“I decide my life when I do not understand.  I understand my life in living those decisions.”  Alan Fox, Age 18

Success and failure in our lives is largely determined by the quality of our predictions, and each of us makes many predictions every single day, especially for the New Year which is approaching.

Most of those predictions are about relatively minor issues with short term implications such as what to eat for lunch or which movie to see.  There’s not too much upside, or downside, either way.

But there are many important predictions we make that will significantly impact the quality of our lives for the long term. For example, whether to stay at or leave your present job, or, if you decide to make a change, which new job to accept.  Other big issues are who (or whether) to marry, how to plan for your retirement (or not), or whether to have children.  In these areas your decisions will have a major impact for many years.

So how can you make good predictions? How can any of us predict the success or failure of our decisions when there is so much that can happen to influence the outcome that is beyond our control?

My suggestion is to pay attention to the information that you can or should know when making important predictions. Consider all of the known possibilities. What consequences are likely to result from your decision? What is a foreseeable outcome? If you choose to ignore a likely result or a known risk you have only yourself to blame for making a poor prediction and, consequently, a decision which turns out badly.

When I was young, despite pleas from my mother, I made a decision to not brush my teeth regularly.  I predicted that I was unlikely to ever experience tooth decay. Also, despite advice from my dentist, I decided not to floss, again a bad prediction. Although I subsequently changed my practices and began to brush regularly and also to use a water pik, the consequences of my earlier predictions had already taken effect. I recently needed to have three teeth removed because of bone decay. Actions, or inactions, have consequences.

If you ignore available information you will more likely make a bad prediction. If you know that the man you are dating cheated on his last three partners then should you make a prediction that he will remain loyal to you? If you are quitting your job to take new employment with a company that has an extremely high turnover rate should you expect a secure future at that company? If you are investing with a money manager who has never delivered good returns should you trust him with your retirement?

I also suggest that you pay attention to patterns. I used to bet on sporting events.  Years ago I was in Las Vegas during the Super Bowl and I placed a substantial bet on my favorite team.  I was extremely happy until the fourth quarter, when the opposing team rallied from behind to win.  I then realized that my entire record of betting on sporting events was dismal.  I still believe that I can correctly predict the outcome of every game, but my experience has been the opposite.  For this reason I haven’t bet on a sporting event for years.

Your past is often your best guide to your future.  If you have an area in your life where your predictions are seldom or never accurate, seek the advice of someone you trust. I know a young woman who now asks her friends to vet a prospective partner before she gets serious because she has a track record of making choices which she later regrets.

If you gather available information and pay attention to your own patterns you will be more successful at making good predictions, and that is one of the secrets to living a better life.

Alan

The other day I was hurrying along the sidewalk on my way to get a haircut when someone almost knocked me over.  After regaining my balance I turned to see the woman who had bumped into me on the ground. Her dry cleaning was strewn around her.

“Are you okay?” I asked

“Yes, I’m so sorry,” she said.  “The plastic wrapping got caught in the door as I left the cleaners and I tripped.  I hope you aren’t hurt.”

“Not at all,” I said.  “I’m glad you’re okay.”

I helped her pick up her dry cleaning.  We smiled at each other and continued on our way.

As Chick Hearn, who broadcast 3,338 consecutive basketball games for the Los Angeles Lakers, often said, “No harm, no foul.”

It is human nature to forgive an action that did not appear to be intentional.  In this case it was obvious that the woman did not mean to bump into me.  While I was startled, and almost fell, I was not offended when I realized it was an accident.  If I believed she had bumped into me on purpose, I would have reacted very differently.

We often apply this test to the actions of others.  We ask, “Was it intentional?”  If something was annoying or hurtful, and we believe the act was deliberate then we might become angry.  If we believe the action was accidental, and it was not truly hurtful, we are quick to pardon the potential offender.

In a relationship this lack of “intent” can, of course, be used as an excuse for hurtful behavior. This is especially true when something like “I didn’t mean to . . .”  is offered as a substitute for performance or for being considerate. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” is offered instead of choosing not to say something insensitive in the first place. But when someone could choose to behave differently, and yet doesn’t, their “intent” is suspect. And when it is used this way too many times it can seriously damage any relationship.

My friend Gina is fond of the, “I lost track of time” justification whenever she is late, which is often.

My friends don’t loan me books anymore.  They are right.  I never intend to lose their books, but in the past forty years I don’t remember returning a single one.

When it comes to a relationship, let’s not abuse the “Intent.” Don’t let it become a meaningless and misleading reason for failure to perform.  When abused repeatedly, it’s not only infuriating but also can end a relationship.

There will be times when you truly do not intend for something to happen. I suggest that you save the excuses for when you really are innocent of any culpability. False justifications can keep you from building your relationship on a foundation of mutual trust. Repeated excuses, after all, can get really old.

I meant to make this a better blog, but I ran out of time.

Alan

One of the more important lessons I’ve learned in life is that we all walk unique but parallel paths. Each of us is truly one of a kind. We have different preferences, worldviews, and tastes.  I’ve even heard of some people who dislike chocolate ice cream.  Now that is really strange.

And even if you and I speak the same language, we certainly will have different vocabularies and emotional associations.  When I think of New York City I think of seeing plays on Broadway.  You might associate New York City with 9/11, or the New York Mets, or high rents.

To paraphrase Zelda Fitzgerald, we each cling to our own innards.  And I say we must realize this, and walk in the other person’s moccasins in order to have the best possible relationship with them.

It is important to my friend Gina that she knows in advance when someone will arrive at her home.  She doesn’t like to be surprised.  I always call her in advance.  Her husband, Kevin, doesn’t care who shows up or when, but he doesn’t like to be abandoned.  So Kevin needs to know when someone is leaving his home.  I make it a point to always say “goodbye” to Kevin.  Neither Gina nor Kevin is “right” or “wrong” here. There is just a huge difference in how they think about visitors to their home.

There is an amusing, and not uncommon, scene in the movie Annie Hall. Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown on opposite sides of a split screen while each one is in a separate therapy session. The two therapists ask their clients how often they make love.

“Hardly ever,” says Woody Allen. “Maybe three times a week.” “Constantly,” says Diane Keaton. “At least three times a week.” Again there is no “right” or “wrong” here, just a different reaction to the same facts.

I prefer communicating in writing, which is why I receive and answer more than two hundred e-mails on most business days. My friend Gary is verbal—he talks on his cell phone constantly and always has to recharge his cell phone in the afternoon.

A friend of mine, Hugo, married Lauren, and they moved into their present home twenty years ago. She put all of her possessions in closets and drawers within three days. Hugo still has many of his possessions in boxes — in the garage.

Finally, we all have different fears. I am terrified of high places such as cliffs, but I have never been afraid of money. Years ago the idea struck me that many people climb mountains and are not in the least afraid of high places, while others have such great fear around money that they won’t even talk about it. I then realized that all of my fears are personal to me, just as your fears are personal to you.  Few of our fears are universal.

Although you inevitably bring your own experience and understanding to every human interaction, you can’t automatically assume that I am exactly like you. Sooner or later each of us has to learn to recognize, respect, and, hopefully, enjoy our differences. Our relationships with our partners, our children, and our friends are more satisfying and successful when we do. I raised my children differently than the way my grandchildren are being raised.  I do not interfere.

Though we all live on the same planet, we can never walk completely in each other’s footsteps, even if we are family. We follow Parallel, not Identical, Paths.

Chocolate ice cream, anyone?

Alan