When I was growing up we had one telephone in our home. My brother and I were instructed always to answer it after the second ring. One afternoon the telephone rang at an inconvenient time. My mother said, “You don’t have to answer it.”
“But Mom . . . “
Maybe she was tired. Maybe she knew who was calling and didn’t want to talk to them. For whatever reason, Mom said, “Alan, you don’t always have to answer the telephone.”
I thought about this for years, and I now realize that my Mom’s permission was a turning point in my life. I have always been curious. If I don’t answer the telephone I might miss an important call.
But in any relationship it’s crucial to pay attention to your partner. Not partial attention. Full attention. And that means that sometimes, you should not answer your phone!
Today almost everyone carries a cell phone. My dad was honored recently at a concert at the University of Arizona. In the middle of a cello solo Dad’s cell phone rang. He answered it. I heard him say, loudly, into the glow in his hand, “Not now!”
When his phone rang again I suggested that he turn it off.
The question is this: Who is in charge of your life? Your parents? Your friends? Everyone who has your telephone number? Or you. Do you have to answer your phone just because someone has dialed your number?
I turn off my cell phone at meals, at movies, and after nine pm. I also turn it off when I’m in the middle of a serious conversation.
Tom, a business associate, recently shared with me the reason he is no longer married to Rhonda, his high school sweetheart.
“Alan,” he said, “she was always on the phone. One time we were on our way to a wedding, and Rhonda got a call less than a minute after we left the house. She was on her phone during the entire drive and for ten minutes in the parking lot after we arrived. She finally said “Goodbye” as we were standing in front of the church, and we ended up seating ourselves in the back row just as the ceremony started. It was embarrassing. And this happened all of the time. Whoever was on the other end of that telephone line was the center of Rhonda’s attention. I felt ignored.”
I have a clear sense of priorities. When my father, one hundred years old, calls me, I answer. When my wife calls, I almost always answer. If one of my children calls me during the business day I either take their call or arrange to call them back. I refuse to elevate business to a higher priority in life than my family or close friends.
The quality of every relationship is directly related not only to the amount of time you spend spent with each other, but, more importantly, to the quality of that time. When you are on a date I don’t think that you or your date would want your mother, or anyone else, to sit in the back seat. When we’re together I don’t want to be relegated to the back seat of your life, while someone else has grabbed your full attention.
Give yourself a break from being plugged-in. You do not have to be available twenty-four seven. Take to heart the aphorism, “Good news will wait. Bad news will find you soon enough.” And if your phone rings, you don’t have to answer it. My mother gave you permission.
Alan
