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Last week, one of my sons told me the following story.

A friend of his, I’ll call him Bob, went through a nasty divorce five years ago.

Several years later Bob met Ms. Right at an academic conference, and they began a long distance relationship.

Last year Bob and my son sat down for coffee. Bob said, “I’m really in love with her, but I’m tied to my job, and she shows no sign of wanting to move.  I don’t know what to do.”

My son shared advice from “Catching a Feather,” a chapter in one of my People Tools books, (further explored in my blog of August 5, 2014). For many of us this is one of the most difficult People Tools — simply to wait.  You cannot “catch a feather” by chasing it, and patience is often essential to achieve a dream in your life.

Last week my son received a wedding announcement from Bob and his fiancé. A hand-written note mentioned that “Catching a Feather” had worked, and he and his fiancé were now living together.

I was delighted at this tangible example that advice from my book had helped a couple achieve their dream.

I’ll tell you another story.

One day last week I left my office and was walking to my car when I noticed a girl or petite woman walking ahead of me.  Because she was turned the other way I never saw her face, but I could see that her right hand dangled awkwardly from her wrist as if she’d been injured.

As I watched, she pried open a trash container behind another building and began to search for food.

I couldn’t help but wonder what her story was. Where did come from? Did she have a place to live? Were there people who cared for her? The image of her rummaging through the trash pulling out half empty food containers stayed with me all night. Even now, I find myself thinking about her.

At the heart of our lives are the stories which connect us with each other.

Please share your stories.

Alan

In numbers we trust, mostly numbers with a dollar sign in front of them.  Isn’t that the American way?  The value of a bank account, a stock portfolio, or a house is our badge of success.  The value of a friendship is subjective, intangible, and difficult to measure.  (Caveat: everything you own, including the balance in your bank account and the clothes on your back, will one day “belong” either to someone else, or to no one.)

Numbers are objective.  Numbers are easy to understand.  We can search the internet for the cheapest airline ticket, the best “deal” on an electronic device, or to discover the average wage earned by others in our industry.

For many years I valued physical things more than intangibles.  A new pair of shoes was worth more than a vacation that left me with just photos and memories.  Unlike a new shoe, an “experience” could not be reused or resold. I preferred a Dodger souvenir ball cap over being at the ball game (unless someone else paid for my ticket).

In my thirties I began a transition.  I didn’t yet value events for their own sake, but I did start to attach numbers to experiences.

“That movie was a nine for me.  How was it for you?”  Or, “I’m at 80% for eating dinner at the Mexican restaurant.  If you rate the French café higher I’d be happy to go there.”

This was my way of trying to measure the comparative value of an experience, or a shared experience.  I feel comfortable with numbers, so the expression, “I really enjoyed our evening together” left me uncertain.  But the statement, “that was a ten,” gave me confidence.

Today, I have changed entirely and I find pleasure in experience.  Most “things” are now a burden.  My father, who died a year ago, was thrifty.  He always bought the cheapest theater seats available.  That was great for his checking account, but I prefer to sit in the front row and experience life up close and personal – both my life and yours.

When I contemplate my garden today I’m fulfilled.  In the past my enjoyment was always tempered by the thought, “But I won’t be able to see this beautiful garden forever, so why enjoy it now.” Gazing at my garden meant suffering potential loss.

But a few months ago, while noticing the return of Spring to the trees and flowers that surround my home, I understood how my thinking has evolved. It is true that I may not be able to enjoy this garden during future Springs.  All the more reason to appreciate the blossoms fully and in the moment.

Don’t fall in love, as I did, with bank accounts or tangibles.  They don’t love you back, and every single one of them is on an inevitable march to the junk heap, together with each of us.

This leaves me valuing my garden, my memories, and experiences with my friends and family more than ever.

Truly, the Treasure is the Pleasure.

Alan

Each Tuesday morning since 2013 I’ve published a new blog post. In several early entries I referred to “finding your niche” in life, which I will explore today in greater detail.

Some people love their work and continue doing it throughout their lives.  Will and Ariel Durant were awarded the Pulitzer Price for General Nonfiction in 1928.  Then they published The Story of Civilization, an eleven volume work created over a forty year span – between 1935 and 1975.  Clearly Will and Ariel shared a passion for historical research and writing.

I know several others who, like the Durants, have found their niche in life. Two are close friends — a yoga teacher, and a tenured university professor. Another runs his own business.  (That would be me.)

There are three magical elements to finding your niche.

First, pay attention to what you really like to do.  As Mark Twain wrote, “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”

One of my teenage grandsons loves sports.  Since he will never be a top athlete, he is determined to become a great sports agent.  More power to him.

Second, pick an activity that you’re good at.  For several years my brother David was the Real Estate Commissioner for the state of California.  After that he earned a Master’s Degree in Counseling.

The day of his graduation David said to me, “Alan, I don’t want to sit in my office all day long, listening while people tell me their problems.”

“David, you’ve studied counseling for three years.  What did you think therapists do?”

“I’ve decided to teach other MFCC candidates how to pass the written and oral exams.”

My brother found his niche. He’d discovered something he really liked and he was also very good at. An insightful teacher, he successfully helped his many clients to pass their exams.  Our father, a former studio musician, became one of the best wind instrument teachers in the world, and continued to teach until he was 104.

The third and final element to finding your niche is to be persistent.  My fantasy when I was young was to discover one product, run one magazine ad, and in one month have sales of one million dollars with a margin of 50% so that I could retire on my half million dollar profit.

Fantasies aside, in real life I have found no short cuts to success.  Whether it’s running a business, becoming a writer, or investing in the stock market, success takes time, practice and perseverance.  After all, even Warren Buffet did not start out managing billions of dollars.

So while you have the time while hanging out at home, you might think about what you really like to do, what you are good at, and whether it is something at which you are eager to persevere.

Find your niche, or your new niche, and occupy it.

Good hunting.

Alan