The devil is always in the details.

In Aesop’s fable “Belling the Cat” the mice decided that to escape the sharp claws of the cat all they needed to do was place a bell around the cat’s neck to warn them of the cat’s approach.

“But who will bell the cat?” one elder mouse asked.

It is easy to say that something should be done, but quite a different matter to do it.

In a previous blog I suggested that whatever you say to your partner-in-life should be truthful, necessary, and kind.  Today I’m focusing on “kind.”

In my first year of law school I took a Contracts class where I learned that to reach a binding agreement you need three elements.  An offer (“I’ll mow the grass for five dollars”), an acceptance (“We have a deal”), and consideration (the promise to pay something of value, in this case five dollars).

A grumbling acceptance (“I’ll agree but that’s a pretty high price”) is still legally binding.  A conditional acceptance (“You have a deal if you will also put the lawn furniture back in the garage”) requires further negotiation.

We often use conditional acceptance in our lives and in our relationships. For example, “I’ll only visit your mother with you after you have cleaned up all the junk you’ve left in your car.”

That statement sounds punitive.  You are complaining about my messy car and using something I want to get me to do something about it.  Could the same idea be expressed in a kinder way?  How about:

“I’d be delighted to visit your mother with you as soon as you wash the car.”

This starts in a positive way (“I’d be delighted”) and ends with a vision (a washed car.)

Listen to yourself when you speak.  Which of those two statements are more like your own style of conditional acceptance? Can you be kinder in asking for what you want in a relationship while also giving your partner what they want?

Consistent and creative changes can generate considerable kindness in return.

So I’ll keep writing this blog, and I appreciate your reading it.

Thanks.

Alan

This morning I woke at 6:00 am, rose from bed at 6:23, showered at 6:26, then packed my suitcase and was standing on the curb in front of my house at 7:08 waiting to be picked up by a Lyft driver.  Obviously I keep track of time.

But I had intended to leave at exactly 6:45, so I was already twenty-three minutes late for my eight-day vacation on Maui. More precisely, I was rushing to catch a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Los Angeles International Airport because I have never succeeded in convincing a Lyft driver to take me all the way to Maui.  Once, when I asked, the driver made fun of me.  “That’s further than New York.  Do you have any idea what the cost of fuel would be?  I’d have to charge you a fortune.”  Ha ha.

As my current driver darted in and out of traffic, my GPS said we would arrive at 8:21, which would leave me very little time to go through security and get to the gate before my 8:45 departure.

Traffic, of course, seemed much heavier than usual.  My GPS changed the arrival time to 8:22, then 8:24, and before we even reached Interstate 405 we were scheduled to arrive as late as 8:41.  That would not give me enough time to make my flight.

I called the airline to change my reservation.  Ha ha.  After I waited on hold for twenty-one minutes the airline representative told me that for a substantial fee they could put me on the same flight tomorrow.

No thanks.

We made up some time on the freeway, but lost it in traffic at the airport.  We arrived at 8:38. I leapt out of the gray Toyota, grabbed my suitcase with carpal-tunneled hands, and “excused” myself to the front of the security line.  But of course, TSA selected my carry-on for a personal search.

I need to tell you that throughout this entire process I remained calm and relaxed.  I’ll admit that when my GPS showed our arrival time as 8:41 I had tensed up just a bit. I might even have been angry or scared, but in my family fear was not an acceptable emotion so I usually turn it into anger (which feels better anyway).  Rationalizations can be so comforting!

I was able to stay relaxed because I realized there was no effective action I could take to speed up my arrival at the airport.  I would either get seated on my flight or not, so I sat back and sort of enjoyed the ride.

I arrived at the gate at 8:46 — one minute late, and the plane was already pushing back from the gate.  If that flight crashed I would not be one of the victims. But unless I’m already on them, I hate it when planes leave on time.

For an additional fee that was more than the price of my original ticket, Hawaiian Airlines graciously waitlisted me for a flight to Honolulu leaving in hour with a waitlisted seat from there to Maui. As a back-up they confirmed my reservation on a direct flight to Maui that was leaving at 5pm.

The Honolulu wait list cleared, and I’m now at 40,000 feet.  With luck, I’ll arrive at the Avis Car Rental on Maui only a little more than four hours late.

So I was rushing to… why?  If I can’t change a situation, then why should I worry?

Perhaps you’ll agree that I got a pretty good blog out of the experience.

Alan

SHORT QUIZ:

1.  How many rationalizations can you spot in this blog?
2.  On a scale of one to ten, how useful are the rationalizations in your own life? I would give them at least an eight in mine.

If I were to take my four-year-old grandson to the Los Angeles Main Library, show him a few books, and tell him that he should learn to read, how well would he succeed without further instruction and supervised practice?

You’re right.  Not well.

In our schools we teach many core subjects, including reading, arithmetic, history, and geography.  As a society, however, we seldom teach how to get along with other people in an effective and consistent way.  Instead we assume that our children will learn relationship skills automatically at home and by simply interacting with others outside of our home.

No wonder we tend to read, however imperfectly, better than we handle relationships.  If our parents scream, we learn to scream.  If our parents lie or reward lying, we tend to lie.  If our parents hit, we learn to hit. Unfortunately, we leave the teaching of effective relationships to people who very often are the least able to teach it well. Accordingly, cycles of dysfunction and violence tend to perpetuate.

There are many parents who practice love and patience.  But some do not.  In any event, I find that with a strong desire to do better in relationships, anyone can improve.

For example, when I began my business more than fifty years ago I blamed someone else for every failure.  After all, my hindsight is perfect.   But in effect I was discouraging everyone who worked with me. They were unwilling to take any chances, and often hid their mistakes from me.  This was not a good way to manage people or run a business.

I have written about a number of tools to improve relationships in my weekly blog.  One tool that I have written about before but that I can’t emphasize enough, is this:

Does what you say to others meet three tests — Is it truthful, kind, and necessary?

I can’t overstate the life changing effect of this simple three-prong test. If everyone employed it in their dealings with others all of their relationships would immediately improve for the better.  And when your relationships improve, your life follows suit.

This idea was not drummed into me at an early age, so I have to remind myself of it – often (and now I am reminding you of it as well).  I suggest you do the same, and in an effort to pass it along, please model it to your children and grandchildren.

I thank you.  My wife thanks me.

Alan