I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change is the second-longest running Off-Broadway musical in history.

No wonder.  Even the title describes a situation we’ve all experienced.  Our parents were perfect until we figured out that they, like other human beings, were human.  Every romantic love of our lives was perfect until we realized that they didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.  Our children were perfect when they were born.  That didn’t last forever.

Every one of us has a unique set of habits and preferences.

Please note I said “preferences,” not absolutes. I prefer my eggs either scrambled or over easy.  Several members of my extended family are vegans and don’t eat eggs at all.  There is no “right or “wrong” here – just different preferences.

To have a successful relationship with someone you have to understand, deeply, that when you like rap and they prefer classical they are not wrong.  They merely have a different preference that they may or may not be able or willing to change. How would you feel if your partner insisted that for the rest of your life you could only eat his or her favorite foods, and never your own (bye bye French fry)?

Of course, I always think the demands I make on my partner are easy, loving, and would give her a better life, whereas the changes she has requested from me are overbearing, outrageous, and selfish. Ah, perspective is everything.

But when you’ve had the same argument with the same partner about the same requested changes for (fill in the amount of time), eventually you have to realize that to be effective you need to use other options. Since continuing to argue hasn’t worked and will never work, consider one of these three alternatives.

1. Offer. Simply say to your partner, “Would you please be responsible for taking out the recycling?   What can I do for you in return?”  Your partner may respond with something that is fine with you, and the problem is solved.
2. Deal Point — Leave. Your partner may answer, “I won’t be responsible for the recycling under any circumstances.”  When neither of you will compromise under any circumstances then it’s a “deal point.” When you encounter a “deal point” from which no one will back down then the only effective solution is to end the relationship.
3. Give Up. If it isn’t mandatory for you that your partner take out the recycling, then just let it go.  You will have removed a point of friction between the two of you, leaving space in your relationship for everything you enjoy about each other.

I’m thinking that being effective in life is so important that it deserves a book of its own.  At least it deserves another blog or two.

Do you agree?

Alan

The most useful idea I learned in college is this:  If you have a problem you can’t solve, just put it in your subconscious and wait for an answer.

During law school I enrolled in an evening Shakespeare class taught by Professor Alan Casson. His second lecture was interrupted several times by students asking him questions.

“Please hold your questions until the end,” he said.  “I’m sure I will answer all of them during my lecture.”

I thought his statement was arrogant, and promised myself I would write down six questions to ask him at the end of class.

Alas, Professor Casson’s lecture was as good as his promise.  I had no questions.

The final exam was one long question encompassing all five Shakespeare plays we had studied.  I read the question.  I thought, “This is the best exam question I have ever read in my life.”  I read the question a second time.  My next thought was, “I have no idea how to answer this.  I don’t even know where to start.”

Fortunately, I remembered the textbook advice from my freshman Psychology class, and said to myself, “Subconscious, take over.”

Those were the days of ballpoint pens and bluebooks.  I looked down and saw my right hand moving the pen.  It was as if someone else had taken control of my hand which was doing the writing.

“That’s pretty good,” I smiled. “Did I know all that?”

It was a first for me – watching my hand write an answer to an exam question in an almost magical, stream-of-consciousness response. It must have been a great answer because I received an “A” on the exam and in the class.

For many years I have used the same technique in my business and in my writing.  When I don’t know the answer, I ask my subconscious to do the work.

I hope you enjoyed this blog.  My “subconscious” thanks you.

Alan

I recently watched the documentary Free Solo which follows Alex Honnold as he scaled the 3,000 foot face of El Capitan in Yosemite on June 3, 2017– without ropes or safety gear of any kind.  He succeeded.

Speaking literally, I have climbed only one mountain in my life. Fifty years ago, my friend John, an outdoorsman, talked me into a three day backpacking trip in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

After one full day of hiking we arrived at our base camp next to a beautiful lake.  I was still panting, recovering from our climb, when John pointed upward.

“There she is.  Army Pass.  If we start early tomorrow morning we should be up there in time for lunch.”

I looked up to where John was pointing.  I almost fainted.

“John, that’s a mountain.  Hiking to the top could take all day.”

“Oh, no.  Three hours at most.”  He could see I was not convinced.  “Tell you what, Alan, we’ll go at your pace.  There are a lot of switchbacks, and we can rest at the end of each one if you like.  You set the pace.”

“Can I rest every three steps if I need to?”  That was a trick question, and I was hoping he would say “no” so that I could wish him well in his climb the next day while I remained next to the lake protecting our gear.

“Alan, you can rest after each step if you want to.  And we can turn back at any time.  Your call.”

It was an offer I couldn’t very well refuse.

That night I slept restlessly because I was not accustomed to the lack of oxygen at close to ten thousand feet of altitude. In the morning we set off.

“One step at a time,” John encouraged me, and he was true to his word.  We both rested whenever I wanted to. A little more than two hours later, to my surprise (and, I will admit, my delight), we arrived at the summit.

“See, John,” I said, “I told you it would be easy.”

Fast forward to yesterday when it was suggested that I take a look at all of the boxes and other personal possessions I had temporarily “stored” in the garage of my house.

Ugh!  I did not want to spend a day sorting through that jumbled muddle.  I would rather ignore it forever.  Then I remembered John.

“Tell you what,” I said, “This coming week I’ll go through the boxes of books.  Just the books.  I’ll put some on the bookshelves in the house and give away the rest.”

“Thanks.  That would be great.”

Mountains come in all shapes and sizes.  They all loom large.  But every mountain, including the mountain of mess in my garage, can be climbed.

Unlike Alex Honnold, we can use safety gear or ask others for help if we need it.  And, like my friend John, we can give ourselves permission to cut the task into manageable chunks.

And that is how I climb a mountain.  Not in a single leap like Superman, or in four hours without ropes like Alex, but by taking just one step at a time.

Alan