The foundation of every successful long-term relationship is trust.

Recently I have been negotiating a large business transaction with Jim, a man I met a year ago.  When I am not especially happy with the terms that Jim has offered I ask myself if he is taking a “negotiating” position. A negotiating position is one in which a person asks for more than he or she wants.  This is a typical business strategy.  “Ask for the moon, accept some cheese.”  But, with Jim, I don’t feel that I have to be “on guard” because I trust him.  I trust him because I have known him to be flexible, and Jim has always kept his word to me.

Today Jim interpreted one term of our potential agreement differently than what I had intended.  I believe that his interpretation was reasonable because I wasn’t entirely clear in my communication to him.  In a few minutes we reached a compromise which was satisfactory to us both.  That is how good business relationships work.

In a marriage or other intimate relationship the issue of trust lurks behind every word, every gesture, every separation.  Who did your partner have lunch with?  Why did they arrive home twenty minutes late?  Do they really like my favorite shoes?  There is always the question, whether spoken or unsaid: “How deeply can I really trust you?”  The depth of a relationship can be no greater than the depth of your mutual trust.

But, alas, we are talking about people here, and I have never met a human being, including myself, who is completely trustable.  Each of us contains the possibility of deceit, weakness, or even untimely death.  If I can never be certain that I will see you again, how can I completely trust you to always be there?  Because you are human, and humans are fallible (and mortal), I cannot.  Because I am human I cannot even completely trust myself.  This often goes unsaid, and without consciousness or intent we protect our hearts from the inevitability of disappointment.  This is why, to a greater or lesser degree, we hold ourselves apart from one another.

I suggest that my trust for Jim, or for my most intimate partner, does not entirely depend upon them.  My most sacred trust depends entirely on me.

Do I trust myself to survive, and even prosper, after someone I trust has betrayed me?  That is the real question.  But, as I said above, because I am human it is not possible for me to completely trust myself.  Even so, I accept that condition of uncertainty as a part of the warp and woof of this universe, and I choose to trust myself even as know that my trust is, inevitably, a delusion.

So I trust you to take what I say in the sprit in which it is intended, because our mutual trust will allow us to move closer to each other, and deeply enrich each other’s lives.

I can trust you because I choose to trust myself.

I am always willing to be the first to say, “I love you.”

Alan

Your friends, your children, and your partner in life are not exactly the same as you.

Many years ago I read a book which reported that people from different cultures have different preferences in how far apart to stand when having a conversation.  One may prefer to stand three feet from you, a second may favor two feet, and a third may position him or herself close enough to breathe in your face.  There is no “right” or “wrong” here, merely a difference.  You might remember this when you find yourself talking to someone, perhaps from a different country, who keeps moving closer to you while you keep moving away, or who moves away while you keep chasing them to get closer.

One of the most critical aspects in maintaining a good relationship is to discover the differences between you and your partner and to honor them.  It’s an even better idea to discuss and discover any important differences before you enter into a committed relationship.

Tom, a friend of mine, loves chocolate ice cream.  His wife Becky prefers vanilla.  Their daughter, Lisa, is allergic to milk products and doesn’t eat ice cream at all.  Tom has learned that when celebrating Becky’s birthday he should serve vanilla ice cream.  For Lisa, chocolate chip cookies are welcome.  Tom no longer assumes that everyone loves chocolate ice cream as much as he does.

A central but almost invisible difference in a relationship is how much emotional distance is preferred by each partner.  On a deep level each of us most fears either engulfment or abandonment.  At your core you will find inside yourself one, or perhaps both, of these fears.  But it may be tricky to discover which one is primary, as it can only be observed through your actions.

For example, Annie fears engulfment.  She doesn’t like unexpected visits from outsiders to her home.  When they were first married Phil didn’t realize this.  He would sometimes bring a friend home with him without any notice.  When this happened Annie was chilly to Phil, and after the friend left they would have a huge fight.  Phil felt rejected, and spent the night in the basement.  It was years before Phil realized that Annie needed notice in order to feel emotionally secure when someone other than Phil walked through the front door.

The reason it took Phil so long to understand Annie’s fear is because he is the opposite.  Phil fears abandonment.  He feels unloved and desolate if Annie leaves their home without saying “goodbye.”  In the beginning, when he couldn’t find her, he was anxious and called her cell phone.  This irritated Annie because she felt that Phil was clingy and didn’t trust her.

Fear is often irrational, and always personal.  I’m afraid to ride on a ski lift or gondola.  I hold my breath because I’m terrified the cable might break and I’ll fall to my death.  Yet many people ride ski lifts without concern.

It took many years for Annie and Phil to discover that she had a fear of engulfment and he had a fear of abandonment.  Now Phil always calls Annie to let her know when he expects to bring a guest home.  And Annie always gives Phil a hug and says “goodbye” before leaving to go shopping.

Engulfment or Abandonment?  You can live happily together with this and many other differences, but only after you each discover what is behind some of your “odd” behaviors.

Would anyone like a scoop of Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch?  I’ll take two.

Alan