, but she has seldom loved a dog at first sight before. That dog now lives happily with her in Northern California. Emotion triumphed.

I remember the first time I saw my wife Daveen out of the corner of my eye at her workplace many years ago. At that time I said to myself, “Wow. I could love that woman.” I didn’t know if she was married or single. I only felt “Wow.” No intellect. Just emotion.

INTELLECT TRUMPS EMOTION?

My father taught me a great deal about real estate investment when I was young. He always said, “Look at the numbers first. Never be seduced by ‘pride of ownership.’ If the numbers work, make an offer. Only look at the property once you have a deal.” My dad’s advice has been extremely valuable. When buying commercial real estate, I keep my emotions out of the decision until after my intellect has evaluated the investment.

I have spent more than forty-five years buying and selling commercial real estate. Over the years my dad’s advice has helped me to avoid the emotional trap we all can fall into of “I want this now.”

Once I did not follow my father’s advice and I visited the property first. It was the lovely 301 unit Governor’s Square apartments in downtown Sacramento. I liked it so much that I agreed to pay the asking price. I overpaid, lost money, and was lucky to get most of my investment back when I sold it four years later. This is the perfect example of a situation where I should NOT have let my emotions trump my intellect.

Dad is one hundred years, and has always lived by his principles. A few months ago he told me that he had read a newspaper article about Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, and Will Rogers.

“The article said that all three of these great men had one thing in common. They didn’t bear grudges. When Mandela came into power he did not show any resentment toward those who had imprisoned him for twenty-seven years.”

Then my dad announced, “I’m going to do the same. I’m not going to carry around grudges anymore.”

And, as always, his actions have matched his words. True to his word, Dad has learned to forgive and has now become much more complimentary and mellow.  When I was young he was a firebrand.

Dad’s intellect has trumped, or at least quarantined, his emotion. His longevity must be, at least in part, a testament to his eliminating emotional stress from his life. The man still has all of his wits, and I enjoy his company—including our running disagreements.

CrossRoads-PeopleToolsYOU DECIDE

Can intellect trump emotion? Should emotion overrule intellect? There are situations where a case could be made for either view. But ultimately these are questions which each of us must answer for ourselves. But the important thing is that you choose intentionally. Don’t let your emotions adversely impact sound business judgment, but don’t allow your intellect to prevent your finding joy in your life.  In other words, take a chance, but (maybe) not too big a chance.

Alan

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