Couples, Conflict, and Compromise

For those of us who live with another human being, especially when it’s 24/7, we need to think about the issue of conflict and compromise.  I believe I have a unique view on this that most couples would find helpful.

All of us have core issues – those personal needs we will not compromise. I think of these as “deal-breakers.”   Some of my core issues are:

1. No drinking to excess.
2. No physical or emotional violence.  In other words, “fight fair.”
3. Spending a certain amount of undivided time together almost every day.

I will not compromise any of my core values. From my perspective, core issues, once identified, are easy to deal with.  If my partner disagrees with mine, or I disagree with hers, then we’re not compatible as partners.  This may be easier said than done, but it should be both said, and done.

All other issues are preferences that can be negotiated.  You might be a vegan while I’m an omnivore.  You might prefer to eat dinner at 8:00 while I favor 5:30.  You might like to talk to many people on the phone every day while I communicate by email. I see no reason why I should even attempt to coerce you into changing your preferences.  To me that would be a fool’s errand and cause unnecessary conflict.

The best way to avoid conflict is to be as flexible as you can, and to accept your partner “as is.”  That’s easy to do when the flower of love first blooms.  It’s not so easy when the petals begin to drop from the rose.

After living for 80 years, I no longer believe that there is a “right” or “wrong” way to do anything.  There are just preferences.  I may be comfortable with clutter.  You might prefer to organize and label every box, can, and bottle in the pantry. Personally, I really like everything to be physically organized. I just don’t like to do it myself.  (I have learned over the years, however, that it’s best for everyone, including me, when I throw my own clothes in the hamper at the end of the day.)

One constructive piece of advice I offer to anyone in a relationship, is to actively try, when possible, to minimize conflict.  When you realize that differences are just inclinations, and not the end of the world, you become easier to live with and disputes tend to dissipate.

It is said that compromise is when both sides are unhappy with the result.  In politics that may be the way it has to be.  Just pass the legislation, or not, and move on.  But in my life why would I want to continually make compromises that I’m unhappy with or that become the source of unhappiness for my partner?  That’s why I favor cooperation, rather than compromise.  Let’s both be as flexible as we possibly can, and share compliments rather than criticism.  I’m thinking of the title of a book I read years ago, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and It’s All Small Stuff.

I enjoy being part of a couple.  I love caring and being cared for.  But I have to do my part first, and trust my partner to reciprocate.

I hope Daveen reads this and realizes how wonderful I am.

Alan