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I am cruising down the Danube River on a brand new Viking River Cruises boat.  For me this is an ideal vacation for two reasons:

1.    It is reliable.  I will sleep in the same bed each night.  No need to check into different hotels.  I will savor my meals in the same dining room.  There is no pressure to search for a new restaurant every few hours.  I won’t have to pack and unpack, suffer through security at airports, or deal with unpredictable taxi drivers.  I will enjoy the reliability and comfort of the known.  That’s nice.

2.    It is also exciting.  I will visit a different town each day.  I can relax in my veranda chair and watch fresh scenery come into view.  I will experience both the thrill of discovery and the excitement of variety.  That’s nice too.

I like the combination of reliable and exciting.  But take my wife.  Please.  (Stolen from Henny Youngman.)  How do you achieve both reliability and excitement in the same relationship, especially over many years?

I have two tips.

First, make your relationship solid.  One way to do this is to trust your partner.

Most of us think of trust as something not entirely within our control because we have to trust another human being. No (other) human being is entirely predictable.  She might get sick at an inconvenient time.  He might run out of money when we really need it. You might lie because you want to avoid telling me the truth.  And I might lie to you.  Horrors!

We all tell lies. One study indicates that we tell as many as two or three lies every ten minutes.  I don’t really trust that one.  I do trust the study which concludes that most of us lie at least once or twice a day.

I don’t know that I can ever fully trust another human being, even after almost forty years of marriage, raising six children (and we all know you can’t fully trust the children – they are, and should be, busy looking out for themselves), and sleeping together in the same bed for ten thousand nights in a row (that’s a little more than twenty seven years).

So trust your partner as much as you can. Trust that he or she has good intentions.  If they don’t you shouldn’t be with them in the first place.

And it’s even more important to trust yourself.  Trust that you will be able to deal with difficult, unpredictable situations such as sickness and money problems if and when they arise.  And trust your partner to do the same.  That’s about as good as it gets in this life, both with your partner and with your cell phone service on the Danube river.

Second, after you trust, “let yourself go,” and ask your partner to both encourage you and to “let go” themselves.

You wouldn’t enjoy the identical dinner every night, without some variation – a different spice, or new desert.

I’m not suggesting that you try a different partner on one of those ten thousand nights, but I do suggest that you keep things fresh and interesting between the two of you.

Many women (and some men) have read at least part of the “Shades of Grey” trilogy.  It’s entertaining, but basically the same fantasy over and over.  That’s all right, but you can do even better.  You have an imagination.  And there are other books.

Create your own fantasies and encourage your partner to fulfill them. Then reciprocate. Your additional excitement will enhance your relationship and both of your lives.

With an outlook of both trust and fantasy you can cruise down the river of life in a partnership that is both reliable and exciting, and . . .  it’s late.  I’m tired.  I’m going to bed. 

Knock knock.

Alan  

One enchanted afternoon, I met my wife while I was shopping in a rare bookstore where she worked. As I walked past bookshelves filled with first editions, she barely caught my eye from where she was sitting behind a desk at the other end of the room.

“Yes!” a voice screamed inside my head. “This woman is for you!”

At that moment I didn’t know if she was married (she wasn’t). I didn’t know if she had a sense of humor (she did). I didn’t even know what she really looked like (I had caught only a brief glimpse). In short, I had no idea who this woman was. I only knew that I believed in love at first sight. I fell in love with the sizzle. I knew very little about the steak.

We often make major life decisions based on scant information. To do this we use symbolism, a valuable human shortcut. This process of acting on the sizzle is unavoidable, usually appropriate, and often crucial to our wellbeing. Many, if not most, of our actions are based upon symbols. That’s why the sizzle, and not the cow, sells the steak. The sizzle sounds and smells like something good to eat. In contrast, the cow evokes an image of milk and manure. (Of course, for non-meat eaters, even the sizzle of the steak may have no allure.)

I still remember watching the first Nixon-Kennedy debate on television. I was sure that JFK had won. So were most people who viewed the debate on TV. Nixon sported a five o’clock shadow and looked pale. But most people who listened to the debate on the radio thought it was even. Appearance was the sizzle, not the words.

Suppose you are lost in a foreign city and three complete strangers walk toward you. The first is a man with a three-day growth of beard. The second is a young woman pushing a baby in a stroller. The third is wearing a uniform. Which one will you approach to ask for help?

Unavoidably, your answer will depend upon your own personal symbolism. I would try either the young woman (“safe”) or the uniform (“authoritative”). I would avoid the scruffy man (“dangerous”).

I do not claim that I would make the best decision, but my choice, or yours, in any similar situation will be based entirely upon our respective personal symbolism, and not upon complete information. The unkempt man could be friendly and knowledgeable. The uniformed person might be ignorant or treacherous. The young woman could be reluctant to talk with a stranger. But, right or wrong, we act on the assumption that our symbols accurately represent the real thing.

Back at the rare bookstore, did I fall in love with my future wife because she reminded me of my mother? Because of the way she tilted her head? Because she seemed so involved in what she was doing? Yes to all of these symbols. I used my imagination to flesh her out from the limited information I had observed. I sensed that I “knew” her even though, of course, I did not.

Be aware of your personal symbolism.

Think of someone you know fairly well—your spouse, parent, or a friend. Would his or her reaction to various symbols be exactly the same as yours? Of course not. Each of us is different, yet we often assume that our personal symbolism is universal.

I believe in love at first sight. How could you possibly not?

How can anyone associate the word “computer” with “fear and loathing,” when it says to me “productivity and fun”?

When you buy a car, are you purchasing reliable transportation, or the design or hood ornament?

Do you only date men who are more than six feet tall?

Have you voted the straight Democratic (or Republican) ticket for your entire life? If your symbol of “Republican” or “Democrat” goes back to the days of Dwight D. Eisenhower and Adlai Stevenson, or even John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, take another look. Your symbolism might be out of date.

Symbols are a useful shortcut. They can tell you who is worth pursuing across a crowded room. They can suggest which food you might enjoy. But remember to remain consciously aware of your symbols and to see through or beyond them.

In building the life of your dreams you may marry a complex, surprising human being, who is more than just a gorgeous body, a Catholic, or a CPA. The stuff of your life is more than just an enticing sizzle or advertising promise. The sizzle is not the steak. But it is the sizzle, which we must recognize for what it is.

Alan