Chapter three in my book People Tools for Business is entitled, “Advertise Your Mistakes.”

On the internationally televised Miss Universe program a little more than a year ago Steve Harvey made a mistake – a big one.  He misread the notes handed to him and named the wrong contestant as the winner.

The new “Miss Universe” was overjoyed. She was crowned, consoled the runner up, and the audience cheered.  Steve Harvey left the stage.  A minute later he returned, motioned to the audience to stop their applause, and admitted to everyone that he had made a mistake.  The runner up was actually the winner.

Oops. Huge mistake.  Millions of viewers were watching. Maybe Steve was tempted, as many of us might have been, to run out of the auditorium and disappear.  But, to his credit, he returned and ‘fessed’ up.

Steve, the consummate comedian, even took his mistake one step further.  He sent out Christmas Cards with a photo of him holding his hands up with a “V”.  His greeting was, “Happy Easter.”

Last week I made a mistake.  In my blog entitled, “Give a Reason,” I referred to a study I had read years ago. I wrote, “The study concluded that you have more success achieving your goals with people if you give them a reason for what you are doing.”

It turns out that my statement was wrong.  Fortunately, one of my readers is a respected researcher in the field and he contacted me about my error.  He wrote:

Thought I might pass along that the real message to Ellen Langer’s photocopy study to which you refer is not that giving a valid reason leads to greater compliance—but rather that using the trigger word “because” does so.  Saying “Can I use the copy machine BECAUSE I need to make some copies” (a vacuous reason provided after the trigger word) actually leads to as many people letting the requester cut ahead as when the reason is meaningful (“BECAUSE I’m in a hurry”) but having no trigger word (“Can I use the copy machine. I have five copies.”) led to only around half complying.

I’m advertising the mistake I made in last week’s blog for the following reasons.

1. I’m practicing what I preach.
2. I want to provide accurate information to you, not misinformation.
3. I’m alerting all of us not to believe everything we read.
4. I’m reminding myself and you to recognize our limitations and be careful in passing along information that we believe to be accurate without verifying.

Beyond this, it’s important for each of us to recognize who we really are – our strengths, our weaknesses, our special insights, and our blind spots.  That’s the only way we can fully live our unique lives.

And we all need to trust each other.  Admitting (or, even better, advertising) our mistakes is essential to establishing and maintaining trust.

Alan

I think of myself as an independent person and I don’t like anyone to question my actions. This is one of the reasons I began my own business fifty years ago. If I leave the office at 4:00 pm, I don’t want to explain myself or have someone ask, “Where are you going?” or “Why are you leaving early?”

But sometimes I carry my need for independence to an extreme and this can be self-defeating.  With experience, I’ve come to realize that it can often be a mistake not to explain myself.

I read a study years ago, but only recently appreciated that it applies to me.

The study concluded that you have more success achieving your goals with people if you give them a reason for what you are doing. If you want to cut in line to use the copy machine and say to others in front of you, “I need to use the copy machine,” you will succeed less than half of the time.  But, if you simply add a reason, even a reason like, “I’m in a hurry,” people will let you cut in line more than eighty percent of the time

To me, that’s strange.  “I’m in a hurry” doesn’t add anything.  Of course you’re in a hurry, it’s self-evident.  That’s why you asked in the first place.  But as someone who has gone through life only occasionally giving an explanation for my actions, I think the study is right. So, whenever I can, I now provide an explanation. I suggest you consider doing the same — it isn’t very difficult and can definitely help others to cooperate.

Think about it.  If I write, “I’m finished writing this blog” without a reason you might feel unsatisfied or deserted.  If I simply add, “I’m tired,” or “my feet hurt,” you would more likely think, “Okay.”

I’m finished writing this blog now because I’m hungry and dinner is ready.

Alan

I remember a dream from years ago.  It was not my usual nightmare of trying to outrun a tidal wave or forgetting how to use my phone in an emergency or being chased by evil men who wanted to hurt me.  This was a dream about love.

In my dream a young woman I didn’t know asked me to make love with her. It was her first time.  In my dream I was also young, though with some familiarity of the process, and I wanted her experience to be supreme, for the first time is the bell that rings in our hearts and minds for the rest of our lives.

Nothing more happened in my dream.  She shyly asked, I considered how I might respond.  Had I remained asleep, this might have been my advice.

When you make love for the first time, choose your time and your partner carefully.  This may take years, or it may take as long as shrugging off your robe.

You must choose so you can throw your whole self into the sea.  You must open your eyes to him and search for his soul.  You must open your eyes and allow her to see your soul, your longing, your enchantment, and your fear.

You must then touch in the way that seems right to you.  Your touch should be gentle and intimate but not invasive, both asking who he is and telling who you are.

You may be silent and focus on who you are, who she is, the feeling and meaning of what you are doing on all levels, physical, emotional and spiritual.  You may focus on being in the moment, or remembering the moment, for memory is our universal scrap book.

You might disturb your solitude with unrestrained screams, and hope that the neighbors or your parents are not at home or have temporarily gone deaf.  Or you may hope they are smiling at your first experience and remembering their own.

Enter fully into yourself and her and your intimacy with nothing held back, as if this is not just the first but also the last time the two of you will ever completely share yourselves while on this earth.  And it is true.  You will never be the same.  She will never be the same.  Should you marry and share the same bed for seventy-five years it will never, and should never, be the same.

Each glance, each touch, each word is for now and for the first time and the last time.  This moment, your body, your soul, your heart should be honored, full and complete in this time and at this place, and with this person you chose who will always be more than you imagined.

And, when you are spent, please laugh.  Share the laughter of your new found familiarity, of your relief that it really happened, of the knowledge in your bones that you experienced something amazing and unique  and it will never happen that same way again.

And finally, before you yield to the temptation to roll over or simply cuddle into sleep, you must open your eyes to her and openly reveal your newly naked soul.

Love,

Alan